Lettuce

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“Uh-oh. This looks like just the tip of the iceberg...”

~ <insert name here>'s doctor on the piece of lettuce in <insert name here>'s ear

“Lettuce is great for hiding gross food”

~ your kids on why they took any lettuce at all
A head of lettuce that has passed it's "best-before" date.

Lettuce is a type of vegetable found commonly in salads, Subway subs, and at the edge of your childrens' plates. It was discovered by Adam and Eve, and was originally used for clothing. On laundry day, however, Eve discovered that these leaves tasted as good as they looked. Lettuce as outerwear was quickly abandoned and replaced by the more contemporary fig leaf, and lettuce was re-introduced into society as a food. Bible Scientists have still not figured out exactly how or why Eve was tasting the leaves in the first place.

History[edit]

Carisa Ruth Wright Loves her lettuce, she would eat lettuce everyday if she could, she sits there and drools about lettuce "mmm Lettuce my favourite" she says everyday at lunchtime. You would marry lettuce if she could, Even have lettuces' babies if she could!!!!!!! She is obsessed with lettuce!! LETTUCE LETTUCE I LOVE L:ETTUCE is how her song goes!!

Pre-Biblical Times[edit]

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There is no such thing as Pre-Biblical Times. Time, along with lettuce, began exactly as recorded in the Bible. End of story.

Biblical Times[edit]

After lettuce's very short-lived run as clothing, it became a dietary staple for humanity, as it was very abundant in the Garden of Eden. It was likely discovered by either Adam or Eve, not Satan as your children might tell you. Speculation that Lettuce was involved in the Satan's Temptation scandal as an accomplice with Apple has been repeatedly disproven, due to the fact that there is no such thing as an "Adam's Lettuce".

Lettuce was less influential throughout the rest of the Old Testament, right up until the crucifixion of Jesus. After Jesus was crucified, he returned a few days later as Zombie Jesus, when he offered Christians lettuce in return for their faith. Jesus was going to originally use eggs, but it seemed that the Easter Bunny had already started a tradition of his own involving eggs, so he chose lettuce instead.

Lettuce in The Roman Empire[edit]

Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus was a firm believer in the healthy properties of lettuce, that he had a giant statue constructed of wood (which was surprisingly uncommon at the time), depicting looseleaf lettuce. Lettuce was distributed daily to all the townspeople scattered throughout the Roman Empire. Eventually, Lettuce began piling up everywhere, and became more of a nuisance than a food, really.

Lettuce was quick to sense this change in the townspeople's dwindling admiration of the vegetable, and developed a plan along with Marc Antony and Carrot to try and overthrow the Emperor's rule, and restore freedom to Alderaan itself as superior ruler of the Empire. Little is known of these plans, but historians suggest that the invention of salad dressing caused significant leaps in the consumption of lettuce, thereby reducing Lettuce's threat to the Senate, while simultaneously increasing tastiness.

Nutrition[edit]

Some lettuces (especially iceberg) have been specifically bred to remove the bitterness from their leaves, but this has not appeased any children, who have asked for lettuce bred to "taste like chocolate". These specially-bred lettuces (thus far) have a high water content with very little nutrient value, unlike chocolate. The more bitter lettuces and the ones with pigmented leaves contain antioxidants to help keep your pimply face clean, unlike chocolate. Basically lettuce is nutritionally the opposite of chocolate in any form. But it still beats celery!!

Basic Types of Lettuce[edit]

Iceberg Lettuce[edit]

Iceberg lettuce, as its name suggests, is grown on icebergs by Santa Claus and his Elves since sometime in the early 1700's. The industry has been very volatile, with lettuce prices being directly affected by coal, oil, and turnip prices, as well as the steadily increasing threat of global warming. In 1884, science looked like it may finally hold the key to Santa's Elves' problem, with the development of space-age plastics. The Elves saw the benefits of making the change from naturally occurring icebergs to synthetic, polystyrene icebergs; both yields and working conditions would dramatically improve, as well as the long-term stability of "not living on ice". However, these new materials were both expensive and largely untested in the lettuce-growing industry, and developments were temporarily put on hold.

The lack of iceberg lettuce's worldwide noteriety, combined with high polystyrene iceberg prices caused the Elves to launch a massive advertising campaign to attempt to boost prices and sales of their lettuce. After Santa's deal with the Germans in the 1890's he was awarded a handsome sum of money, which was put directly towards the purchase of the world's first synthetic iceberg. Growing yields were above and beyond anything the Elves had ever expected, and the elves were quick to realize the real economic impact that polystyrene could have on the grown-food industry. A "tour" of sorts was planned, to broadcast the idea to the world. After much planning and training of an "elite squad" of lettuce-farming Christmas Elves, the polystyrene iceberg was finally launched into the Arctic Ocean from the North Pole on April 26th, 1906.

The Elven iceberg sailed South, initially,[citation needed] but was pushed off course by El Nino currents. The Elves never fully regained any useful navigation after this; even if they did, it was an iceberg, so they had no way to steer. Living on lettuce, saltwater and dreams, the Elves floated South through the Atlantic Ocean, possibly reaching as far South as the Equator, where the iceberg was thought to wander around aimlessly for a while before returning North.

Almost six years after they departed land, the Elves had just about given up when a miracle occurred. A ship. In the distance, smoke on the horizon could be seen, and was rapidly approaching. The elves, however could not signal the other ship, or even approach it, due to the unfortunate oversight of having no propulsion system. Resourceful as ever, though, the elves tossed heads of lettuce overboard, to increase their iceberg's buoyancy, followed by themselves, so they could actually swim and push the iceberg through the ocean. Talk about dedicated, eh?

At approximately 11:40pm on April 14th, 1912, the elves' iceberg finally made contact with the other ship, and disintegrated completely, causing both vessels to sink. The polystyrene dissolved almost instantly upon contact with the other ship's diesel supply, leaving only steel, humans, elves and lettuce.

Reports from survivors of the other ship describe the incident to be the result of an iceberg, but since there was no ice found anywhere near the shipwreck, the lettuce took full blame.

Butterhead[edit]

Butterhead, also called Boston Lettuce for no apparent reason, forms loose heads and has a buttery texture. Imagine that. Butterhead cultivars are most popular in Europe, where Boston still holds a place on the Top 40 charts. It is the personal favourite strain of lettuce of NBA player Bostjan Nachbar.

It should not be confused with Butterface, a disease affecting some women.

中国莴苣[edit]

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中国莴苣类型长期一般有, 剑塑造了, 非头形成叶子, 以一种苦涩和健壮味道不同的西部类型, 适当至于使用在搅动油煎的盘和炖煮的食物里。中国莴苣培育品种被划分入"词根使用" 型, 并且"叶子使用" 型譬如 油麦菜生菜

Looseleaf[edit]

Looseleaf lettuce is characterized by it's tender, delicate, and mildly flavoured leaves; light blue lines running horizontally across the page, and three holes punched through one side of it. It also contains the highest fiber content per volume of any type of lettuce. It is usually found in notebooks and binders, and carries a distinct "papery" taste. It also goes well with paste.

Romaine[edit]

Romaine, is a head-forming type of lettuce, with elongated leaves. No one is sure where it originated, it would just show up and leave randomly. It's name was probably first used in France, after overhearing enemy British soldiers talk about the "roaming" lettuce. Since French people seem to talk funny, it sounded something like "Romaine".


Why do they call it a head of lettuce anyway?

Lettuce Online[edit]