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This article is about the dictionary definition of a liberal. Here’s an article about present day American liberals.
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Liberals.
All people who uphold the liberal ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (at least for people who aren't billionaires) are in line with Satan.

Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that bitching about stuff nobody even cares about is the primary guiding force of life. Liberals feel they must force their beliefs on others for the good of humanity.

The Birth of Liberalism[edit]

There Was None, they were aborted.... AND THEY LIKED IT!!

A non-violent solution to an aggressor? How evil can you get?

Liberalism began in 1791 when a porn actor, Thomas In The Arse, started the The Daily Mail. The Daily Mail encourages hostility to anyone who isn't a white middle class wanna be snob living in a detached house in the countryside. This was the typical liberal stance for many years. He laid out the liberal ideals in his groundbreaking treatise The Rights of White Man. He was dyslexic so his grammar was fairly poor.

Paine and other English liberals at the time were also strong advocates of complaining and whining about how ruthless the world is and complaining about the plight of humans, animals, plants, protozoa, prokaryotes, virus', nucleic acids, water molecules, protons, quarks, gluons, resonating strings and every living and non-living piece of matter that has ever existed and ever will exist. Sometimes they use this compassion to gain votes or show off; and sometimes they get a life too.

Liberals Believe...[edit]

Abortion: Liberals believe that if you can't vote, your technically not alive unless you're a minority. That is why they feel like they're free to kill babies as long as they are white. White people are evil. They are just stuffy and boring. God forbid another black baby be killed from anything other than AIDS. Some go as far as support post-natal abortions and partial-birth abortions. After all, they don't want any of them growing up to become Conservatives.

Homosexuals: Liberals are gay so it makes perfect sense that they would fight for fag rights. It's only a short amount of time before Al Gore comes out of the closet. Basically, they like penis. They also support pornography, especially lesbian and bisexual pornography.

Global warming - They basically believe that we all have been an mistake and we have been brainwashed about the idea that the Earth should be used more than just sitting around and eating tree bark. They have this idea that the Earth is a temple and it needs to be taken care of, and we undereducated humans are not protecting the creatures that inherit the Earth by making it a little warm. These penguins can't swim and liberals love penguins. Linux too. And Santa Claus needs a home. He is too fat and the Earth was probably warmed by Santa farting and reindeer fart.

Creation - We believe that we just came from nothing, which makes no sense. We believe we are here for just the purpose of eating, fucking, and sleeping, and whatever, and fucking some more, and not do anything that is more than fucking and eating. Oh we are animals. Primates. We voted for one of them. Curious George.

Terrorism: "If we kill off all the terrorist, how will we be able to read them their rights?" - Michael Moore on why he does LSD. Liberals feel that terrorists deserve equal rights as anyone else and that they should not be tortured even if doing so would save thousands of lives or more. That the lives of the victims of terrorists are not worth as much as the terrorist's rights to not be tortured. That when the terrorists who did 9/11 attacked, they attacked the World Trade Center full of evil Conservatives doing global business, and the Pentagon which was a fascist military building. No liberals got killed or hurt in the attacks, just conservatives. Therefore; terrorists only target conservatives, and liberals agree to side with the terrorists.

Weed: They believe that weed is good stuff man, and it will solve every problem in the world. They think it is as miracle drug that is a solution of all their problem and think it should be used to cure ADHD or something like that, which will make it worse. They think we have the right to grow anything, including pot.

Morality: They believe that is no God, which is Big Brother, and Big Sista to them, and my Third Cousin, so they think 1950s moral values are too "square". They believe that other cultures can walk around with their tits hanging out, why should we.

Liberals Around the World Today[edit]

The United States[edit]

An American liberal is a person who hates America, their parents, and everything that is pure and holy. Since according to the polls (no, not people from Poland, I mean surveys) roughly 50% of Americans are liberal leaning, it seems that half of the residents of the USA hate their own country. Whether or not this means they hate the layers of rock that make up the landmass of the United States, or if they hate the citizens of the United States (including themselves and all their friends and allies) is unknown.

Diagram A: Liberal Brain
What a true Neo-Nazi in the sixth column sleeper cells of the Senate and Congress look like for real as they pretend to be a Liberal Democrat

After FDR got elected into office, American Liberalism was highly influenced by social programs and introduced welfare and social security and made sure that everyone had a job, regardless of their incompetence. They helped form the Unions and invented the weekend and sick days. Before that conservatives forced people to work when sick, and even work on the weekends, and if you got too sick to work you ended up homeless and poor. While conservatives like to give tax cuts, liberals like to give out free money to the poor and needy while raising taxes on the rich who can afford to pay a few more percentage points annually and still be billionaires. As a result a lot of American Liberals call themselves Social Conservatives.

The Statue of Liberty has a name which suggests that she upholds the liberal principle of surrendering. She’s obviously French, and the message at her base promises letting every darkie come into the country unannounced. When she came to New York, United States loved France and hated the UK - they've "flip-flopped" since those days. According to the Grandfather of All Knowledge, liberals can't ever be trusted. Liberals claim that they can be trusted, because after all they have bleeding hearts, and anyone who isn't a liberal is against liberty and must be a dick instead or maybe a tyrant.

Liberals are stupid for putting up the Statue of Liberty up. It must be destroyed.

Caring for the poor is overrated. The poor are a bunch of dumb, ignorant fucks who have no idea what they're talking about. Liberals hate America for supporting them. Liberals oppose giving tax breaks to the wealthy because they talk about the poor having to foot the bill and the poor getting poorer and blah blah blah. The poor are poor because they are lazy, uneducated, dumb, and have more children than they can financially support. The rich earned their money by being smarter than the poor and working hard getting a good Ivy league education, and coming up with new ways to make employees do all of the work while they earn stock dividends from the profits. The poor are just not that good with business and cannot stick to a simple budget. The liberals do way too much research and put way too much thought into this shit. They don't just drink the Kool Aid. What a bunch of dumbasses.

Psychiatric health care professionals note that the use of the word 'liberal' as a noun classifier (e.g., 'liberal media' and 'liberal Democrats'), as well as its pronunciation as a two syllable word, 'librul', both closely correspond to severe mental retardation. Some Psychiatrists in the APA label Liberalism as a mental illness at the advice of Michael Savage, but most Liberals just claim that is the way their mind is wired, opposite of a Conservative and it is the Conservatives who are mentally ill not Liberals. In the USA Liberals call Conservatives and other right-wingers as Neocons, even the Libertarians. This is known as Liberal Disease, in which case all Non-Liberals are considered Neocons, even moderates, independents, and other third parties such as the Green Party and the Reform Party. Yet for some strange reason they consider communists as liberals, because liberalism isn't that different from communism anyway.

The United Kingdom[edit]

There is no official Liberal party in Britain today. The original Liberal Party combined with the Nazi Dictator Party in 1988 (Please see the section below on Europe for the reason why) and formed the Liberal Democrats. The former 'leader-hosen' of the Liberal Democrat party, Charles Kennedy was an alcoholic so he was sacked and replaced by another Scot older enough to be everyone's grandpa , 55 year old Menzies 'Ming the Merciless Campbell”. However he didn't last long and it was more like Ming the Mercy Killing when he fell on his zimmer frame and was replaced by Nick Who-He ? Cloggy-Clegg.

The modern English liberal movement is run by the noted intellectual and expert zoo keeper Borris "the blade" Johnson of the UK Liberal party, also known as the UK Conservative party (UK politicians get a bit mixed up about their parties political leanings - look at the "new" labour party). In fact when it comes to US politics, most UK Citizens seem to think that Liberals and Conservatives in the USA, are the same thing and say "I can't believe it's not Liberalism!" as US Liberals and US Conservatives seem to be the exact same sort of people to them. Bleeding Yanks, always tossing off in Congress and wanking off with interns, it is a wonder they get any bills passed. Republicans and Democrats alike, are the same sort of people, even if they do call each other a liberal or conservative. Although when they do go to war, for some strange reason, the UK always seems to back them up anyway even if the UN is against it.


Hitler was one of the first European Liberals, executing anyone who did not believe in equality, somehow this turned out to be Jewish people, homosexuals, and gypsies, go figure.

A lot of European liberals first got their start out as Nazis during World War II. Nazi is actually German for National Socialism, and was a movement to bring liberty to Europe and united it by taking it over and killing and invading anyone who disagreed with them. IBM played a good role for Nazi Germany by developing the computer technology for them to use in tanks, airplanes, rockets, u-boats, and concentration camps (those tattoos were IBM barcodes). Hitler wanted to help the world, but somehow the OS/2 driven machines twisted his orders for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness into death and destruction. Should have used Macintosh Computers instead Adolph, that was a mistake. World War II happened due to a miscommunication between Adolph Hitler and Winston Churchill. Hitler was using V2 rockets to send messages to Churchill and launched them at the UK in hopes that Churchill would find the letters he wrote inside. Messages like "I like you Winston, let us meet in Poland and have a few beers and exchange ideas to spread equality and liberty throughout Europe." which Hitler's men accidentally sent explosive charges as the deadweight in the rockets to deliver the messages. The meeting was to take place in Poland, but Poland didn't want equality and liberty and tried to keep Hitler out, so he invaded Poland to go there and wait for Churchill, and then he thought maybe Churchill wanted to meet him in France instead, but Western Europe would not let Hitler travel there, so he had to keep invading countries to get to France, and then France surrendered. By that time Churchill misunderstood what Hitler was up to and called in some of his allies, and Hitler had to call in some of his allies to meet Churchill's allies and one thing lead to another, and then Japan accidentally crashed a few planes into Pearl Harbor when their pilots got drunk on Saki near Hawaii, and well, it was one big mess. Hitler felt so bad about it, that he shot himself in the head and committed suicide. But before he died, he had liberated most of Europe from conservative tyrants like himself by committing suicide. After Hitler killed himself he became the first European liberal and brought peace to Europe, and this lead to one big left-wing liberal movement in Europe and eventually they founded the EU as a result. Ironically most of the socialist programs that Hitler wanted to implement in Europe got implemented anyway.


French liberals are strong and confident; especially when dealing with Germans. Since they are liberal they hate money, and lost a great deal of money in 1940 due to careless defensive strategies. To their credit, they sold lot of cheese to renew their economy. Russia, the United States and the United Kingdom helped them out in 1945 and they were very grateful then, and to this day, and always cooperate with those countries – as liberals always do. Today France is run by French Liberals who surrender and throw their hands up in the air every time a car backfires. The French do not understand why they are hated so much, as they are lovers and not fighters. They have some of the best socialist programs in the world, so they do not understand when their Muslim population threw riots [1] and rejected their socialist unemployment program and an Unemployment rate of 10.1 percent made them riot. The French are trying to save the planet from global warming and other things. The French Liberals don't understand why the poor Muslims didn't like living and working for low wages and being denied jobs because they weren't qualified. As a Liberal it is a good thing to be poor, because of all of the socialist programs to help out the poor. Those Neocons over in the USA, must have put them up to it! That must be the best answer!

Symptoms of Liberalism[edit]

  • Thinks we should all have the right to freedom of speech, unless it offends them.
  • Tree hugging
  • Vegan or avoiding GMOs.
  • Has a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker
  • Thinks free college will help for the economy (because it's all good when a college education becomes so commonplace that it is no longer a special qualification for the workplace)
  • Believes the rich should be stripped of their fair earnings to be given to welfare bums.
  • Believing in conspiracy theories like global warming and peak oil. But ignore other compiracy theories such as Obamas is a Muslim or the moon landing never existed.
  • Being effeminate as a male, and butch as a female.
  • Thinks all religions are great and should be expressed, except Evangelicalism and Catholicism.
  • Thinks Conservapedia, Glenn Beck, and Fox News are full of liars and bigots. So they use Wikipedia and MSNBC instead.
  • Thinks Evolution is true, and not made up by Charles Darwin because he hated Christians and Creationism.
  • Thinks that Abortion is not Murder but instead is Birth Control.
  • Socialism (the Communists are liberals you know).
  • Developing Free Radicals - very bad for health.
  • Kitten huffing.
  • 30 year old guy who drink beer and lives in his parent's basement
  • Enjoyment of campy, American 1950's humor.
  • Pretending to be British
  • Have a love for Sweden because of their welfare.
  • Having more then 20 gigs of porn on your hard drive. (10 gigs if you're into Beast or BDSM)
  • Calling people "ignorant" or "racist" with great frequency.
  • Pretending to be Canadian (since they're even more liberal than the fags in England).
  • Liberals hate liberty. Socialists hate socialism. Capitalists hate capitalism. Bender the robot loves logical paradoxes and set theory. Nihilists don't care one way or the other. Anarchists support governments. Americans love the Russians. The Cold War never existed.
  • Like to think they are friends of blacks, who laugh at them incessantly.
  • Eternal feelings of disappointment on the morning of the "first Wednesday after the first Monday in November every two years" (excluding the years 1992, 1996 and 2006 of course)
  • Telling the lies under oath. (See Bill Clinton, Barack Obama. Republicans, like George Bush don't have to answer questions while under oath.)
  • Using a Macintosh.
  • Driving a Prius.
  • Threatening to move to Canada in election years.
  • Owning an iPod and not listening to anything that can be found on the top 40 charts or at shopping malls, even Javanese chants are cool, multicultural, and is downloaded off of Limewire because all information should be free, including music that rich capitalists produced and trade secrets.
  • Watching PBS or listening to NPR, and then posting about it on their blogs.
  • Writing biased left-wing propaganda on Wikipedia, everyone knows that the conservatives write biased right-wing propaganda on Conservapedia and avoid Wikipedia, so why try to start conflict?
  • Protesting something, anything, only Liberals protest, because Conservatives are too busy tracking how much money they make with stocks in [[oil], or technology, that the Liberals keep consuming anyway. Liberals are so poor because they spend most of their money on gas to drive to places to protest, and for materials they use to protest with. Unless you are a Tea Bagger.
  • Hating Religion, because it competes with Liberalism as a form of brainwashing.
  • Carrying a flash memory drive with a capacity of at least 1 GB at all times. Most likely for porn.
  • Try to legalize gay marriage to win the votes of homosexuals and tick off the conservatives. (Up until that point all homosexuals voted for conservatives you see, reference: Log Cabin Republicans (aka Homosexual Conservatives) [2])
  • Support terrorists and call them freedom fighters, and also dedicate Space Shuttle Columbia journeys to their fight against the imperial invaders (1982, Ronald Reagan, Afghan Mujahideen “freedom fighters” [3] fighting against the communist invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980s), while at the same time calling the US and UK government the real terrorists. Also claim that most terrorist acts are false flag operations lead by governments to trick their people into war with middle-eastern nations over oil rights.
  • Stereotype all conservatives as racist, wealthy, evil, bald white men or rednecks who are members of the KKK or dumb blondes....Faith Hill or Hilary Duff.
  • Believe they're always correct, yet somehow still find the will to argue all the time.
  • If they live in America, hate the American south. Even though its heritage (and likely the liberal's ancestors) worked to build the country they live in, only to have it taken away by people fresh off the boat. Specifically, the Irish and Germans.
  • Have an hatred for Christians and Jews, but supports Muslims and atheists. Believes that a Mosque on Ground Zero is a choice.
  • Believes Israel conspiracy theories is a bunch of BS and the War on Terror was a Holy War.

What you need[edit]

Here are some things you need for your liberal pride.

Wear sweaters and neckscarves
Thick rimmed glasses
A Mac to blog about the NPR and PBS that is on the iPod video
Limewire or BitTorrent to watch as much porn and jack off, because it is normal. It is your right to jack music and porn.
At least a master in some college in Wisconsin
A cheap ass car that is hybrid and drives like shit
Live in some apartment with digital Tv preset to PBS
Local expensive lattes. No McCafe bullshit.
Bernie Sanders pins or Hillary Clinton "Woman Card".
Welfare card and food stamps (fast food job or WalMart job optional)

Freedom is Slavery Anyway[edit]

Of course conservatives supposedly don't believe people have the right to freedom the same way liberals do. It is some times confusing why US conservatives mock their political opponents by telling them they support freedom. Though there are differences between freedom and freedom. No matter who you elect in office, though, chances are you are going to get screwed one way or the other. After all, the Liberal Congress votes up bills like the US Patriot Act for the Conservative George W. Bush, and then act all surprised that the Patriot Act allows warrantless wiretapping, waterboarding torture, the suspension of habeas corpus, and amends the US Constitution making it practically null and void. If only they voted against the Patriot Act and the Bill to go to war with Iraq. Wait, why did they vote for those things anyway instead of voting them down or filibustering them? What was their excuse again? Oh yeah George W. Bush who is also retarded and a moron, tricked them into voting for those bills? How you may ask does a retarded moron like George W. Bush trick anyone into voting for such obvious bills that take away rights and freedoms and give a blank check to invade a country that doesn't have weapons of mass destruction? Very easy, because those Liberals in Congress are even dumber than George W. Bush is anyway. Obviously they don't know how to read, or else they would have read those bills more carefully before voting on them. Just who elected stupid people to the White House and Congress? The average US Citizen that is so stupid they don't know how to use a voting machine properly and vote for the wrong politician. I swear it happened one time in Florida when a bunch of Senior Citizens voted on the wrong line and had such problems as "hanging chads" that this is not even made up. In Texas and other red states the rednecks (who have a majority of the population in the red states) voted for Bush because they thought they were voting for their favorite beer and beer maker. They thought Gore was Coors, and that Kerry was Miller Lite, and that a vote for Bush was for Anheuser Busch, the makers of Budweiser brand of beers that they drink a lot of before voting, and went in very drunk and then voted anyway, because the natural state of rednecks is being drunk. Besides one of the colors of Budweiser is red anyway.

Uncover this message about the glories of socialism[edit]

"Rrrr... Rrrr three... bik!" Какие эти знаки? Они - не Англииские! Не Европейские! Ну, откуда они? C Марса? Фактически - это секретный код, созданный Советской Наукой 200 лет назад. Первый символ этого "языка" - "Я". Всегда сбивает с толку всех Американцев и большинство Европейцев, потому что похож на их знак "R". Думают... "Яяяяяя... Я - ussia!" А ещё уверены, даже сейчас, что этот язык написан наоборот. Никто в Америке может считать этот код. И это главная причина успехов Советских Разведчиков, которие крадут Западные Секреты каждый день. И никогда не понимают, когда шпионы назвают их "сукин сын" или "лапоть". Потому что существует богохульство в этом секретном коде, Россия часто использует народный язык. В Америке ещё работают над решением загадки "Испанский Язык".

(“Rrrr… Rrrr of three… of bik!” What these signs? They - not English! Not European ! Well, from where they? C of Mars? Actually - this is the secret code, created with the Soviet science of 200 years ago. First symbol of this “language” - “I”. Always confuses of all Americans and the majority of Europeans, because it is similar to their sign “R”. They think… “[Yayayayayaya]… I - ussia!” But it is still assured, even now, that this language am written vice versa. No one in America can count this code. And this is the main reason of the successes of Soviet intelligence officers, [kotorie] steal Western secrets each day. And never they understand, when spies [nazvayut] them “[sukin] son” or “bast sandal”. Because there is a blasphemy in this secret code, Russia frequently uses a people language. In America still they work at the solution of riddle “Spanish language” .)


True facts and other reliable liberal sources on the Internet - the only place to go for reliable information:

See Also[edit]

Common mental illnesses

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