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“Hey a movie about a woman being beaten by a man, how does thin network manage to keep things so fresh and original”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Lifetime

“I like to get up in the morning, put on one of my granny panties, a nice feminine bra, a really nice dress, and watch this wonderful station”

~ Jimmie Johnson on Lifetime, the channel I watch with my husband Jeff Gordon between races

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Why the fuck couldn't I get Spike TV?”

~ Forrest Gump on how his basic cable has Lifetime but not Spike TV

“Lifetime, television for idiots.”

~ Family Guy on Lifetime

“Life is what you live.”

~ Captain Obvious on Lifetime

“Lifetime, the channel for women... and gay men”

~ me on Lifetime

Lifetime is a pornographic television network in the United States, founded by Pope Benedict XVI. It is well-known for being strongly anti-women. Lifetime regularly airs original movies in which women are typically raped, murdered, stalked, or sold into slavery by evil, evil men. DAMN MEN, CAUSING ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!! Hey, let's kill all the men in the world and we can just watch lifetime all day!

Contents 1 History 2 Presidents of the Lifetime Network 3 Original Movies 3.1 Rape and/or Murder Movies 3.2 Pregnancy, Transsexual, and Prostitution Movies 4 Original TV Shows 4.1 TV Shows Starring Women 4.2 TV Shows Starring Gay Men

[edit] History

Lifetime was founded in 1924 in Germany by prominent Nazi Joseph Ratzinger (later known as Pope Benedict XVI) as Lebenzeit. The channel became the official channel of NSDAP. Popular programs during this era included Breakfast with Himmler and Heydrich's Playhouse.

After World War II, Lebenzeit was sold to Christian fundamentalists in the southern United States and renamed Lifetime. The channel was used to fight the civil rights movement.

When the male dominated United States government took over the network in 1970, the network became focused on Anti-Womenism, a new branch of Christianity. Eventually, a movie network was developed in 1992 in order to have a place where all the battered wife and raped university girl movies go to get a different kind of point of view.

Somewhere along the way the channel was taken over by women who were transported from the future by Pope Benedict XXXII, and they decided to use it as a tool to bring their crappy low budget radical feminist movies to the masses (and by the masses I mean the 46 year old plus sized single women who are stupid enough to watch Lifetime - these people still live with their parents and have autistic sons or daughters). According to Pope Benedict XXXII, he wanted to take over Lifetime Network so men would have to become homemakers but he needed women. Therefore, he took ninja lesbian radical feminists and sent them from an alternate 2012 (a.k.a 2012-A) where men were beginning to lose their civil rights under the Hillary Clinton administration.

Most people who watch Lifetime watch it on a satellite television system that they don't pay for. Since satellite television is mostly useless, quit watching Lifetime and get digital television instead you fucking freeloading FTA satellite television bum.

[edit] Presidents of the Lifetime Network

• Reinhard Heydrich (1924-1945)
• Winston Churchill (1945-1950)
• Pat Robertson (1950-1970)
• Richard Nixon (1970-1973)
• Dr. Phil (1973-1980)
• Ronald Reagan (1980-1990)
• The Rock (1990-1992)
• Richard Simmons (1992-1997)
• George W. Bush (1997-1998)
• Mrs. Bill Clinton (1998-2006)
• Juan Pablo Montoya (2006-2028)

[edit] Original Movies

Sponsored by the Pissed off Women.

[edit] Rape and/or Murder Movies

• Abandoned: the true story of a woman fought her deadbeat dad and her deadbeat husband.
• Killed By Her Husband
• Raped In The Alley
• Raped In The Alley And Then Killed By Her Husband
• Divorce And Murder
• The Woman Who Killed Her Husband And Got Away With It
• Jack The Ripper
• Jack The Ripper II: Jack Goes To Hollywood
• Stalked, Raped, And Murdered
• A Killer In My Toilet
• Total Bitch-Whore Kills Her Husband
• Men Are Assholes That Only Want To Sleep With You And Not Have A Meaningful Relationship
• Killed By Her Husband, Raped In The Alley, and Fights the Evil Mandroid

[edit] Pregnancy, Transsexual, and Prostitution Movies

• The pill: Our most sacred right.
• A Cross-Dressing Pervert Like Me: The Jimmie Johnson Story
• Kurt Busch's Secret Relationship with Ryan Newman Before He Married Eva Bryant
• 5 And Knocked Up
• I Was A Teenaged Whore
• I was A Teenaged Whore II: This movie somehow manages to make a teenaged whore look good and make one of the 300000 men who could be her kid's father look bad.
• Another Pregnant Teen movie: We're not even trying anymore
• That retarded movie with the kid who gets addicted to porno and it kills him or something
• Raped In The Alley III: Electric Boogaloo

[edit] Original TV Shows

Sponsored by the Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Harvick Charitable Trust Fund

[edit] TV Shows Starring Women

• Golden Girls on Estrogen (now on Hellmark)
• The Nanny (now found midnight Sunday on The CW)
• Down with Spike TV
• The Day that Husbands Obey Their Wives (mini-series)
• The Day that Fathers Obey Their Daughters (another mini-series)
• Republican National Convention
• Fashion Show Featuring Granny Panties, Pretty Dresses, and Wives of NASCAR Race Car Drivers Doing Typical Housewife Stuff
• Wife Slap

[edit] TV Shows Starring Gay Men

• The Jimmie Johnson show (talk show featuring the feminine homosexual NASCAR racer)
• Richard Petty Talks to Jesus and Prays to God
• The Love Triangle Between Jeff Gordon, Ingrid Vandebosch, and Jimmie Johnson
• Gay, Straight, or Republican
• How I Met Your Mother and Raped Her
• The Smallest Winner (a fashion show about supermodels that takes places outside Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
• The Apprentice: Homemaker Edition
• Frasier. No, Frasier wasn't gay. His brother was.
• The Chris Crocker show