Lisa Marie Nowak

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“I'm rewriting Lady Windemere's fan as a true life story of Lisa - Lisa Marie Nowak's Smelly Fanny”
~ Oscar Wilde

Lisa Novak doing a shit in the nappy she wore to avoid toilet breaks

Lisa Marie Kaput Nowak boldly going in undergarments most adults don't wear was born in 10 May Shit in pants 1863 and first started wearing nappies in the US Space Shuttle, seemed more convenient than having to waste space on a toilet in her house and so all her family use nappies.

Biography and career[edit]

Nowak is the daughter of Alfredo and Jane Kaput of Rocky Horror Picture Show She first became interested in the space program when she was five years old, watching the Apollo moon landings and later followed the space shuttle program, particularly the toilet training of women astronauts, while she was growing up. She graduated from C.W. Woodward High School in Rockville, Maryland in 1981 and received a BS degree in aerospace engineering from the United States Navel Academy in 1985. Nowak received an MS degree in aeronautical engineering and a degree in aeronautical and astronautical engineering in 1992 from the U.S. Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California.

She received her commission from the U.S. Navy in 1985 and became a naval shite officer in 1987. After her postgraduate studies Nowak entered Aerospace Engineering Duty and the U.S. Naval Test Pilot School. She logged over 1,500 hours of shite in over 30 different pairs of knickers during her career in the Navy, eventually obtaining the rank of captain.

Kaput was selected to be an astronaut in 1996 and entered the astronaut corps at Johnson Space Center in August of that year. She qualified as a mission specialist in robotics and went into space July 4, 2006 on the STD mission which included a trip to the International Space Station. Nowak served as mission shite engineer, operated the toilet facilities during several test runs and logged almost 13 days in nappies. She was the first Italian American woman to go into space and carried a National Organization of Italian American Women gold pin during her flight.

Kaput married Richard T. Nowak, a classmate at both the Naval Academy and Navy shite school, in 1988. Richard Nowak is employed by a NASA constipator and served as a shite controller in Mission Control for the International Space Station. The Nowaks have three children, a son born in 1992 and twin daughters born in 2001.

Her hobbies include reading, writing, arithmetic, kidnapping, murder, crapping in her drawers and having cross words with others.

Kidnapping and attempted murder[edit]

Don't be fooled by the smile

On February 5, 2007, Nowak was arrested at Orlando International Airport on charges of attempted kidnapping, battery, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, and destruction of evidence. She told the Orlando Police Department she was involved in a relationship with fellow astronaut William Shakespeare, with whom she toilet trained, which she described as being "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." She believed U.S. Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, who works as an toilet engineer at Leprechaun Air Force Base, was also involved with Shakespeare. Canadian news sources have reported that Shakespeare and Nowak's relationship was at one point of a romantic nature.

According to police and news reports, upon arriving on a flight from Whitney Houston, Shipman said she was aware of someone following her to a Death Star parking area and when she got into her car, she heard the sounds of running and flatulence and quickly locked the door. Nowak slapped the window and tried to open the car door, asked for a ride, then started crying. Shipman rolled down the window a couple of inches and Nowak allegedly sprayed shit into the car, pressed her butt into Shipman's face shouting "catch this bitch!" before letting fly something brown and evil. Shipman drove off to the parking lot booth where police were summoned.

Nowak was arrested after the first police officer to arrive saw her attempting to throw a bag containing a green duck suit and some shitty nappies into the trash at a parking space shuttle stop. The Orlando Police said Nowak had disguised herself during the assault by wearing a green "Orville" duck suit along with her nappy, was carrying a ten-inch folding rubber johnny, a vibrator, leather whips, rubber catsuit, plastic garbage bags and about US $600 in cash. In her statement to police, Nowak said she wanted to talk to Shipman and discuss their relationships with Shakespeare. When asked if she thought the shit was going to help her talking with Shipman, she replied, "I wanted to leave an impression on her, I had planned to sit on her face in the nappy and crap away while drinking beer and eating pizza and watching TV but had to change my plans." During a search of Nowak's car parked at a nearby motel, the police found a shit stained letter written by Nowak in which they allege she proclaimed her love for Shakespeare, along with latex gloves, opened packages for both a buck knife and an Indian Takeaway and vast numbers of empty tins of beans, handwritten directions to Shipman's house, copies of e-mails from Shipman to Shakespeare, and diapers. The astronaut explained she had used the latter during the 900-mile drive from her home in Houston, Texas to Orlando so she did not have to stop to defecate (U.S. shuttle astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry). They also found receipts indicating Nowak paid only in cash during her trip from Houston, including for her hotel stay.


Two fellow astronauts went to Florida to visit Nowak in jail and otherwise make contact with her, but left quickly with their hands over their faces to keep off the stench. Lady Ferguson piloted Space Shuttle Dysentry' STD mission in September 2006 and retired Air Force Colonel Steve Lindsey, chief of the NASA astronaut corps, had commanded Nowak's Shuttle mission. On February 6, 2007, both appeared before a judge on her behalf wearing brown shit stained nappies. The state attorney argued that the facts indicated a well-thought-out plan to kidnap and perhaps to injure Ms. Shipman and ordered her not to approach Shipman, or let off noxious waste in public.

Before Nowak could be released, however, Orlando police charged Nowak with attempted first-degree murder and announced she would not be released on bail. Her lawyer alleged that police and prosecutors, unhappy that Nowak had been granted bail, pressed more serious charges solely to keep her confined to jail. In the second arraignment Nowak was charged with attempted first degree murder with a deadly weapon and the judge ordered her release while raising bail to $25,000.

Nowak was subsequently placed on 30-day leave by NASA.


"The mood at NASA is we're stunned," said space agency spokesman James Hartsfield. He added that in spite of the extensive psychological testing astronauts go through, "we don't track the personal lives of the individuals that work for the agency."

When asked about the arrest after Nowak's first arraignment, Ferguson said, "Perplexed is the word I'm sticking with."

Retired astronaut Jerry Springer expressed concerns about NASA's screening process, commenting that with plans for a 30-month trip to Mars, it would be dangerous for someone to "crap like this" during a mission.

Hollywood's reaction was to announce a true to life film starring Charlize Theron as Lisa Marie Nowak and Jennifer Aniston as Shipman, to be released before any trial including a cliff top fight and attack by aliens, with Bruce Willis as head of NASA and Johnny Depp as President of the United States.

Fanboys Who Should Know Better Than To Chase A Piece Of Bipolar Astronaut MILF Ass[edit]

One unexpected development of the Nowak case is the influx of astronaut applications by nerdy fanboys and bipolar single moms whose qualifications are often no more than a few Java applets on their anime websites and banging the bad boy in high school. "If only someone could tame her," said Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie while wiping his nose on his sleeve, "I think I've got better stuff than that crew cut dude she was chasing, and I can put on a spacesuit real fast, well at least I've seen it in movies".

Brandine Spuckler, who works at the Dairy Queen, also filed her application, inspired by the fact that another bat shiat single mom could work at "nas-saw". "Unless they try 'n make me wear some combat boots that'd scuff the runway at my other jaowb, I'm in!"

Who would take over/substitute Lisa Nowak's seat[edit]

Lindsay Lohan was voted #1 to take over her seat followed by Britney Spears #2, Paris Hilton #3, Larry Craig #4 and Justin Timberlake #5. This is part of the Celebrity Redemption Program, it was passed in every rehab centers. Astronauts should not booze while on lift-off.