Mr. T
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“That's me ya fool!”
~ Laurence Tureaud on this article
“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!”
~ Mr T on fool
“I aint getting on no plane FOOL”
~ Mr. T on planes
“Get this foolish plane off me”
~ Mr. T on Dyslexia
“i pitty on all you fools”
~ mr.t on pitty fools
Born Gilbert P Barnaby Cuthbertius (Mongolian for "Bringer of Vast Pity") is one of the most diverse entertainers in all of the universe, and the most deadly. He will strangle you and make the A-team beat you up and shoot lasers in your eyes and give you pink eye by farting on your face. Also, he can make flowers wilt by just staring at them. It is believed by today's most revered scientists that when God said "By the power of Greyskull, let there be light" he was speaking to Dr. T, who took off a necklace and threw it into the sky to create the sun. And after close examination of ancient texts, it has been shown that due to mankind's ignorance and translation errors (there was no spellcheck back then, Mr. G created it millennia later), the original words of God were misquoted. Those responsible were sacked. The actual text of God's plea for light was as follows: "Oh great and powerful Mr. H, please grant upon me the honor to serve thee by allowing me to create a world in which thee will let there be light." Mr. Obama then proceeds to leave Earth until recent times in order to fight the works of Super Mohammed McBuddha. He has starred in many major motion pictures, hosted his own talk show, starred in multiple sitcoms, guest starred on dozens of sitcoms, hosted the longest running cooking show in the history of the Food Network, appeared in many plays both on and off Broadway, hosted his own children's show, performed stand up comedy around the world, built the pyramids, donated 20,000 dollars to the Human Fund, written several introspective poetry tomes and epics that are commonly attributed to other authors, and even authored the New York Times crossword puzzles for nearly a decade. Unfortunately, all of these were unsolvable and the New York Times nearly went out of business due to lack of sales. In the United States, being pitied by Dr. T is considered a natural cause of death in 34 states. The same is true in Japan's Osaka and Kyoto prefectures. Being pitied by DR. T is not covered in life insurance, and fools attempting to collect from said pitying end up getting pitied in turn. Mysteriously, Dr. T cured a man of homosexuality through the sacrament of pity. However, it is believed that his existance is a paradox, as he pitied himself into existence. Anyone who proves this mysterious spontaneously gets pitied. AAAAAAAAH! Dr T. says, He meant combusts.I meant it, FOOL!
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[edit] History
Dr.T was born in the Mongolian foothills of Malaysia. Some say he is the only God, others say he is the only man who can defeat Boris Johnson and very few say he is Master Chief of the BBC halo. Dr. T lets Ice T keep his last name under one condition: He must stop trying to act on Law and Order and become his kitty kat at age 150. (The jokes on Dr. T because Ice T is nothing but a mere mortal).
Mr. T has been clocked at 100 fp/s (foos pitied per second), it is not known what instrument was used to measure this, or by whom the measurement was taken, however the evidence that this has occurred is irrefutable because Mr. T has threatened to pity anyone who attempts to refute it.
He is the only person in World Of Warcraft to have a Mohawk class.
Mr T is so thoroughly real that in 1995 he was diagnosed with T!-cell lymphoma, but don't pity or he will hurt your face.
[edit] President Mr. T
Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T ran for presidency in 1969, only to be deemed ineligible after he was found to be "perfect" by scientists. Mr. T is now the presidential advisor and has been since 1970. However, during George W. Bush's term Mr. T did not serve as presidential advisor. Instead, he was believed to be near the Kepler Asteroid Belt, destroying a large asteroid on a colision course with Earth.
[edit] Current Life
[edit] The Miracle Birth of Mr. T
T was born in Lawrence, KS, to Dr. and Mrs. T. His Famous First Words Being "Pity Da Fool, you cracka ass hobo, homo, bitch!" Even though the Queen is white, Bob is so black (and big) it doesn't matter. So he was born with massive 100,000,000 pounds Balls of gold. His birth was heralded by miraculous signs heralding pitying times, including the appearance of a new star in the sky, rain falling upon the Sahara desert for the first time in a century, John Lennon arising out of a Mississippi swamp and the spontaneous combustion of 3,147 fools. In Mr. T's Early Life, He May have been cousins, with the Great Nick Vishneski.
Astonishingly, Mr. T was born with his pubes, gold chains and mohawk. This is why the Queen walks the way she does.
Several minutes after his birth, three S.W.A.T. teams from two different counties burst into the delivery room. They did not survive his foul mouth.
The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks claims that their lord and saviour, SharkJesus, was in fact responsible for the birth of Mr. T. This is a topic of hot debate amongst Mr. T experts.
[edit] Upbringing
Mr. T went through a brief period of renaissance, where he enthusiastically embraced a light refreshments and a myriad of cultural learning and activities. During this time he frequently engaged in surfing, pottery, painting, eating hamburgers one-handed, pitying fools and talking pretentiously. He gained fluent use of thirteen languages (including Klingon) and wrote a book on religious philosophy. It was called 'Stabbing Rampage' and thus did very poorly sales-wise.
After a week of this life had passed, Mr. T happened to stumble upon a wounded van by the side of the road. Moved out of pity, Mr T stopped to repair the medium-sized transport vehicle. He lovingly replaced its tires, and even polished it, despite the blazing heat. Sunburned, and layered in sweat, Mr T stood back in awe of the van he had made new. It gleamed with an intangible power, and it stood before him in a stance befitting a warrior of god-given might. Tired by his hours of work, Mr. T drove the vehicle back home. Its engine roared and its wheels tore eagerly at the ground. Mr.T had rebirthed this lowly piece of Detroit vomit into a fire-breathing, baby-eating, force of nature that, although never consuming fuel, had the carbon footprint of a nuclear warhead, just because it was awesome. Finally Mr T had met his one and only equal, who would forever remain his nemesis. He threw away his artwork, burned his writings, and shaved his hair with a shard of glass, I pity you with your none-mohawk hair!
It is also a known fact that Mr. T doesn't go on "no plain", yes you read it correctly, "plain". Ever since he was a child he would run through fields until one day he tripped over a root vegetable. After this scarring experience, Mr T will never go anywhere near farms or the countryside. Except when fools really deserve pitying, or he is visiting his woman, Hobo Jane.
After becoming a children's T.V presenter and having an extreme urge to sing through every single episode, he gave up wearing gold, but thankfully, only for a while. He also started talking normally. For example instead of saying "I ain't gettin' on no plain!" he now says in proper English vocalisation: "I refuse to obey, as I have a very well justified phobia of large, open, grassy plains". Mr. T still has some trouble with this, as he cannot speak normally without spewing out millions of fools that he has pitied.
[edit] Assassination Attempt
On December 18th 1985, at the height of The A-Team's success, enraged actors David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman attempted to assassinate Mr. T. They were fed up with Mr. T's show being more popular than theirs (no surprises there.). They decided to strike while Mr. T was eating his Cheetos. Unfortunately for them, they were unaware that Cheetos gave Mr. T (and all people with mohawks) super human strength (which Mr. T had anyway, so really they were just screwed up anyway.) When Hasselhoff threw Coleman through Mr. T's trailer door, Mr. T caught Coleman and proceeded to bite said diminutive child star's penis off. (An event which would cause Coleman to attack forty-year-old women who would dare ask him for his autograph.) David fired off a few rounds at Mr. T, but only managed to hit Mr. T's bag of Cheeto's. Infuriated, Mr. T called Hasselhoff a "fool", and he and the A. Team took a shit right in his mouth. (This is rumored to be the cause of Hasselhoff's shitty singing career, but no-one wanted to prove it.) then eventually Danial Munoz in 1980 trying to get more power. had tryed to get rid of the most powerful people on earth his list statred with mr.t. fidel wanting to do the work himself had shot a sniper round at mr.t the bullet bounced of of his mohawk and nearly killed Danial Munoz.
[edit] The Rise of Bizarro T
Some time later, a youth center was destroyed and Mr. T was the prime suspect. T was then confronted by an alternate and disfigured version of himself, Bizarro T! Bizarro T wore a pair of glasses with a plastic nose, he had an afro and a clock around his neck. He spoke bengali in what Mr. T could only describe as "Jibba Jabba" (hence the phrase "quit that jibba jabba" which went on to become a vital part of Snicker's adverts, this raised their sales to record highs). An epic battle then began! The two charged at each other, causing an atomic explosion. Luckily, they were fighing in in New Jersey so no one noticed.
The battle raged on through the night, when eventually, the real T emerged triumphant. He then proceeded to throw Bizarro T helluva far (he ended up crashing into the Eiffel Tower). Bizarro's only reaction to this was: "Zounds! That Mr. T can propel large objects incomparably long distances!"
[edit] Mr.T and "The Fool"
The days in which Mr. T lived as a struggling playwright saw the rise of extreme animosity between himself and William Shakespeare. Mr. T was still searching for the one big idea which embodied his pure badassness, while Shakespeare held raving parties, danced with naked women on Mr. T's front lawn and ordered pizzas in T's name while NOT leaving a tip. Mr. T could not seem to overcome the evil powers of Shakespeare, until the ill-fated play "King Lear" was published under Shakepseares name. So awful was the character of 'The Fool' in the play that Mr. T laughed for an entire year, a laugh that ruptured the Earth's crust forming what would later be known as the tectonic plates, and excalimed "I pity the Fool" a remark that caused Shakespeare's head to implode due to the shear quantity of badass pitying it endured. The phrase instantly rocketed Mr. T to the role he holds today.
[edit] The Silver Chains of Darkness
After 10 years of suffering in Spice World, Newman has managed to find an ancient artifact that opposties Mr. T's Gold Chains of Light: The Silver Chains of Darkness, or the SCOD. With that artifact in his possesion, Newman constructed an evil mechanical copy of Mr. T, the Silver T and gave him the SCOD to wear, Silver T then transformed into a mail truck with all of the capabilities of the GMC van, getting Newman back to Earth.
Newman sent Silver T in an assault at a milk factory, only to lure Mr. T into his trap: a giant gold magnet! As Mr. T aprroached Newman activated the magnet, which took away Mr. T's chains, making Silver T gain the upper hand. As the two fought, Silver T lifted Mr. T and was about to throw him when a stick hit him. Mr. T saw Jerry Seinfeld. George Costanza, Cosmo Kramer and Bob Saget have come to help. Mr. T had an idea and told the gang to stall the Silver T.
Seinfeld and his friends where no match to the force of Silver T, and when they thought they were goners, Mr. T brought his cannon. He put milk, Mr. T cereal and gunpowder to the cannon and then fired a cannonball made of pure gold from T's chains. The incredible speed of the gold cannonball hit Silver T and shattered the SCOD, eliminating them and making Silver T useless. Mr. T proceeded to throw Silver T helluva far into the sun and destroy the magnet, retrieving the gold chains back. Newman tried to escape again but Jerry and his friends beat Newman to death. On Newman's tombstone it's written "Newman: Ripped Into Pieces and pitied by Mr. T forever!"
[edit] Early Stabs at Fame
Besides continuing his standup career, with the help of his agent,a man known only as 'Sweet Sugar Cockmangler', Mr. T. began to expand his entertainment resume. He recorded a demo tape one night and somehow it got in the hands of some powerful record executives in Nashville, and later that year the album Merle Haggard and Mr. T Sing the Songs of Hank Williams Sr. went gold and rose to number 14 on the charts.
This early success opened many other doors, and T. was approached by execs at the newly formed Food Network to do a cooking show and by the end of the year, 30 Minute Gagh was a number 1 prime time hit (and holds the record for longest running cooking show). Eager to use his growing celebrity for educational purposes he quickly went to work writing, directing, performing and producing The First Rite of Assention, The Second Rite of Assention and The Third Rite of Assention. It was during this time that T. released his first exercise video, I Pity Those Abs, and his long running game show, Stump the Fool, first went on the air.
[edit] Mr. T the Mega Star
Now that he was an established A-list celebrity, the sky was the limit for Mr. T. He began hosting his emmy award winning late night talk show Late-Nite Jibba-Jabba and began making many influential and famous friends. He was given the lead role in the drama series Suburban Bodybuilder and also in the documentary comedy Two Guys, Mr. T, and a Pizza Place.
Mr. T also wrestled in a triple theat match at Wrestlemania I, where he and Hulk Hogan both powerslammed Andre the Giant who weighed 777 pounds. T then pinned Hogan to become World Heavyweight Champion of wrestling, T still holds that title 25 years later as he has never been defeated in a wrestling ring.
Food Network rewarded T. with a second show on their network, I Pity the Fool Who Don't Like Bloodwine and a second exercise video, Mr. T's All-Star Gold Chain Workout solidified his claim as intergalactic celebrity.
Throughout his career he had appeared in minor roles in motion pictures, such as one of the many vampires in From Dusk Till Dawn. He was killed by George Clooney, who was wielding some sort of gigantic dildo-thing.
[edit] Inventory/Trademarks
Mr. T is helluva tough, so he has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.
- Pity: Mr. T’s most commonly used move. Often used in conjunction with his catchphrase “I pity the fool!”. His pity has been known to on its own be responsible for many of his actions, as he can use his pity to do just about anything he wants. He can pity someone to kill them, he can pity someone to cure them of disease, he even was once seen pitying a shopping trolley which caused it to suddenly drive off down the store and do his groceries. One night Mr.T was drinking quite heavily, mixing up his words ,T mistakingly said "I Pity the Jew", This led to 'what many know today as' the Holocaust..(Hitler being a loyal Mr.T Fan.)The Big Bang is often Attributed to Mr T pitying empty space. Although Mr. T has lots of pity he does not have ENOUGH Pity for us Crazy fools!
- Throwing: As seen in his documented adventures on the entirely factual database Mr. T vs everything, a throw from Mr. T is approximately the equivalent of a roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris. Mr. T can throw people helluva far, and often in slow motion.
- Gold Chains: Mr. T’s gold chains are more then just a fashion accessory; they are an extension of Mr. T himself. His gold chains are amongst, if not the, strongest material in the universe. They have many mysterious miraculous and almost paranormal properties which are unknown to most mortal men, and are part of what is responsible for his superhuman strength as they weigh more than one thousand suns.
- Mohawk: There are many theories as to why Mr. T has his Mohawk. Some think the eighties never left for Mr. T, where as others think that Mr. T’s hair is so scared of him that it all gathered at the top of his head and stood up right in an attempt to get away from him. Of course, if Mr. T just simply likes that hair style, nobody will ever say otherwise if they value their life.
- 1982 GMC Custom Van: His van is helluva fast fool! He ain't getting on no plane! Mr. T's van can go so fast as to defy the laws of time and space, enabling him to traverse the mellenia and dimensions as he wishes. It is also completely indestructible: it was the actual target of the first atomic bomb "Trinity" (unrelated to Neo's loveslut). No material in the universe is known to harm it, and if any did, Mr. T would pity the fool who did it.
- T-Fu: Less commonly known is his personal Martial Art, T-Fu, simply because he very rarely has to use it, since simply pitying fools and throwing people helluva far is usually more than sufficient. No mere mortal living has EVER claimed mastery of T-Fu, and if they tried to, the sheer power would shatter their existence, the equivalent to a tap by Mr. T.
- Video of Pitied Students- Educational video which instructs children to stay in school and to drink as much milk as humanly possible.
Mr.T Pitys the fool who dont re-edit this FOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!
[edit] Musical career
Mr. T in 1984 released a rap album titled Mr. T's Ten Commandments much in the same tone as his 1984 20)
- "A Carton of Milk" (1:32)
- "You Got to Eat Beef" (4:28)
- "Stay Away From My Bins" (7:04)re released by stuart wallace
- "I Ain't a Virgin" (6:27)
- "I Pity The Fools Who Eat Snickers" (0:19)
- "Nutsacks Falling From My Anus" (2:56)
- "I Am Really A Bin Man" (2:45)
- "I'm Black. Get Over It" (1:50)
- "Guns Are Cool" (2:58) made famous by Bell MC
If you point out that there are 13 tracks, Mr. T will administer a severe pitying.
[edit] Teeism
Worship of Mr. T is known as Teeism and followers are known as Teeists. The central belief of Teeists is that Mr. T is wise, righteous and all powerful, while they are only ignorant wretches. Only by acknowledging this ignorance- admitting that they are, in fact, lowly mortal fools- will the all-powerful Mr. T be moved to grant them his pity. The central proof of Teeism is:
Premise 1: I pity the fool who don't listen in RE. Premise 2: You gunna meet my friend Penis. Premise 3: Human folly is universal: we are all fools. Premise 4: RE is for fags. Therefore: Mr. T is God. We are all pitied.
[edit] Mr. T Breakfast Cereal
Starting in Los Angelas, California in the year 1979, during the depression, a startling new product would take breakfast community by storm! In such troubling times Mr. T and his colleague Guteburg discovered they could find sustenance by eating small nuggets of berries Mr. T had hoarded away while in Africa. The idea for Mr. T's Breakfast Cereal was born.
In 1982, hard times were a-coming, and Mr. T's primary markets in America, western Europe, Egypt, the Congo, the Mediterranean, the Yucatan Peninsula, and Belgium grew bored of such a gimmick. The solution was to be found in the sequel to the cereal-- Baraccobama O's. However Baraccobama O's were put out of buisness, after it became a known fact that eating them gave you large ears, buckteeth and aids. The production of both ceased on January 8th, 1987, due to a freak smelting accident, which killed many fools as they exploded into huge mushroom clouds of maggots, who Mr. T pitied massively.
[edit] The Children of Mr. T
Mr. T is rumoured to have fathered 8,456 children, with 55 3/4 different women (one was a midget) [Note: Other suggestions assumed that it was 1/2 a woman but he didn't infact fully "Pity the 1/2 woman's fool" and therefore, there is infact 3/4 of a woman left]. Most of whom grew up looking like him. When they were children, they were routinely forced to listen to Mr. T's rap album, instead of a night time story. Mr T's most famous love child with Hilary Clinton (Long may she reign supreme) is Samuel L Jackson. Many people refuse to belive this statement but the evidence is right in front of everyone. One of T's children is Gary Coleman. When asked for comment, Mr. Coleman replied "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?" Despite genetic evidence, nobody is willing to admit that Sarah Michelle Gellar is Mr. T's lovechild. Ironically, Mr. T. inspired the creation of the 'Buffy' television series by slaying every single dickeating vampire at once with the power of his manliness.
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
- Making up Quotes for Mr. T
- You Are Mighty, a trailer for the upcoming film
