Linda Martin

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Linda Martin.
The Dogs' Bollocks: Martin (bottom left) virtually indistinguishable from other dogs in this recent outing.

Linda 'Manky' Martin (harvested January 20, 1872) is a former Eurovision winner and so-called Irish celebrity, appearing on RTÉ television.


Elegant, delightful, angelic. None of these words have ever been used to describe Linda Martin, who for years has been a stain on Irish society. Raised by hyenas on the African plains, Martin has retained much of the animal characteristics that define the chattering scavengers, not least in her looks and her 'singing' voice. Her agent has been careful to disguise her upbringing, and created a new lineage that belies Martin's true wild heritage. It is now claimed that she was brought up in Belfast, but pictures have previously been captured revealing that she prefers eating Pedigree Chum from a dish on the floor rather than sit at her kitchen table.


It is alleged that Martin began her 'career' when she joined a band called Chips, in Belfast, in 1969, while she was still at school, according to the subversive Wikipedia site. However, this reveals the inconsistencies often exposed in Martin's manufactured background in an attempt to disguise her hyena upbringing. Had she been born in 1947, as claimed, she would then have been 22 and still in school. This is in fact quite possible, as Martin was not discovered in Africa until 1955 by a hunting expedition led by Lord Alan Winthorpe, who initially believed he had discovered a new species. He was right; he had. He named it Martinus Toxicum, after a son he despised who was addicted to opium. Lord Winthorpe had actually shot Martin in the face with a 12-bore shotgun before realising the animal was not a hybrid hyena. Martin's face, stitched up by drunk members of the Masai tribe, still bears the obvious scars of this almost fatal encounter.


Why Me? It was the question on everyone's lips in 1992, when Martin stormed the Eurovision Song Contest to win the atrocious competition. Baring her fangs, Martin screamed out the song written by previous Eurovision winner Johnny Logan.

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