Librarian
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“Librarians are hiding something.”
~ Stephen Colbert on Librarians
“The Librarians will never take back Egypt.”
~ Cleopatra on Librarians
“Oook.”
~ The Librarian on Librarians
“Ssh!”
~ A Librarian on being asked a question
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding, and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. Plus, they are often aware of very cheap places to dine alone with books. Let us not mince words: librarians are hiding something(tm). A group of Librarians is also known as a shoosh.
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[edit] Stereotypes
The Common Vengeful Librarian, or Genus Insanus Derangus, is intent on spreading their autocracy beyond the confines of the library and imposing silence and bans on soft drink on wider society. Invariably middle-aged and smelling of old cheese, they take pleasure in promoting propaganda by installing posters bearing truisms such as "The Library - Quiet Fun for Everyone," "Books - More Than Just Paper," and "IQ Tests - Proof We're Better Than You" around the premises. Subsisting on a diet of coffee and tic-tacs (whose rattle, morbidly inevitable in the deathly silence of the library, shatters the nerves) which occasions chronic indigestion, and as such, any request to a librarian of this breed is met with annoyance and a superior sniff of disgust (they may also be set off by sentence fragments).
[edit] Super Powers
Most librarians' super powers are relegated to mind reading, reference and collection development. Some Librarians have heightened awareness for cataloging and categorization. Most enjoy fining patrons for late and/or damaged materials.
Additionally, Librarians can identify the enemies of the library system by smell: thieves, small children, politicians, tax payers, homeless people, teenagers, porn addicts, and the elusive library masturbator. These enemies are vanquished typically with the famous "Shhh" or the newer phrase "I'm calling the police."
[edit] Cats
All real Librarians have cats, some deviant Librarians also have dogs. Librarians who lack cats and or corrective lenses should not be trusted as they are abnormal to the species and should be destroyed. In modern times some librarians develop allergies to dust and pets and children and are condemned to solitude.
[edit] Hobbies
World of Warcraft. That's it.
[edit] Attire
All librarian attire is loose, layered and comfortable. Librarian clothes must be slept in for several days prior to wearing outside of the home. Cat fur is always present on pant cuffs and typically on sleeves as well. Elbow patches, bow ties and pipes are optional for men as well as women, though it should be noted that pipes are never smoked in the presence of books as the tobacco may damage them. It is also not unusual to find the color worn away from one knee of a librarian's pants, created by frequent kneeling to shelve items on the lower shelves.
Knitting paraphanalia is often used as an accessory, in addition to:
- Pens
- Keys
- The Jolly Roger
- Paperclips
- Barcodes
- Ponies
- Date Stamps and Pads
- Rules of Conduct
- Tote bags
[edit] The Book Love
In a recent scientific study Librarians were reported to love books. Book love is described in the DSM-IV under Delirium, Dementia, and Amnestic and Other Cognitive Disorders as:
- A. The presence of book love as manifested by motoric immobility, excessive motor activity (that is apparently purposeless and not influenced by external stimuli), extreme negativism or mutism, peculiarities of voluntary movement, or echolalia or echopraxia.
- B. There is evidence from the history, physical examination, or laboratory findings that the disturbance is the direct physiological consequence of reading.
- C. The disturbance is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., a Manic Episode).
- D. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a Delirium.
Average people only like books, and should not be trusted with books for more than 21 days in a row without incurring a daily fine of no less than ten cents per day for each day after 21 days, however this fine should not exceed the replacement cost of the item.
[edit] Frequently manifest behaviour
The common vengeful Librarian lives to destroy all graphic and espionage novels in the genocidal quest for textual purity, excused as "the natural process of literary cleansing". They attend weekend rallies supporting the introduction of the death penalty for overdue books and drive underpowered cars emblazoned with the slogan "kraft durch freude" whose engines strain under the weight of crates of such stimulating tomes as Beginners' Golfing Swings 2 and Arizona on a Skidoo and a Prayer.
[edit] How to Vanquish a Librarian
- TIP!: Vanquishing Librarians is most effective in non-book environments.
Repeat the following incantation three times "Your field is obsolete and you will be replaced with improved content and slicker GUI interfacia from Google." This should be sufficient to destroy the non-technical librarian.
A geekier librarian may be resistant to this incantation and should simply be bludgeoned with the first volume of the OED or a similarly large reference book.
[edit] Trivia
- Librarians are the upper-class Americans of knowledge; they comprise a negligible percentage of the population, yet possess 90% of resources. Well, knowledge, anyway. Stacking shelves with clinical precision and knowing the Turkish word for badminton is their vocation, but for many librarians, this alone does not satisfy their inherent thirst for power.
- A widely publicized gesture in which a female librarian unfastens her hair and shakes it loose is an ancient code used among male and female Librarians to signal each other. Though the action was long believed to be a mating ritual it was later discovered to be a call to an unrelated ritual in which the male implants seeds of doubt, which the female then destroys by conducting further research.
