Leonardo da Vinci

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Da Vinci's first code was considerably simpler to crack.

“His name was Leonardo da Vinci!”

~ Captain Obvious on Leonardo da Vinci

“Veni, Vidi, Vici!”

~ Mona Lisa, trying to come up with a name for her son

“Ehh, you thief!”

~ Leonardo DiCaprio on Leonardo da Vinci

Leonardo "da Man" da Vinci, April 15, 1452 – May 2, 1519) was a scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, horse fucker, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician, writer, and general know-it-all smartass. He created a secret code, called "The DaVinci Hacks". This secret code was recently discovered and mentioned in Dan Brown's book of the same name. The code is somewhat similar to English in the letters it uses, but when spelled out creates nothing but gibberish. Opponents argue that the secret code is something called "Italian", but they can go to hell.

[edit] History

As a child, Leonardo showed a gift for art and engineering.

I am the greatest. I can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Leonardo da Vinci was born to Mona Lisa, the man of the St. Ives riddle fame, born out of matrimony of that man and his second wife in 1212. Early in his childhood, he moved to Italy to get away from everyone asking the same dam riddle all the time. Keen to get away from that damned riddle, he began to focus on inanimate objects and became adept at making and drawing things that could not talk.

When he was 16 Leonardo made a trip to Vietnam and soon discovered a rock band called Cspinach. The trip was not intentional as he was unable to swim back home to Italy. During the next 2 years in Vietnam he played as a bassist, during which the band recorded 2 albums.

[edit] Leonardo in his prime

Leonardo, as inventor, was jealous all of his life of the achievements of one of his colleagues, Les Paul, the inventor of the fret2fret system, which generated more dollars than Leonardo had seen in his entire life.

Being financially in the shadow of Les Paul spoiled his interest in musical instruments, and was left unable to listen to music afterwards.

The great breakthrough that made Leonardo da Vinci world famous was as an actor when he played one of the main characters in the movie Titanic. This role turned Leonardo into the superstar who he wanted to be. Also, because he rescued the full crew of the ship when it sank, it made him a world hero.

Later on, he drew the famous Mona Lisa using MS paint, a great undertaking which has proved popular with young pornographers ever since.

Leonardo, as a young computer programmer.

[edit] Leonardo's Inventions

Leonardi Da Vinci is famous for his mostly useless inventions he drew up on late nights while he was hungover. Most of his inventions turned out to be failures, such as his flying machines, tanks, a poor predecessor to the rubber chicken and invisible underwear. One of his most infamous inventions was the flying toilet. He got the idea for a flying toilet one night when he was out flying on one of his flying machines and he had to use the bathroom. The only way to solve this, he realized, was to make a flying toilet. The launch of it was successful. He flew smoothly over the towns and fields while simultaneously enjoying a relaxing experience. He set the world record for Highest Dump, which has still not been broken. Unfortunately, he flew into a strong updraft that turned the whole thing upside down. Poop started raining down on all the townspeople below, who thought they were experiencing "Black Rain." Leonardo quickly headed for home. He realized just how big of a disaster the machine was when he noticed he forgot to install toilet paper.

[edit] Leonardo's Statements Involving Light

"Light is like an instrument that pirates use to study funeral pyre exhaust. Therefore, if one devotes his whole life to the study of light, we may one day become ushers at a large wedding of piratal booty."

- Leonardo da Vinci

[edit] Da Vinci's most famous inventions

It has been hypothesized that if the outer layer of the Last Supper were scraped away, it would reveal this

• The Da Vinci Code
• The pencil
• The eraser (to delete mistakes made with the pencil)
• The pencil sharpener
• The wastebasket (for the disposal of said pencil shavings)
• The Da Vinci Code
• The Bin Lorry (for the disposal of the contents of said wastebasket)
• The Tip (for the storage of said crap)
• The Da Vinci Code

[edit] Great Secret

By carefully examining his paintings, conspiracy theorists suspect that Leonardo was a member of the Priory of Brie, who believed that Jesus used to eat cheese. This is a major debate that continues with the Priory of Ritz, who believes that Jesus was a cracker.

[edit] Clearing his Name

In 1998, Leonardo launched an ongoing investigation into the numerous slanderous lies about him that have surfaced since his death in 1519.

This has become known as Da Vinci's Inquest (and is currently airing in syndication, in most major markets).

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