Liberty Medical is a heroin and cancer porn-delivering company, which is owned partly by Wilford Brimley, Donald Trump, Don Imus, and Osama Bin Laden. Alan Alda once owned a stake in the company before he was eaten by Brimley. Their products are mostly marketed to retirees looking for a cheap high and a good time.
Based somewhere in Pennsyltucky, Liberty was founded in the year 1102 when Brimley wanted to provide "Affordable heroin to people who, quite frankly, deserve it!". They later expanded to cancer porn in the year 1992, when Imus joined the company. Since then, its sales totals have been in the billions of dollars, with 95% of the sales coming from Brimley himself.
The company employs about 5,658 employees, mostly Asian chicks Brimley imported from the exotic far east, whose travel costs he reportedly financed with the sale of one of the two lost paintings commemorating the famed Roman spectacle known as Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?
At the company's peak, they employed over 15,000 until Brimley ate most of the workers during an Ambien-fueled sleep-eating binge. Thus, working at Liberty is labeled as "high-risk", because Wilford Brimley could eat you at any time. Because of this, it was once profiled on The Al Queda Network's World's Most Dangerous Jobs.
One employee who was only partially eaten by Brimley was quoted as saying: "He took my arm, and just bit it off. Then he got my left ear until someone put a big piece of chocolate cake about 75 feet away from him, which ultimately distracted him".
The moral of this story: Don't get near Wilford Brimley when he's experiencing a fit of diabeetus.
Alleged Liberal Bias
Liberty Medical has reported ties with liberals such as Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Liberty flat out denied this, mentioning that "Republicans, Democrats, and especially members of the Green Party all get high off our products. We don't discriminate." Brimley said. Don Imus said along with that, "Anyone who hates our products is a nappy-headed ho. Plain and simple."
Alleged Terrorist Ties
Various customers of Liberty
- Your mom
- Barry Bonds
- Oscar Wilde
- The entire St. Louis Cardinals baseball team
- Ralph Nader
- Cookie Monster
- Whitney Houston