|Status:||County, sometime independent nation and suburb of Stamfordshire|
- Total (2002 est.)
- Admin. council
- Admin. pop.
139 / km²
|Lincolnshire County Council|
|Executive:||Assorted mad rightwigers (known as moderates) and fascists|
|Members of Parliament|
|John Locke, Locke and Key, Robert Key, Robert Harris, Harris(on) Ford, Ford Focus, Focus Do It All, All you can eat for just two pounds nintey five, Hawaii Five-0, O.J. Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Parker Pen, Jean-Marie Le Pen, Norma Jean Baker, Norma Major, John Major.|
Lindsey is a peaceful county under the occupation of the Royal Air Force since its formation in 1918. The county town, Caistor, is situated on the River Witham; other settlements are located on the river Withoutam. To the east you will find the lowphens, whereas in libraries to the west you may find some hyphens. To the south Sir Isaac Newton became famous for discovering that sitting beneath apple trees can be hazardous at certain times of the year.
The formation aerobic team "The Red Sparrows" is based near the A17 pop group at RAF Cranberry whilst surveillance aircraft - the Earwax force - are stationed nearby at Waddington. Many of the more northerly districts were leased to Humberside for a while, but these were handed-back shortly before the warranties expired. The picturesque village of Boothby Graffoe was named after a Twentieth Century comedian and songwriter. Titmuss Abbey was made in Ruskington but has apparently fallen into ruin. To the the south of the county a Flour Parade is held each Spring in Spalding, followed by a summer sandcastle competition at Wholebeach. The county is also notable for being the original home of the NBA franchise Utah Jazz, who were founded in 1823 as a hunting club under the name the Wisbeach Fauntleroys. Fruit is sold weekly at Market Raisin, some being used to make pickle at Branston.
Many of the settlements and roads were laid out by the Vikings before they moved south to sell stationery supplies. In World War II Bomber Command was organised from Woodhall Spam where the old officers' mess has been cleaned-up to create an hotel. Mabel Thorpe, a resident of Fantasy Island, once led the Liberal Party and a pipe-repair compound was invented at Old Leake. Belton saw the development of cosmetic dentistry, hence the expression "Belton braces" whereas midwifery was invented at Welborn.
In about 1990 many of the mental hospitals in the county were closed when it was recognised that their patients would blend happily with the indigenous population were it not for the deviant characteristics of the staff. Since this date, many migrant communities have been welcomed to the largely agricultural county for instance at Gosberton. After all, as Oscar Wilde said, with fens like these who needs enemies? Representative of these successful migrant groups are the Kirton Poles who settled near Boston, south of the border in Stamfordshire.
Lindsey is a diverse county with terrain ranging from flat to very flat. It also has rivers, the most notable being the River Willy which featured twice in the Guiness Book of Records as the River with the most shopping trolleys per mile and as the River with the funniest name fending off competition from the River Poo in Italy and the River Bum in South Korea.
Lincoln is divided into subsections each with its own affectionate name.
Birchwood. Or the Schwood as it is so known. Although it was by an air rifle as the Schwoodians cant afford real guns. Birchwood is locally known as the seventh gate of hell due to its odd fixation with battery acid and pitchforks.
St Giles. The gillys. Children running around naked , some with cardboard bikini tops eating the eyes of anyone who dares walk in. Avoid at all costs.
Westwick A toned down version of the gillys as Wecky has upgraded to bubble wrap clothing. Notice the tribal behaviour as each family tries to out do each other with a random kitchen appliance on their front lawn. The bigger and more rusty makes you the chieftain.
An incredibly long road which some believe to have the magical power to turn you into a polish person within five and a half hours.
Lindseyiteians enjoy going down the pub and coming back again. Reading about horrendous traffic accidents on the A52 is another regular pastime. Lincoln's Prince Charles Memorial Theatre is notable for having plays on and was once visited by the great Eric Morecambe who remarked "I need a piss!" before running off into what he thought was a toilet, but was actually Joan Collins' wig. Records show that he refused to do the funny skipping/funny walk type thing for which he was famous.
Sport & Recreation
Until it was outlawed in 1987 a popular pursuit was Hunt the Incomers in which anyone from down south would be rounded-up, assigned to teams and given a minute to run away. After a minute, locals would chase them down using massive giant robot type things like the ones you see in cartoons from Japan. The first 20 caught would be fed to crocodiles with crocodiles for arms. The next 20 would be cut in half and sent in boxes to Iran and the rest, bar one, would be forced to live in Walthamstow for the rest of their lives. The winner was the last person to be caught, he or she would be given the "prize" of a beach hut in Skegness.
The county boasts several professional sporting teams. In football Lincoln "hoof" City, Boston "cheating inbread scum" United, sCUNThorpe "Scunthorpe" United and The Grimsby Towns. There are teams in basketball (Boston Celtics), ice hockey (Boston Bruins) and baseball (Boston Red Sox). Suggestions that these teams play in Boston, Massachusetts and that claiming otherwise is an unfunny, tired joke have been refuted by the staff of Soccer AM. Residents enjoy cycling against the wind, pool and strip poker.