Letter To The Editor

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The reader.

Dear Editor of Uncyclopedia, (Huh, I guess that's you eh?)

It has come to my attention recently, that you are a useless cunt, and should have your testicles removed by a rampaging warthog. The reason, I believe, for this is that slowly over time the quality of your publication has fallen to a drastically low level, and action must be taken quickly by yourself. Instead of spewing out useless shite, I demand you return to creating such quality articles as Kitten Huffing and AAAAAAA!, before your current readership turns to another, less crapfilled source of infotainment.
You have 6 days to comply with this request, as after that, I'm setting the Grues on you.
Yours sincerely, one pissed off reader

Dear Interested Reader, (In Soviet Russia I guess it's YOU!! eh?)

On behalf of the Wikipaedia Publications Consortium, we thank you for your letter expressing your concern. As you may realize our staff is continuously overwhelmed by participating contributions which in some form or other tend to criticize our policy regarding what is allowable and what is ... well .. on the edge. I would like to point out to you that I personally feel that we are not doing badly, on the whole. If I may remind you of some facts: we were voted #45 in the TRIANNUAL SUPAMEME MEME COUNTER LIST AWARD PLACE 9 years in a row. This may seem strange for a blog that came into existence only two years ago, but I am sure the technical argumentation our Chief Lead Developer laid out is intrinsically valid. But if you so desire, I am willing to make her available to you personally in order to clear things up.
On a more personal note, I am sorry to say that your offer to remove some of my testicles will meet with physical limitations, as I am no longer in possession of said commodities. I guess someone beat you to it, ey? Ah, and as for the Russian Reversal gimmick: as of right now, I am reverting the reversal. Warned you have been (In Soviet Russia, you have been warned).
Yours sincerely, Editor of Uncyclopedia

Dear Editor of Uncyclopedia,

I have recently noticed a startling trend in your publications. For example, take last week's featured article, "The Life and Times of Bartolomeus Grue." WHAT. A. PIECE. OF. SHIT. Seriously, who had to hump you to get this fucking piece of crap up on the front page? If I were your superior, I would grab your skull, and proceed to fucking your cerebral cortex. Seriously, how'd you like to feel twenty cc's of warm jizz seeping into your brain stem? Cause that's exactly how I feel every time I read garbage like this. Like I'm being raped by a very surly man with large hands. Not a good feeling, dickwad. So, next time you're at your "office", between masturbating to Asian porn and licking your intern's balls, why not get off your fucking ass and get something with some goddamn pizazz up on the front page. I'm tired of this shit. I am physically tired. I cannot even make love to my 400-pound Uzbekistani wife because of you. Now when little Mahmoud comes to his daddy asking me to play the football with him, I don't even have the goddamned strength to tell him to fuck off and get me a beer.
The Uncyclopedia editor.
How do you think that makes me feel? Why don't you get your dick out of your mouth long enough to see the copious amounts of shit plastered to your website? It sickens me. It sickens me like a virus, and if I don't see some changes, I might just have to come over there and rip your fucking kidneys out. Now, I don't want to do that, but I might just have to.
Yours sincerely, one fucked up son-of-a-bitch
P.S. Don't think you can run away from me. I got Google Maps, bitch.

Dear one fucked up son-of-a-bitch

You should probably notice that you are not, in fact, my supervisor. In fact, you are my inferior, and should get down on your knees and shine my boots. I think there's a shit stain on the right heel, so if you wouldn't mind licking it off... but I digress. The issue at hand here is that you seem to think you can take me in a fight. Put it this way. I went 4 rounds with Muhammed Ali. You got the shit knocked out of you by a daffodil. During your travels throughout Google Maps, I don't suppose you happened to find a clue, did you? Because it sure as fuck doesn't look like it.
Yours sincerely, God The Editor
P.S. It's not Asian porn I masturbate to, it's midget porn.

Dear God The Editor

After careful review of your clearly well thought out retort, I have come to a conclusion which I believe is both fair and just. You sir, are a twat with intelligence comparable to that of bacon. Perhaps you should put those 6 braincells you used to write that witty and civil response of yours towards creating articles that aren't shit.
Needless to say, I am very disappointed in the size of your penis and would suggest that you cram a rusty dildo up your ass.
Yours sincerely, one still pissed off reader

Watt A. Bastard (sysop)

Dear Mr Reader,

It is clear from your manner of address, not to mention your use of obscene imagery and insinuations as to my sexual orientation, that you are an ass-fucking cunt with weeping genital sores who should be strung up by his gay pus-filled toenails and left to rot forevermore. Furthermore, I fucked your wife and sister yesterday and they were gagging for my sweet semen.
Your blatant hypocrisy has caused me to determine that you are no longer worth communicating with, and I am therefore terminating our communications.
Yours sincerely,
Watt A. Bastard (sysop)

Dear Watt A. Bastard (sysop)

In light of these recent arisements, I would suggest that you take a good long look at that piece of shit you administrate and give me 3 good reasons why it doesn't suck. I bet you can't even give me one. The state of affairs here at Uncyclopedia frankly makes me want to vomit. I have seen public bathrooms with less shit all over the place. Perhaps we could work out a compromise.
Something along the lines of my cock, and your mouth.
Yours sincerely, O.P.O. Reader

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs O.P.O. Reader,

Thank you for your ideas/support/death threats. Unfortunately, we are currently experiencing technical problems and will be unable to reply to your message for approximately 15 years. In the meantime, please consider purchasing some of our quality Uncyclopedia Merchandise, or signing up for Uncyclopedia+Plus!, granting you a mighty FIVE edits per day and THREE DAYS wait before automatic deletion of your articles.
Yours faithfully,
E. Mailbot

Dear E. Mailbot

I would like to recommend that you go die in a fire for requesting I purchase some of your tacky merchandise. Few, if any, automated bots have managed to make me swear at a computer monitor and attempt to chew off my own toenails, however you have surpassed that line. I shall now proceed to question your sexual preference and insert a double entendre with reference to your mother.
I hope you have a nice day choke on a penis and die.
Yours since--