List of Sonic Characters Nobody's Ever Heard Of
This is the list of disciples granted unto Sonic the Hedgehog throughout the ages.
- 1 Amy Rose
- 2 Cream the Rabbit
- 3 Miles "Tails" Prower
- 4 Knuckles The Echidna
- 5 Shadow The Hedgehog
- 6 Chunkie
- 7 Silver The Hedgehog
- 8 Blaze the Cat
- 9 Sally Acorn
- 10 Vector the Crocodile
- 11 Espio the Chameleon
- 12 Yo Mama
- 13 Sir Dr. Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik, PhD, MA, BM
- 14 Chip
- 15 E-123 Omega
- 16 Bark the Polar Bear
- 17 Bean the Dynamite
- 18 Nack the Weasel / Fang the Sniper
- 19 Tikal the Echidna
- 20 Bunnie Rabbot
- 21 Cosmo The Seedrian
- 22 Princess Elise
- 23 Tails Doll
First appearance: Book of the Disk of Compression of Genesis
Amy Rose (aka Rosy the Rascally Rascal) is the stalker that Sonic was cursed with for the blasphemy of Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie. She is skilled in over 400 types of infiltration, including ninja-style and Tom-Cruise-on-a-string-style, is hornier than triceratops in heat and armed with cute looks to boot, the latter being her deadliest weapon. She is also armed with a large hammer than can knock out anybody in a single room. The instant she is shown the slightest bit of weakness, she will pounce and begin the ceremonial virgin-sodomising rites.
After the Book of the Disk of Compression of Genesis, Amy underwent a massive puberty phase, making her the same age as Sonic (to her delight), and drastically changing her clothes and hairstyle. Although many blame this to be a byproduct of one of Dr. Eggman's inventions, Amy claims she had her phase forcefully because of "that bitch Sally". To this day, Amy and Sally constantly argue over who loves Sonic more, explaining his constant disappearance or need for alone-time in many of the cartoons and comics.
Her hobbies include ice-cream, kleptomania, being a damsel in distress, being coupled in fan fictions with every other character under the sun, regardless of gender, officially, or whether or not they're even in the Sonic universe. She is reported as having not been too happy about some of these pairings, having tried most of them out and a lot of them having not worked, as spines generally make for trouble in bed with anyone not adequately protected with several layers of kevlar plating, or a convenient grue.
She is on parole while undergoing trial for constantly violating her 200 yard restraining order against Sonic on 2000 seperate occasions. She is also being charged with sexual assault against Shadow the Hedgehog. Silver has elected not to press charges.
Cream the Rabbit
First Appearance: Book of Heroics
- See Cream the Rabbit. Why does she get her own article? We have no damn clue.
Best character ever, if you have an imagination...NO NOT THAT YOU SICK FUCKS!
Miles "Tails" Prower
First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Tails is Sonic's most dedicated and faithful follower, going with Sonic wherever he goes and protecting him as his personal bodyguard, although he usually has a problem catching up. His duties include tasting his food to check for poison, going through doors first to check they're not booby-trapped, starting his car from 150 feet away in case there's a car bomb, going through swamps ahead of him to check for perverted tentacle monsters, standing on top of a nearby tree during storms to direct lightning away from him and giving fellatio to potential sleeping partners to check for STDs. Despite all of this, Tails continues to be Sonic's friend, even lending him his Tornado airplane to escape from Amy Rose and fangirls.
Tails has developed numerous bad habits off-duty, due to his abusive work life and lack of a caring home. When the authorities find him, he explains, "Sonic made me do it". When they ask Sonic, he says "God made me do it". When they ask God, he says "You got the wrong number, pal" and hangs up. There have also been a number of incidents involving glug-glug, hump-hump, what-do-you-mean-pregnant, and a dash to the border, now let's never speak of them again.
Despite Miles' full name, the top speed he can fly is a mere 15 km/h, resulting in him falling behind Sonic continuously while following him. Many times, this results in Tails getting stuck in pits of doom, in which Sonic realizes Tails is dead when he's 2 kilometers ahead. Luckily, Tails carries an infinite supply of power rings in his tail and reincarnates in some random area of the sky over Sonic, starting the cycle again, goddammit.
Tails was portrayed by Haley Joel Osment until his balls dropped and was no longer cute. The executives have since replaced him with Shia LaBeouf. He still isn't cute, but at least his balls are back to being non-existant. Jonah Bobo is set to replace tehBeef when everyone forgets that he was in Zathura.
Knuckles The Echidna
First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Knuckles (ナックルズ・ザ・エキドゥナ, Nakkurusules za redku duludu, in Japan) is as far from a representation of a real echidna as you can possibly get. He is a red, teenage, anthropomorphic echidna. His first appearance was in Sonic the Hedgehog 3: Return of Zombie Eggman (a sub-section of the book of Sega Genesis). Knuckles is both a close friend and rival of Sonic. His task since birth has been to guard the Master Emerald, which entails keeping it safe from theft, polishing it on a regular basis, supplying it with concubines and assassinating anyone whom the emerald deems "kinda dodgy looking". According to official Sonic Team polls, Knuckles is the fourth most popular character in the series.
He's not especially smart, and has fallen for Eggeman's pathetic tricks so many times now his sanity has been called into question.
Supposedly, he had friends called the Chaotix Hitman Club, but after a recent accident with a batgirl, a thong, dancing potatoes, and some guy named Joe, he has dispersed from his former comrades. Knuckles was portrayed in the Sonic The Hedgehog movie by Vin Diesel. Along with the Megaman movie, this was a low point in Diesel's career.
Like everybody else, Knuckles has had sex with Chunkie. A lot. This may or may not be because of the Master Emerald that he is the guardian of. It can be assumed that Chunkie is trying to tire him out. However due to Knuckles' amazing strength and endurance this has not yet proven possible. Word is he's looking forward to her further attempts.
Shadow The Hedgehog
See Shadow the Hedgehog.
First appearance: Second Book of Dookie
Shadow the Hedgehog is black and red. This is the universal warpaint of all bastards who do not take any bullshit. Just in case though, he also has a gun, and blows up motorbikes in the street.
Shadow was bestowed upon Sonic by the Lord in the second book of adventures to up the emo factor and rake in the cash from fangirls on whom all the anime gods had begun to prey at the time. This was done in a rather sloppy manner, where a vague hedgehog shape was pulled together from black plasticine and a little bit of blood from the veins of anime's remaining integrity, and the resulting plasticiney, bloody mess was thrown at the market like shit to a wall, and it stuck with a similar effectiveness.
Dubbed with the amazingly original moniker of "Shadow", the resulting abomination was unable to feel any sort of emotion other than pure anguish, and much less display said emotion, much to the delight of the fangirls. Scripture is unclear on their exact reaction, but verses 3:10-11 say this of the matter:
"And Shadow the malcontent appeared unto the world, to much mixed reaction. Some cried, some cheered, but most begat noises."
Shadow is the first character in the series to be capable of controlling chaos power, and thus resulted in half the characters introduced after him receiving the same powers as well. Through the Chaos emeralds, he can summon great power or do whatever the hell he wants, as befits The Lord's favourite plaything for the space of roughly fifteen celestial minutes. He still constantly looks for that damn fourth chaos emerald. Typically, he uses his power to get earmuffs when Cream starts talking or to create a donut whenever Yo mama starts to babble on about his eyes being white.
One thing that also caught Shadow's heart was Chunkie. He seems to have had sex with her a lot. In fact Sega's financial records show that sex with Chunkie is apparently the currency Shadow is paid in.
First appearance: Second Book of Dookie
Speaking of Chunkie, she is a professional treasure hunter, secret government agent, make-up artist and strip-dancer. Her attitude makes her appear careless, but she is actually scheming and manipulative. In seven of the ten games she has appeared in to date, Chunkie wears a nasty skintight black body suit with an ugly large pink heart-shaped breast plate and those deformed white thigh-high boots. How she expects not to attract the wrong kind of attention with that kind of junk I have no idea, but it follows that in twelve of the ten games she has appeared in to date (???) she has been raped by Shadow the Hedgehog. In an act of convenience, Sega has made her 18 years of age.
Due to Chunkie's looks, she is considered a fat person and one of the key factors in adolescents of the late 1990s having massive libidos and interest in the Furry culture. Although many dumb parents complained to Sega about Chunkie's appearance, they shrugged it off by removing her cleavage for a few seconds in one episode of the television series Sonic X. This move saved Sega $2.47 in drawing costs, but resulted in a 77-day strike at Sega headquarters started by the creator of Chunkie. To date, the Chunkie character has cost Sega $4.4 million in retroactive pay and damages.
Chunkie likes precious gems, and Sega pays her in them. This could go a long way towards explaining... stuff.
Silver The Hedgehog
First appearance: Book of the Minuscule Screen
Silver was borne of the Lord's attempts to recreate the massive commercial success that followed in the wake of his turn to the emo side, and those that flopped hilariously. The result was a confused, perpeptually disoriented little thing with a big fluffy white thing stuck to his head, and to his chest. At this point, the Lord was beginning to become delirious, and started populating Sonic's promised land with all manner of plagues of characters, until everyone (including the characters themselves) had characters coming out of their ears.
He often appears in conjunction with Blaze, for little to no apparent reason. Silver also has the tendency to work for advertising agencies to create advertisements against Sonic the Hedgehog. All attempts by Silver to promote anti-Sonic advertising, thus far, have failed, and has resulted in him losing jobs with numerous advertising agencies, despite him working at each one for a significant amount of time to gain trust. Due to this, Silver has been involved in 47 lawsuits against these agencies, all of which have failed.
Silver also developed telekinesis, when the Lord got pissed off with him and stripped him the of the ability to masturbate, thus forcing him to improvise. These telekinetic powers allow him to manipulate objects from great distances.
Silver is the defendant in 287 sexual harrassment lawsuits.
Blaze the Cat
This girl is usually seen as one of those fun loving girls from another dimension. She kicks butt. And she's a princess. And she can control fire! Holy crap! It's like I'm making this up on the spot! Blaze got split up from her 'best friend' Silver the Hedgehog in 2006. She left to fight a monster named Iblis and got sent to Sonic's dimension. That's what I thought of - Blaze the Cat!
Okay, let's get serious - Blaze the Cat is a Princess - or a Queen, nobody's quite sure any more - from another dimension. Since she spends all her time participating in various sports events, it's assumed this is more of an honorific title. She has the ability of pyrokinesis, spews flame from her hands and is apparently a pyromaniac. Thanks to her vast wealth, she has many, many sex slaves, including Silver the Hedgehog and no small number of young male fans. For PR purposes, Silver is her 'best friend who follows her around all the time'.
She has been accused repeatedly of arson and sexually harrassing people with massive fireballs, but also thanks to her obscene wealth and army of lawyers these trials tend to end in settlements in the tens of thousands of Rings.
- First Appearance: Book of the Sabbath Morning
Sally Acorn is one of the most stupid characters in the Sonic's old testament, next to Sonic himself, but everybody forgets about her. Why? To this day, top biblical scholars are still debating this question, while trying desperately to remember who it is that everyone keeps forgetting about. She follows along Sonic in an attempt to liberate her forest from Dr. Eggman, but secretly, is attempting to seduce Sonic. On many occasions, Sally has many a time coveted Sonic's assorted bedwarmers/stalkers, and due to an indescretion a number of years back, she was banished from the land forever, to wander from fan fiction to hideous fan fiction in search of consolement, recompense and comfort. When she found what she was looking for it got a big fat fucking zero of what she think is pregency.
Vector the Crocodile
- First appearance: Book of the Thirty-Second Cross
Vector the Crocodile was born of the Lord's attempts to please reptile lovers all over the world. When he (or she) was finished, the Lord said "There, you happy now?". Vector, left with no money and no purpose, went off to begin his detective agency/ band/ drugs ring. Even though Vector wears headphones, he isnt listening to any music ( you ever seen his iPod? ).
Vector has been arrested on several occasions, once when he tried to make a million dollars off the President, and several times on publicly harrassing women. Astonishingly, one of the women pressing charges is Chunkie. When the authorities asked him why he did it, he said "I was told to investigate them!" He also raped Cream the Rabbit.
He is the leader of the Chaotix, and the reason he established that is to make people with brown eyes feel good about themselves and people with different color eyes feel bad. He only lets in people with brown and amber eyes in, and kicked out Mighty because he was wearing contacts. He says that Cream the Rabbit, Charmy Bee, Espio, Little Lulu, Pikachu Satsuki Kusakabe, Vanilla, and himself had the cutest chocolate brown eyes he's ever seen.
Espio the Chameleon
- First appearance: Book of the Thirty-Second Cross
After the shameful arrest of Vector the Crocodile, the reptile lovers got angry again. The Lord, always trying to please the people, created the second reptile. He named him: Espio the Chameleon. Espio was created while the Lord was watching a kung-fu movie. And then the reptile lovers where happy again. But soon after Espio's creation, Espio got into drugs. Not your usual drugs like marijuana or heroin, but drugs like crystal meth and speed. These drugs gave Espio invisibility powers. So once again, the reptile lovers were angry (again). They were angered even further in Espio's three other failed attempts at stardom (oops, did i say three? i meant two).
Espio can turn completely invisible and he has a gigantic yellow horn on his forehead. Curiously, fan-girls pay this attribute less heed than they probably should.
Espio is also one of the few Sonic characters not being charged with some kind of sexual harrassment lawsuit.
- First appearance: First Book of Adventures
Yo mama is a disgusting fat fuck who devours everything in her path. And when she drops a load she makes the whole toilet explode, leaving terror and a very upset janitor.
Sir Dr. Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik, PhD, MA, BM
- First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Sir Dr. Ivo Robotnik, PhD, MA, BM, formally known as Dr. Eggman, is the diabolical protagonist against Sonic during most of his adventures. Created by Satan as a shapeshifting, obese, technological genius to take over the world, his attempts at world domination usually lead to millions of dollars of property damage and the loss of atleast one of his robots. Although a mad scientist, Robotnik lacks the knowledge of common sense, in that he only launches one robot against Sonic rather than his full arsenal. He also has the tendency to create machines for his own use that present weaknesses easily to Sonic and his friends and can be destroyed by being hopped on 7 times.
Although Robotnik has been defeated by Sonic and his friends countless times, he continues to return and wreak havoc on Earth using his one-sided ways. Without a full-time job, Robotnik's income is generated through his various television broadcasts and books such as 'Cooking with 12w40 Oil - By Dr. Ivo Robotnik'.
First appearance: Third Book of Adventures
Last appearance: Third Book of Adventures
The most annoying of the Lord's creations has been shot, beaten, and raped by every person to listen to anything he has said. The Lord was very drunk when he came up with this fucker. His attributes include speech, lymphoma, scraping a fork against a chalkboard, eating, being bugger all to assist and the ability to create choclate bars out of thin air and then shoot them at every one within a 100-mile radius while asking "Want some choclate?". His chocolate related skill proved to be useful during the encounter with an evil monster by the name of "Dark Gaia." He also has a VERY annoying voice, so annoying that Japan delayed the game's release just to find a 5 year old that can drown out 34 year old's 4kids dubbing. He was let into the Chaotix for his cute chocolate brown eyes and six-year-old build to match. He also turns out to be a god of some sort called, "Light Gaia," how he is able to do anything at all other than scrape a fork against a chalkboard, eat, be bugger all to assist and have the ability to create choclate bars out of thin air is a mystery.
“He launched that thing five-hundred metres. Ol' Chippy hit that bastard square in the pupil...”
First appearance: Book of Heroics
A robot with so many different sorts of guns it's ridiculous. He has the most personality of any ofSEGA's characters, but when he becomes a problem to everybody they lock him away forever. Like everybody else, he is attracted to Chunkie, does everything she tells him to, and likes to get an eyeful of her tight ass whenever possible.
He's also Shadow the Hedgehog's prison warden, best friend, bodyguard, and apparent mating partner, which goes to show just how fucked up Shadow really is and doesn't showcase Omega's sanity in the best light either.
His most recent appearances have seen him taking bribes from various characters in the Olympic Games.
Bark the Polar Bear
First appearance: Book of the Warriors
Apparently he's a polar bear, but he wears a scarf and a beanie, which a polar bear really shouldn't need. He also isn't white or particularly bear-looking, but he's a bear, I promise.
Bean the Dynamite
First appearance: Book of the Warriors
Despite the fact that Sonic the Hedgehog is a hedgehog, Cream the Rabbit is a rabbit, and Bark the Polar Bear is supposedly a polar bear, Bean the Dynamite is not actually a stick of dynamite. She's a duck. And actually a guy. Who throws dynamite at people. Which are bombs.
Nack the Weasel / Fang the Sniper
First appearance: Book of the Three Concerns
Some sort of stupid thief with a fedora and a gun.
Tikal the Echidna
First appearance: First Book of Adventures
God was getting a lot of praise when he made Tikal, so he made her look religious and originally named her Mary. But he was watching Pocahontas and visting South America. So when he left the almost-finished creation some mexican guy who turned her into a Dora the Explorerrip-off, so God reasoned with him and made her a South american princess and the village harlot. She is a big bitch.
First appearance: Book of the Sabbath Morning
A Cyber-Rabbit perpetually wearing clown whore makeup, this crime against Nature desperately wants a "one-eyed snake" to take her up the skirt. Unfortunately, her genitals eat people due to being cyber-converted by the Cybermen. Recently, Bunnie made for a special guess star on the Torchwood episode, "Cyberwoman", where she electrocuted Jack and tried to rape Ianto.
Cosmo The Seedrian
First Appearance: Book of the Four Child Cross
Cosmo is a strange plant thing that is a ripoff of Kirlia, a Pokemon. She was violated by Tails on numerous occasions.
First Appearance: Book of Horrors
The very mannish princess that has furry fetishes. Though she had originally tried out for a role in Final Fantasy XXXIX, she was rejected by the heathenous Devil, and the Lord, in his blindness, took her unto his bosom, and set her upon his most trusted servant Sonic. The ensuing chaos and panic led to untold misery and destruction, rivalled only by The Great Fur War. The Lord, upon regaining his infinite wisdom, struck down the beast, and caused an array of events so confusing that it led to the disintegration of the time period in which it was said to occur.
First Appearance: Book of the Pirate's Favorite Letter
If everybody in the entire world is to be believed, this is some kind of demonic plush toy. Where do we think these things up?!
|Sonic the Hedgehog characters|