Linda McCartney

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“She wouldn’t stop making me eat cheese”

~ Stella McCartney on Lynda

“When it came to Animals she went a little too far....wiblle, wobble”

~ Rolf Harris on Lynda

“When is a sausage not a sausage…when Lynda bloody McCartny makes it”

~ Oscar Wilde on her cooking

“Vat ist wrong mit mein Wurter, papi ”

~ Small fat german kid on her cooking
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Linda McCartney.
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Lynda McCartney was born in 1929. Her mother, a Milkmaid called Melbruge and her father, Navy Captain Mike Birdseye lived in the hometown of Newquay in Wales. Lynda was christened Linda Birdseye by the reverend Desmond Tutu – the first black minister in Wales at the time. Linda’s obsession with cheese and insects began at the age of 3 when she fell in an Urn full of milk her mother had just excreted from a local cow, whilst trying not to drown and flapping in a panic, linda’s churning of the milk started to solidify it and she was able to climb out of the Urn (without getting caught by her mother) on small steps she made in the solidifying mixture. Later as the solidifying milk began to smell on her armpits Linda tried to eat the evidence, here she realised how nice it tasted, when her mother and father noticed the yellow mould growing on her skin they took her to the doctor who pronounced she had a rare skin condition known as cheesing of the skin, the only cure was to lye in a box full of Cheese Beatles which would eat the mould off her skin leaving her cured. Linda spent 2 days in the box sharing cheese with the beatles.


She’s leaving home[edit]

At the age of 16 Linda Birdseye lost her father to a shipping accident in the Bearing Sea, whilst fishing for Crabs in his boat the Cornelia Marie. It was initially though he was sunk by a German U-boat however, a film crew filming the exploits of her fathers fleet confirmed that Mikes boat had been attacked by the Cracken and sank quickly, none of the Cornelia Marie were recovered from the Bearing Sea and Linda took it upon herself to recover her fathers body. Despite the sheer logistics of such a recovery attempt, (she was 20,000 miles away in Wales, she couldn’t sail, she didn’t know where the Bearing Sea was and she didn’t have a boat,) nobody could convince Linda to stop trying to recover her fathers body and she headed out on her destiny. She managed to get a train ride to Birkenhead and there travelled by pack horse to Liverpool. She gave up the idea 12 hours later when she was stood on the Docks where her fathers boat had sailed from and she saw the Sailors and Scousers who she would have to deal with to go on her voyage. Linda decided that her fathers memory would better be celebrated not by a gravestone and some remains but by his picture and name on a brand of cheese based food snacks which she would make and sell to the world.

Early Beginnings[edit]

Melbruge Birdseye inherited 4 dairy cows from her former employer Gerard Morgan-Grenville who had diversified into ‘Alternative Technology’ and donated his entire farm to a group of Hippies.

As Milk was now out of favour with the new post War Welsh who preferred the newly imported American Soda Stream to fill them with irregular flavoured and coloured gassed water, Gerards leaving gift to Melbruge seemed like an empty gesture. That was until Linda approached her mum with a radical idea for her mums milk to be fashioned into ‘Captain Mikes Cheese Slices’.

Linda had figured out that when peeled from her skin, the cheese could be cut into thin, sandwich sized pieces, ideal for kids lunches and BBQ’s. This offered an immediate improvement over normal blocks of cheese which was difficult to slice. Linda figured that if stuff was going to be “as good as sliced bread” which made an appearance the year previous to this, it made sense to have pre-sliced cheese along with this.

Linda and her mum set to work on what was to revolutionise the way cheese was served

Making it Big[edit]

What neither Linda or Melbruge realised at the time was 3 huge events which would catapult Captain Mikes Cheese Slices to the top of the Global Cheese Market.

Event number one was post world war Britain. Britan had dropped so many bombs and lost so many aircraft during the war a massive recycling campaign had stripped the nation of cutlery which were melted down and made into aircraft. Those which were left were in such a state that no-one dared to cut cheese and even hard butter was replaced by Margarene. Some spoons were in such a poor state they could no longer stir tea and this was despite the upsurge in Pikeys from Ireland travelling Britain offering a cutlery repair service (and pegs). Winston Churchill actually tried to get included in the treaty of Versailles that all Cutlery on German soil was the sole property of HM the Queen of England and should be returned to the throne however Lenin wanted it removed from the treaty on account that it threatened the stability of the Irish Spoon Menders (who were a cover for Communist Spies in England) and in the meantime, the Spork was invented in the United Stated as a way of eating with only one hand thus saving the effort of two hands to eat and Eisenhower feared it threatened US export potential to the UK.

Event number 2 was that the change in the social climate within the race of America. Having worked so hard in WW2, Americans no longer wanted to be bothered with anything, let alone cutting cheese. America employed immigrant labour by the billions from a country an American Bomber crew discovered only years earlier when the overflew Dortmund and landed in the desert. The crew of the Memphis Belle later commented, “It reminded me of Alabama, it reminded me of Florida, it reminded me of Rhode Island, it reminded me of Idaho, it reminded me of Califonia, it reminded me of Alabama, shut up doofus you already said yours, it reminded me of Arkansas so we named it from the first letter of every state, Afraci – hey doofus, im higher rank than you so I come first, Afriac, hey Gumbo, please don’t make me be last, you know I hate the back maaan, ok then, Africa”.

This barbarian race were too busy slaughtering each other with machetes to realise there was a world war on and were left behind in the development stakes, natural selection made them ideal to help the Americans with their work ethic problem and many became well paid servants to Americans. It turned out that once all the American spent their savings on the African helpers, the African helpers then became lazy and paid the poor Americans to help them out, this gain-share agreement goes on today and the current cycle has the Africans as the masters.

Anyway, sliced cheese became a huge hit in America, mainly because sporks were useless at cutting cheese.

If event number 1 and 2 were the catalysts of change, event number 3 allowed Captain Mikes Cheese to react to this catalyst. In 1951, due to the demand for Cheese Slices, a whopping three fifths (3/5) of the global milk output would be shipped to Newquay in Wales. It was said that if the Milk Vats on Lindas farm ever burst, a tidal wave of milk would flood Wales to Offia’s Dyke taking all the 400 strong population of welshmen and miners with it. The uproar in the Welsh Assembly in Cardiff that year signalled the end of the Welsh Connection to Captain Mikes Cheese and Linda and her now ageing mother had to find new premises – these were discovered by Linda on one of her Hot Air Ballooning trips where she found a strip of land that reminded her of her fathers arm – Kintyre and the picturesque farming community on the tip of Kintyre known as the Mull of aforementioned Kintyre.


Rock and Roll[edit]

Whilst stinking rich, Linda had decided that her world was incomplete, her fathers name was now global and his legacy would live on however, Linda needed a family and she set about trying to find one. She spent more time in the city mixing with the cosmopolitan people of London and Paris. She changed her name to Lynda to fit in with the free flowing casual lifestyle and in the late 50’s in a club in Londons west end Lynda watched a group that would change her life forever. The Libertines were a 4 piece outfit from Liverpool, they consisted of Carl Barat, Pete Doherty, John Hassall and future U2 pilot and American spy to be captured in Russia, Gary Powell. Lynda immediately fell for front man Doherty whos incoherent rambling reminded her of her own father after a bottle of rum. His moves dazzled her as did his well toned body and Lynda knew that this fine man was to be the father of her children. Through her friends, Lynda eventually made contact with Pete meeting him at a party and after a whirlwind romance lasting 2 weeks Lynda and Doherty married in a Church in London.


The hand of fate[edit]

“Fate is the fabric of the universe”

~ Steven Hawkins on on Fate

“Fancy a joust Hawkins”

~ Christopher Reeve on on Steven Hawkings

Lynda and Pete were the A-list couple of Britain of their time, her a self made Millionairess and him, a world renown and loved rock star selling billions of records worldwide each year. It seemed that the future was all good for the Doherty’s and Lynda began to plan children.

Unbeknownst to Lynda, Pete had become addicted to a new drug which was sweeping the globe called Caffeine. Whilst touring America, Pete was drinking six or seven cups each day, Pete stopped sleeping and started to become paranoid. Fuelled by caffeine and lack of sleep, Petes paranoid illusions hit an all time high when he claimed he saw Moses parting the Thames and tried to follow him across. Petes body was recovered near Canning Town and Lynda was woken in the night by friends who had been with Pete. Hysterical, Lynda rushed to the scene to find Petes body being pulled from the Thames by police officers, in her state she rushed towards them not looking where she was going and was knocked over by a police motorcycle severing her leg at the thigh.

Lynda woke up in St. Barts hospital, her leg amputated and now a widow.

Happily Ever After……[edit]

Lynda believed she would never again find the true love that she had with Pete, she believe love was a one stop shop and she had had hers. She decided to devote her life to those less fortunate and 3 years after the accident Lynda was raising money for landmine victims, caffeine addicts, the welsh.

During a charity dinner, Lynda got talking to a man with an accent she recognised as from Liverpool. She told her story of her trip to Liverpool when she was 16 to set sail to rescue her fathers body, amazingly, the cheeky scouser knew of her story, he said it was local folklore in Liverpool of the pretty little welsh girl they nearly got on their fishing boat for the 5 month sail.

The man told Lynda he was a travelling salesman and he had been selling cutlery back in the USSR for what felt like 8 days a week. He had returned to the United Kingdom because he had wanted to have children before or when he was 64.

Lynda and Paul continues to see each other and after 2 years the married in a Castle in Ireland. 1 year later Lynda McCartney gave birth to her daughter who they called Stella.

Finale[edit]

Lynda and Paul live on the Mull of Kintyre in Scotland. After the cheese and wine revolution of the early 80’s had nearly broke the buisiness, the cheese slice business was sold to Dairlylee however, in 1982 Lynda McCartney once again emerged on the world food scene with her own named brand of meat free products.

These vegetarian delights are today sold in the tens form nearly 5 Petrol Serivce Stations on the A33 in Kintyre.

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