Libertarianism
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“Libertarianism is the perfect pleasure. You can kick a libertarian's ass 100 times and still feel the desire to kick him again.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Libertarianism
"Never did me any harm." ~Bernie Madoffwithalotofotherpeoplesmoney on Libertarianism
"Every night me and me Droogies would rabotayem and iddy on the zamichatel for a bit of the old Libertarianism." ~Ron Paul on Libertarianism
“We want communism back!”
~ CIA on Libertarianism
Libertarians are ashamed of the fact that they are actually believers in a political ideology, since politicians in their eyes are fat, ugly vampires nurturing themselves by sucking the free spirit out of the back bones of ordinary citizens.
The libertarians therefore do not want to pretend to be politicians. Instead they tend to move far away from the political power centers where only the raccoons can hear their loud cries for liberty.
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[edit] Comparison with Classical Liberalism
Classical Liberalism and Libertarianism are often confused by people who don't bother to read history, but love to talk about it. Classical Liberalism started as people attempting to free themselves from authority, which at that time meant the state. As soon as a new authority came along in the form of corporations, people pretended that Classical Liberalism meant that you should be a wage slave. People against Authority then changed their name to Libertarians to avoid this problem.
Later, Classical Liberals realized that Libertarianism actually sounded a lot better than, and stole the name again.
Anti-Authoritarians have tried to use the word Anarchist to escape the capitalists finally, but the capitalists being one step ahead also use Anarcho-Capitialism. In 2024 Capitalists will call themselves Socialists.
While classical liberals defend freedom because the invisible hand and self interest in a open market society automatically will steer the economy in the direction most beneficial for the majority, libertarians fight authority because it's their own goddamned business what the fuck is cooking in their hay barn and whether they are huffing kittens with their own kids or not.
Libertarianism also provides a life supporting breathing hole for those bourgeois liberal middle class kids who want to smoke pot without having to become anarchists and renounce their family fortunes.
[edit] Description
The typical "modern libertarian" is an anti-government, beer-drinking, crack-smoking, gun-toting, bomb-making, orgy-participating, porn-loving, South Park-watching,straight,male,american "don't fuck with me" motherfucker who lives with his mom and hates the state Cheap sex, deadly flavors of the evil weed known as pot, and the latest and greatest style of handguns being available in every convenience store wouldn't concern a libertarian in the least. Libertarians are also known for opposing those evil commies, prudish Christians, and Arab types who seek to tyrannize the world with economic and personal repression based on dumb religious values and compassion paid for with other people's money. This includes, in the U.S.: the Democrats, Republicans and the Quakers, and in Canada: the Liberals, NDP, Greens, and Mounted Rangers
[edit] History
Libertarianism is believed to have started in early 1884 when founding fathers John Locke and Thomas Jefferson decided to spice up their liberal values in order to impress Ayn Rand with whom they both were in love. When Miss Rand chose to propose to L Ron Hubbard instead, the two gentlemen founded the libertarian principle Anything Goes, lost their marbles and tried to assassinate Mr. Hubbard, an attempt that failed when John Locke sneezed, being allergic to gun powder.
[edit] Yet to be fixed
Libertarians oppose the Iraq War, the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on War, and most other wars because wars are when poor people die for the benefit of rich people. They support, however, the War on the State - which, they assure us, will be launched "any day now". Libertarians also fornicate with anarchists.
Libertarians do, however, support the war on child pornography. Sociologists have long puzzled over this, arguing that either prohibitionism and criminalisation are evils or they are not, and that if the state has no right to intervene with people turning themselves into drooling thieving vegetables through chemical amusement aids, then it clearly should have no right to monitor and bug people's computers.
However the real reason for their objections appears to be that,at the moment,(unlike the drugs market) there is little hope of financial returns for investment in the Paedo pound. The other principle argument being that "unlimited consumer choice" should not be extended to (in scientific/rational terms) "filthy paedo scum who should be strung up with the commies." Of course the commie who wrote the previous statement is a dumb piece of shit because there would totally be a market for child porn if it was legal. Look how many people are on 4chan.
As the child porn market has extended however, there seems to be a rethink going on. (cf. Mary Ruwart: "Hey, kids have always screwed adults what's the big deal, they have a right to own their bodies and, hey, we all make mistakes." and Sean Gabb:" Hey, relax guys child porn is only child exploitation in the name of profit. Big deal, I've got a pair of shoes made by 5 year old Siberian orphans and I would think that being banged in a warm studio would be far preferable to them than being forced to operate that kind of machinery.")So, perhaps there is a chance that all those big fat corporate executives who currently blow Cocaine out of their backsides whilst banging their way through the infant population of Thailand and Sri Lanka will also soon feel the touch of Liberty's hand on their shoulders. Let's hope so, eh?
[edit] Political views
Contrary to popular belief, Libertarians don't support anything and are avid complainers. Mostly consisting of PO'ed Republicans, the party is often criticized by socialists/democrats/commies for support for the well-known evil capitalism and not putting in enough community service hours. Libertarians claim that capitalism is vilified wrongly, but no one listens. They scream and shout for full freedom to do as you will so long as it doesn't infringe on the ability for others to do as they please. This has prompted some badass positions such as the slogan "Your rights end where mine begin" and bringing back the "Don't tread on me" flag. In short, if you don't like capitalism and freedom, then move to China. Be happy in squalor.
Other less popular views:
- The freedom to practice any cult
- The freedom to masturbate on the Sabbath
- The freedom to masturbate to any freaky goat-related porn you can find.
- The freedom to star gay websites condemning homosexuality while masturbating
- For some reason, a lot to do with the freedom of masturbation.
- The freedom to not hire someone on the basis of his race, sexual orientation, religion, or smoking habit
- The freedom to acquire enormous sums of fiat money
- The freedom to hunt and consume smurfs
[edit] The Libertarian Song
To honor the sacred Libertarian cause, industrial-metal pioneer Oscar Wilde and his partner in crime, the famous novelist Trent Reznor, wrote these immortal lyrics of protest, which have been set to a famously stirring melody.
When the Libertarians come to town
Everything will turn upside down
No one will wear a frown
When the Libertarians come to town
The government will shrink to naught
Your coffee will always be hot
And it will be the cheapest you've ever bought
When the Libertarians come to town
You won't have to pay income taxes
No need to worry about downsizers' axes
The best companies will send you faxes
When the Libertarians come to town
The invisible Hand of Nature will keep
Every business exec and veep
On the straight and narrow, and we all will reap
Peace and plenty when the Libertarians come to town
The free market will improve every school
Child geniuses will become the rule
Our learning will make every nation drool
When the Libertarians come to town
When the Libertarians to Washington come
The streets will clear of vandal and bum
Pimps and pushers will get to run
Safe and legal businesses for everyone
When the Libertarians come to town
Send in the Libertarians...
Send in the Libertarians...
Won't someone, please, send in the Libertarians...
Sob.
[edit] How to spot a Libertarian?
A Libertarian can be one of two people. The type of Republican you never see, named Fat-Cats, or the type of Democrats you don't want to see, named Politically Active Hippies. All forty-nine party members are difficult to find. There are very specific instructions in order to catch one.
- You'll have to wait for the autumnal equinox, as Libertarians are known to fly south for the summer. Once the first leaves start to turn orange and fall from trees, they'll migrate back to their colder environments. Along this journey, the majestic Libertarian will find itself faced with all kinds of perils: Swimming upstream, crossing the street against the light, and the polar bear from Lost. These trials will quickly slough away the migratory layer of fat that the party member gained when it burst forth from its cocoon just prior to the equinox, requiring nourishment to maintain its million mile journey home.
- Supplies are as follows: A cardboard box, a plate, a wad of twenties, some pot, a stick, a length of rope, a square of cardboard, a sharpie pen, and a faux bush. Place the goods onto the plate, and prop the box up with the stick. With your sharpie, write on the square of cardboard "FREE MONEYZ + POT!!!!" and place it to the right of the box (your right, the box's left). Finally, set up the faux bush to the left of the box (your left, the box's right) and hide behind it with the rope securely tied to the stick.
- Now, wait. Eventually, a wandering Libertarian will poke its head out of its hole. Should the Libertarian see you, it will immediately grow to 50 times its size and... Shall we say the result will not be pretty? This is why you are hidden behind your bush! Lucky you! When the target scampers to the plate, quickly yank the stick and trap him or her in the box! Hurrah!
- But you're not finished yet, no sir. You merely have an Libertarian-in-a-box. The first thing you'll have to do is wait a little longer. Inside a box is not the natural habitat for the wild Libertarian. The domesticated breed is comfortable with this settings, certainly, but unless you're in The Czech Republic it will be impossible to find any calm and domesticated party members. This is why you've placed pot and cash in the box. S/he will use their natural ability to spit embers to ignite the twenties and smoke their new bounty. Hopefully this will calm the captured beast after a half hour or so.
- Signal your (somewhat) non-hostile intentions via interpretive dance. Do not worry that the Libertarian cannot see you, he or she will "see" the vibrations caused by your dance and smell the pheromones you produce. This will place them in a receptive state, but receptive to what is another matter. Will must then recite the Warrior's Prayer to gain their favor.
"Gods of war I call You. My sword is by my side.
I seek a life of honor, free from all false pride.
I will crack the whip with a bold mighty hail.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail.
Glory, Majesty, Unity!
Hail! Hail! Hail!"
- Now you're ready. Gently lift the box and make a wish.
[edit] Libertarians and the Internet
It is a well-known fact that since most Libertarians are engineers and IT guys, they rule the internet. However, in real life, their unkempt appearance and breath that smells of stale coffee and halitosis means that they usually are not taken seriously.
[edit] Libertarians and Charity
There is a train of thought that tends to regard Libertarians as a bunch of self-centred. tax-avoiding Scrooges , but this is far from the case. In 2008, for example, the Libertarian funded "Give A Shit For The Starving Africans" foundation managed to raise 333,000,000 cubic tonnes of pot brownies which was duly shipped to the poorer areas. Reactions to this display of generosity were very positive, especially among Libertarians.
[edit] Trivia
- Libertarians are noted for their opposition to government regulation and the income tax, their support for the decriminalization of "victimless crimes" (like drugs and prostitution), for burning books that disagree with Atlas Shrugged, and for their really, really good weed.
- Famous libertarians include Neil Peart, Ted Nugent, Kurt Russell, Ron Paul, Bill Maher, Drew Carey, Clint Eastwood, Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan, the South Park kids, most major Drug Lords and your mother. (French gift Lady Liberty is no Libertarian; she likes all parties...).
- Some of the greatest and proudest American heroes were libertarians, such as Buffalo Bill and Colonel Custer.
- Libertarians are often thought of as anarchists, but mostly they are viewed as prepubescent Republicans.
- Libertarians believe that the Laissez-faire economics is the undisputed zenith of economic policies, and the fact that only 3% of economists are Libertarian is a Liberal conspiracy.
- Libertarians are widely known to be confusing and self-contradictory to non-libertarians. This is largely due to libertarians' disdain for public education.
