Desolé(e)! Cerchez-vous La Femme Sophistiquée ?
Les Miserables is a little known ‘laugh a minute’ Hugo Boss musical that ran in the East End of London for just two performances in 1821. The inspiration for this piece was not from his own, remarkably inactive imagination, but from a three-year-old child walking down the street talking about their arse. The music of the musical is both cheery and catchy; in no way is it sullen, depressing, repetitive, or "emo". It is as enjoyable as the life of the poor, starving serfs of pre-Revolution France.
The music is written by the old english artistocrat Claude Michel Schonberg and his long term writing partner and former second hand car dealer Alain Boublil. It is rumored that Alain and Claude met in a strange scientific experiment in Paris in the 1960's. The story goes that Claude-Michel was playing the piano when a quantity of absinthe was trickled into the bass section of the piano and since then Claude-Michel has had the impression that Alain does something useful.
Les Act I
1066 Les Dover – Calais
A man called ‘24601 is your husband really straight?’ a stunning muscle boy with a rock hard arse goes to prison for three weeks after stealing 4.2million Euros from the Cameron Apple Mackintosh Corporation. At sentencing, he was given the prison name Jean Val Jean Claude Van Bumme.
After a day of rogering in the prison showers, Van Bumme escapes but is soon caught and given an extra week on his prison term and endures yet more arse banditry. Finally, four long weeks later, his time is up and, apoliceman, whose name has slipped into the mists of time (though it's believed to have been something similar to Le Pervert), reminds him not be a naughty boy and thanks for the use of his arse.
Not having two cents to rub between his cheeks, Van Bumme is taken in by a priest who rogers him sensless with two candle-sticks. Again, Van Bumme runs off, is caught by the police and dragged back the priest for another bum fuck. However, the priest tells him, use those two cheeks well……and if you do we’ll all have a happy ending and you'll be able to buy your own candle-sticks.
And so it came to pass that Van Bumme takes note of the priest’s fine words, spends hours working out his bum at the gym and 24601 sessions later on the Le Parisywood casting couch a movie star is born.
1152 Les Singe l'arbre
Van Bumme uses the money he made from his movie career to open a theme park called ButtockLand. The attraction was a huge hit, but after a nasty accident with a toothbrush and a tube of KY Jelly on the "I Dream of Cream" ride, the worker, ‘Funtime’, who was thought to have caused the accident was fired and a riot ensues.
Les Policeman, whose name I forget, who has been obsessing over Van Bumme’s arse, watching every lingering nude scene on his DVD Blu-rayplayer, intervenes and sorts out the barney.(American readers will have to look up the expression 'barney' in a Cockney Rhyming Slang dictionary to understand the meaning). Recognizing Van Bumme, he chases college term papers him down the street asking for another chance to have a go at that backside.
Funtime, now out of work, doesn’t take it well. You know what women are like so off she goes high on Prozac using her Les Amex card to purchase allsorts of exciting stuff from Les Primẽrk, a well known market stall of the era. After spending rather a few to many €€€, Funtime was forced to join the cast of Les Brother Large to pay off her debts. Leaving her dog Rosette with the well known celebrities Jordan Price and Peter Andrex, she sent what she could for dog food and le vet bills while starring in the programme. Sadly her career dies as a result of being on the show and Van Bumme, realising that it was actually someone else who had caused the accident and that he caused her financial rampage promised to look after her beloved dog Rosette.
The show becomes incredibly depressing by this point, so the shows composers Android Sir Lord Lloyd Webber and Stephen ‘every shows a smash hit’ Sondheim (with additional lyrics and music by Claude Bubble and Squeak) throw in a completely irrelevant song called "Masturbating in the House" with Jordan Price and Peter Andrex providing the entertainment.
After the song wakes the audience up with scenes of les explicit sex, Van Bumme arrives at the Price/Andrex house, gives her Jordan one up the arse in return for the dog and although the couple's other pup Epoletic barked herself senseless to be saved, the bastard Van Bumme leaves her behind.
Van Bumme also turns up, looking a bit older with his old dog Rosette. For some reason, the unknown Policeman doesn’t recognize him and doesn’t check out his arse. Van Bumme though, bends over to pick up Rosette’s poop, the Policeman, whose name I forget, instantly recognizes his arse and begins chasing him down the street wailing on about it and how lovely the stars look tonight.
Epolitic having sniffed Rosette’s arse immediately realizes who it is and starts yapping on about it to any dog who’ll listen, but sadly none do.
Maryhalfarse, a mongrel cross between a Great Dane and a Yorkshire terrier and the love of Epolitic’s life, smells Rosette’s bum from a mile off and is instantly smitten. Wailing at the garden gate, he pisses everywhere to make sure Rosette is aware of his existence and there’s a quick hump on Le Rue De La Bonk coming soon.
Les Paris mood turns nasty though when Les Orange Broadband announce broadband charges are to go and porn is to be banned. They are outraged. 'Tut Tut' they say and decided they needed to sing lots of songs about it. ‘One Meg More’, ‘In My Hard Drive’, 'Bring Homo Home' and ‘The Virus Attack’ were just four of the now classic songs put together on their ‘Le iGarage’ software on their ‘Le Macs’in just three minutes flat!
After putting up a firewall, there was a lot of computer crashing and rebooting and a lot of people could no longer download porn. Well as you can imagine, Paris was outraged. ‘Hasta La Windows Vista!’ is the cry!.
Meanwhile, back at the firewall, the broadband companies refusing to budge, war commences and the act one finale is one the way with the landmark song ‘One Gay More’, the students anthem demanding unlimited access to porn of a homosexual nature led by Van Bumme and several other people who are completely unimportant.
End of Act I
Les Act II
We hear all the same songs again but with different words, so Les Orange Broadband surrender providing they never have to hear 'One Gay More' again. The students go home happy with their free broadband, Van Bumme lets the Policeman whose name I forget have ‘one shag more’ and goes off happy. Sadly Rosette and Maryhalfarse die a harsh and nasty death of distemper.
Everyone else lives happily ever after.