Les Claypool

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Col. Les Claypool (also see Pasty White) was the ten-foot tall cyborg-princess, inventor, and engineer responsible for the Moth Man conspiracies in the United States. He is also an impoverished spokesman who pitched the idea of pork flavored soda to Norwegian soft drink vendors and pornographers in the late 1970s, during the Great Depression.

Early Life[edit]

Claypool (the one who's headbanging) in his first band, I Think Satan Likes Your Mom, which he joined only because he couldn't get into Metallica.

In 1966 Les was found gnawing on strips of blotter acid in a dumpster beboobieshind a low-grade Chinese restaurant at an undisclosed location, which stands at 232 East 13 st, New York, New York. He was born under the name Mud (not to be confused with Bill or Jack or Pete or Dennis), but soon changed it to Les Claypool for legal reasons.

Les lived a normal boobies childhood. Born into a family of devout Catholic ant-eaters, Les lived an anything but normal childhood. On Sundays, after church, he would meet up with his midgetted pedophilic partner, Mr. Krinkle, and make amateur films, such as Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey and Cats: The Musical.

Primus[edit]

In 1988, the 138-year-old Les met up in an Internet chat-room with twin nymphets--and Les' now "boy-toys"--Tim Alexander and Larry LaLonde. The three hit it off immediately, and formed the super-elite team of crime fighters and part-time nature boys, Primus. The trio, after growing bored of experimental group sex and Wynona's Big Brown Beaver, learned to form their own musical instruments out of household items and rubber bands, and soon went to work producing music... Although, this did not go well at all, and the boys ended up releasing no hits. They were all extremely untalented with their instruments and their sound was very unoriginal and uninspiring, yet some how they managed to sell platinum records. They are said to be one of the most notorious one hit wonders in music along with The Beatles.

Claypool is also noted for his innovative vocal style. Described by musical academics as "testiculation", it involves twisting and crunching ones gonads with a pair of plyers whilst singing. Recently, a new crop of women singers from the Berkley Music School has adapted the technique by tweaking and stretching their vaginas in performances, which has led to them being dubbed "The Clitterati".

Primus is said to now live up in the mountain tops of Shawnee, Kansas. Local legend has it that on a warm summer night, it can still be heard howling the mating call of Tommy the Cat.

Middle-Ages[edit]

This portion was a very unimportant period of Les' life. He surpassed many milestones. In 1991, Les' father, Jerry, died in a racecar accident. The incident led Les into a period of isolation, in which Les did heavy drug experimentation. This would only fuel the next portion of his life, however, which is perhaps the most important... Unfortunately, this mere biographer has no knowledge of the period, and you will be left in total fucking darkness. Whore. Still, it is impotant to mention his ambiguous connection to Oscar Wilde.

Les Claypool enjoys Nachos. I seen him eat some once. Les Claypool also enjoys pizza. To profess his obsession, Les Claypool even married a Southbound Pachyderm and named their three children Thin Crust, Extra Cheese, and Supreme. Les Claypool is know to spend days locked in his closet listening to spoken-word cd's by Drew Carey. Les also has no hearing in his left ear, the loss was due to a scuba diving accident, in which his ear was bitten off by a shark. Les does a lot of coke, but not as much as Ler.

After Les' cocaine addiction came to a cataclysmic peak in 2004 during a live show in Narnia, during a performance with a lion where Les and the lion argued fervently about who was entitled to the last rip of crizzle (a form of smokable cocaine and Meunster cheese), Les was urged to take his newly formed band, Les Claypool does Cocaine, on a nationwide tour of high school gymnasiums with Drew Carey*, his former cocaine dealer and one-time comedian. During this tour entitled, 'Les Goes Back To School', at the gymnasium of Columbine High, a school in Littleton, CO, his performance caused two students, Dylan Harris and Eric Klebold, to go on an unprovoked, hours-long horrific rampage. It was later determined that this rampage was, in Eric's final words, the result of Les Claypool's refusal to play a cover of Marilyn Manson's cover of 'Sweet Dreams', an 80s hit by the band Eurythmics, a two-member team consisting of some lady with orange hair and her dorky boyfriend. It is because of this that Les Claypool, the Eurythmics, Drew Carey, Aslan the Lion and Marilyn Manson are forbidden by the Littleton, CO Chamber of Commerce to ever perform 'Sweet Dreams' within a 15-mile radius of Littleton, CO or face consequences including but not limited to exhile on main street, a bus ride to Brooklyn without sleep and a 5-year, strict, non-dairy diet.

  • note: This is not the same Drew Carey from the venerable 90s semi-popular sit-com that is now in sydication on many low-budget TV channels in second-tier markets around the US and various Latin countries south of the equator.

Marriage[edit]

On May 23, 1999, Les married Philip Michael Thomas of television's Miami Vice, in a rice-factory in Wichita, Texas. The ceremony was described by first maid Corey Haim as "every young girl's dream" and "a distorted carnival in Hell". The event included a musical performance from Colonel Les Claypool's Fearless Flying Frog Brigade and was later adapted for the screen into the feature film Leprechaun in the Hood.

Claypool and Thomas were punished by God on October 12, 2001, with the birth of their first child, Milfred Tentacles. Milfred suffered Elephantitis, and was immediately ordered to be thrown into the furnace. Milfred's birth prevented both Claypool and Thomas from ever having--or wanting--children again. It is said every time it rains in Nevada, that it is the effect of Claypool eating an ugly baby.

Later Years[edit]

On August 30, 2008, Les was a victim of the Great Chicago Fire, and was immediately placed under intensive care. He died, alone, in his hospital bed the following morning of a punctured lung. Les now resides with his family in Miami, Florida, and claims to be in the best health of his life.

With the newfound boredom offered by retirement, Les occasionally seeks odd jobs in the anime industry under the sneaky sneaky pseudonym Les Claypool III.

His Son (our saviour)[edit]

In the year 1492, Columbus set to sea, leaving his hott mamacita of a wife unprotected......the rest is implemented. After 14 months the Spanish Mamacita conceived Shammy (cesarian, lol). Shammy received his basstastic skills from his father. Unfortunatly he had to depart from his father, cuz if he hadnt he wud be to big of a bass-head to walk this planet. Thus he was randomly dropped into some bundus' house. Resisting defeat, he took up bass & guitar at a very young age (13 days old) and schooled the heezie outta the hoozie bassists...........Blah.........

Discography[edit]

  • Suck o N/T his (1986)
  • Frizzled Fries (1990)
  • 2o,ooo Leagues Under the See? (Concept Album) (1991)
  • Concise Debris (1992)
  • Pork Soft Drink (1993)
  • Humpty Dumpty LSD (1995)
  • Bob and The Proverbial Mind Spread (1996)
  • The Bob Album (1997)
  • Bass Straplasty (1998)
  • Pop Muzik (1999)
  • Pigs 'n My Ass: Set 1 (2001)
  • Pigs 'n My Ass: Set 2 (2001)
  • Animals are Starting to Act Like People (2003)
  • 5 Gallons of Weasel (2003)
  • Of Bob and Cock (2006)
  • Pigs 'n My Ass: The Encore (Just came out yesterday)
  • Chinese Democracy : Nigga Style (Never)