List of weapons that exist, but shouldn't

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths[edit]

Largely thought to be the work of ex-German soldiers recruited by the Soviets after WWII, The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths are the greatest threat to humanity the world has ever known. Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths open their mouths and shoot bees at unsuspecting intruders, be they burglars, delivery persons, or mother-in-laws. The only way to avoid becoming prey to these vicious canine/apoidean monsters is to stay away from Montgomery Burns' Manor.


A missile that shoots multiple, independent, tactical nuclear missiles. When this ICBM is launched, once it hits the top of it's arc, it splits into multiple, independent, tactical nuclear missiles, that then completely destroy the target country. The UN officially banned this weapon in the 70's because of its multiple, independent, tactical nuclear cheapness.

Axl Rose's voice[edit]

Axl Rose is especially known to use the the ancient ninja-technique known as the skunk-cry: "SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA KNEES KNEES!"

Demonstration of his horrific and mind-boggling powers!

During Operation Desert Strom Axl Rose was kidnapped, tied up, shoved into a tank outfitted with a loudspeaker and he was forced to screech in order to drive out the infidels into the open. This is also the reason why Chinese Democracy, the concept or the album, has never seen the light of day (OK, fine, so the album did, but after 15 years, who really gives a crap?).

In either case, Axl Rose's voice has many other uses, including but not limited to:

  • driving insects and small vermin out of your basement
  • hangover pranks
  • use by CIA operatives who carry a small bottle of it around in order to break glass and/or escape dangerous situations
  • Heh, heh. "Knees".

Kool-Aid Man[edit]

Think about it... you're sitting there minding your own business... then someone yells HEY KOOL-AID!!! next thing you know... BAM!!! property damage... does he pay for it? NO!!! unless OH-YEAH is a legal tender or currency! I can't buy a new goddamned wall with an OH-YEAH!!! and the kids fucking drink outta him for god sake!!! I mean like COME ON!!!!!

Barbra Streisand[edit]

Do I need to say anything else about this?

EV-17 ████████ ████[edit]

Although very little is known about the EV-17 lion man CIA Agent claims the ████████ has the power to engage numerous strippers across the globe. The most important element of the EV-17, is the three part system of █████ █████,and ████, which has potential for unknown ████████ in a ratio which ranges from █-to-█.

The Blue Screen of Death[edit]

Far too traumatizing to be actually viewed, this replica accurately depicts the horrors of Microsoftery...

The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:

Extendable Cattle Prod Nightstick[edit]

“Ah, that's abit harsh ain't it?”

~ Hitler on Getting shocked by an extendable cattle prod nightstick

Nightsticks hurt when hit with, cattle prods hurt when poked with. Combining the two, may be the most evil idea ever to be come up with by modern man.


Cheese is the fabled weapon of the gods. Cheese supposedly has the same chemical composition of euphoria (PiE). It is well know that Popeye the Sailor Man abused this substance during the great spinach famine. It also is rumored to be able to summon Bob. Fear it and its capabilities. Also, there was an infestation during the Cold War, wherein the Russians launched swiss at the Us and permanently damaged our lives.


(Because the reference of them is mandatory)

The Euroipods article is so bad, that in order to survive just from looking at it, one has to

a) pry their eyeballs from their sockets
b) reffer freinds to do the same

Goatse Man[edit]

Goatse man has two powerful lasers that he carries around. when he finds a victim, he distracts them by giving them a link to his webpage. While the hapless victim is busy reading the hilariously cunning humor section of the site, Goatse Man sneaks around and burns their eyes out. Truly Goatse Man is a powerful force for evil. It remains to be seen if, in the right hands (or the right hands in him), he could be a force for good.

And behind Goatseman are the Goats....evil incarnate. Further details of one, arguably biased, view on the evil of Goats is at:

Horn Book[edit]

Horn Books are still used as a method of torture, but they can be tortured themselves? Why?

Incredibly Hot Anime Girls[edit]

Yes, even web browsers.

In the year 1337 BC, the United Spades of Amerika began research on a way to make nerds incredibly happy!

Upon seeing this on the internet or something, you will become infatuated with Anime girls. (I wish I could see her boobs...)Since anime girls are anime and therefore are god, you will like, totally become a Super Uber nerd and/or fanboy. Specially engineered to love anime, can also turn the victims into a furry. Oh, the humanity!


lawl l337spek ruls man y dnt u luv it 2!!!! it like the nly tihng dat u can tpye al daywen ur plaing gmes on the net man!! kthxbai (7h47 15n7 1337 5p34k y0u [un7.)

Translation: Leetspeak stinks and people should shoot anyone using it on sight. Unfortunately, the people using it are usually on the other end of a very long cyberspace connection passing through World of Warcraft, and you can't usually see them. However, one can still kill their pitiful characters, causing them to cry, explode, contract Typhoid Fever, turn into homicidal maniacs, or create another character in an attempt to retrieve their shattered dignity.

Jon Voight[edit]

The Crocodile Hunter: "Just look at those teeth, made for tearing the flesh off of human bones! Lets go in closer for a better look mates!"

Jon Voight, son of the inventor of Voight basketballs (unrelated to Voit basketballs) was tragically mutated in the year 1953 AD causing him to invade Hollywood and put out a horrible movie every 2 years, and also led him to work with fellow spawn of Satan, Shia LaBoeuf in Holes, causing a mass mindwashing of America's youth to think that Louis Sachar's works are readable (especially Wayside School is Falling Down...)

On the other hand he was the sperm donor for Angelina Jolie, one of the few women that make everyone else around them ugly... So, in reality it's a lose/win situation...

Marguerite Perrin[edit]

Screaming about "Gaggles" and "dorksided" things, this is quite possibly the most nasty weapon ever known to man.

This weapon is way more powerful and nasty than Simon Cowell himself. U.S. army officials estimate that it will end The War Against Terror (TWAT) and all current wars on the planet with her yelling, appearance and personality. It was put on the Fox show Trading Spouses to test the effects and side effects on it's viewers, but the results were deadly:

100% of Fox viewers were found dead (although this has not been offered as evidence since the same thing happens when an episode of Arrested Development is watched)

response to Disney.

It was effective, but maybe TOO effective for any human to handle. The U.S. Congress forced the army to shutdown the current project and put her on storage in the bottomless pit to prevent Marguerite Perrin (nicknamed Godzilla) from escaping.

My wife's cooking[edit]

Talk about "cruel and unusual punishment". Emeril, she ain't.

Simon Cowell[edit]

A product of genetic engineering by the British, this human weapon was first conceived in order to attack the enemies emotionally. It will insult anyone with bad talent causing its morale to go way down and leave them vulnerable for an attack which causes MASSIVE DAMAGE and Extreme Sarcasm.

It was transferred to the United States of America for further testing on it's people and was put on the show American Idol as a judge. After years of testing, the results were shown:

  • 80% was disappointed
  • 50% were HAPPY
  • 30% was angry
  • 5% was crying
  • 4% made it to the show, but were not the top 12
  • 1% were winners of the show
  • 100% became gay with each other

If Simon Cowell gets another job outside of American Idol, you better watch out because you're next on the list.

if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass you would have a diamond in 2 weeks.

Soviet dogs with mines on their back[edit]

Trained by the commies with the intention of asploding clinically morbidly obese people. Some food (The fattie was restrained to make sure he did not eat the food) was placed underneath the fattie. The dog was trained to look under the fatties for food. This was a complete failure, as they were trained to run under the Russian fatties - When the dogs were on the field, they ran under the Russian fattos.

With all due respect, these have been taken off your selves by the kind Jockeys from the sky.

This Guy[edit]

Scary man made me cry like a friggin' baby earlier...

This Guy is extremely scary and if I ever crossed him in the middle of nowhere... or possibly the woods... I wouldn't ask him for directions... I would merely piss myself and run (and I'm willing to wager 1.5 million Canadien dollars(Which converts roughly into .03 American Dollars) that you would do the same...)

In fact, the hulk once saw this guy and crapped himself! How could someone have pecs this size!? This Guy was a secret prototype project masterminded by the great scientist God. He is the ultimate killing machine, running solely on the spirits of kittens and Spam with cherry sauce drizzled over the top and pineapple slices... yum.

His body was created in a facility somewhere north of San Diego but his enormous baycles were the product of a Pamela Anderson fixation (some say it was actually Tommy Lee, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt...) that ran amok...

May God have mercy on our souls if he ever gets loose...

looks like this guy is trying to make up for something...

TOGO Coasters[edit]

wtf? If you can figure this out I'll give you 1.5 million American dollars. see article above... it's take one get one, isn't it? - Rasputen


These horrible virtual weapons, extend their grip into the physical realm. By silently capturing intelligent, creative people in their internet clutches, these user updatable data constructs force their enslaved symbiotes to weave additional layers of intrigue and editability to contain the next round of hapless eggheads.

A wiki is created by enslaving a system administrator, who is foolish enough to be subverted by a non-existent software process. The system admin purchases a digital bed for the wiki to be created, and then proceeds to meld together the magical elements of clock-gated life. At that point, the wiki is still just a fledgling vanity web page, albeit a sophisticated site with much dynamic potential. It isn't until the alpha-dupe spends real world time and energy contacting other human beings to participate in it's mind-trap, that the wiki emerges from it's cocoon.

The wiki attracts its prey by seizing and presenting the humorous, factual, or bigoted catalogs of the previous acquisitions. By capturing more and more victims, the wiki actually increases it's ability to capture more drones.

Wikis are usually formed along intellectual boundaries, such as the desire to catalog knowledge, or the desire to make yourself laugh, or the desire to believe that your group is superior to other groups. Captured humans from opposing wikis, often participate in trying to destroy the opposing wiki's credibility. Ironically, in this process, the wiki's share mind-slaves, and both become even more powerful.

Although the more insidious wikis have been created with the soul purpose of enslaving and manipulating pale skinned insocialites, a vast majorities of wikis prey upon their creators.


Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, Ted Kennedy, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!

Barrett M82 sniper rifle[edit]

And now you can see why your foes laugh.

A weapon that makes people think they can take on Chuck Norris, often with disastrous results. Chuck Norris, having deflected the bullet, then goes on to kill everyone within a 10 light-year radius. He then takes a nap on the sun(this situation is impossible since chuck norris doesn't sleep he waits) , and eats Cheez-Its. anyone trying to take his Cheez-Its instantly dies by roundhouse related injuries. Get your own box.

On a more realistic note, it looks rediculous! all of its proportions are way out and foes who see you with it are likely to laugh rather than run from your .50 BMG leathality...which actualy may be an advantage if you are forced to use it up close. supposedly almost the same as the M107 which looks compleatly different (it dosen't look gay).

Gay bomb[edit]

A bomb that was researched by the US Army, though never developed. It would contain a chemical that, when released into the air, would cause intense homosexual arousal in targets. No such chemical (except banana rum) was ever discovered, so the idea was dropped.


A weapon designed to fling human being to great heights. Patented.

Antti Tuisku[edit]

A Finnish singer who is more dangerous than any weapon known to man. Existence confirmed by the Finnish Uncyclopedia ( Hikipedia ).



Another Finnish singer who is even more dangerous than Antti Tuisku. Existence confirmed by the Finnish Uncyclopedia. Link to article

Contrary to popular belief Lordi's voice and lyrics are harmless, and often liked by old people. What makes Lordi REALLY dangerous is that he can be used to freeze the Hell as seen in 2006. This massive catastrophy led eventually to Satan's surrender, giving Lordi yet another reason to sing "Devil's a loser and he's my bitch". For more information of Lordi and his formidable powers, see this article

George Bush[edit]

The ultimate evil...


Rehidrates, refules, and replinishes gayness.

Warning may be Finnish.

Windows Vista[edit]

Main article: Windows Vista


Main article: C-3PO

pee pee... PEE PEE VAGINA!

Your Mother[edit]

Everyone knows that mothers can be used as incredibly potent weapons, especially teenage mothers. Considering they're teenage mothers, they're nipples are probably always razor sharp, and they can be used as weapons themselfes!

THIS IS THE CATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only currently known weapon that can counter yo mamma is the yo mamma joke. This is a very common weapon and is easily used, espeacilly by black comedians, which are becoming increasingly common. Therefore, the yo mamma weapon has a very high probability of backfire. Just imagine: cornered, you pull out the oponent's mother, and all the whales start singing "we are family": you'd be annhilated! (that's pronounced an-eye-al-ate-ed)

Dr. Phil[edit]

Single handedly attributed with more than seventeen million wrecked families, Dr. Phil is a weapon that will eat your heart and spew it back to you in a digested, subservient form that will appreciate bad music and George W Bush. Do you want this to happen to you?

On rare occasions, Dr. Phil has been known to eat small children, or to cause permanent Heart Failure that doesn't kill.

Knife filled with gunpowder[edit]

A completely benign weapon with an unknown purpose. Invented by scientists in an attempt to make a knife filled with bombs. It's only special use seems to be lighting itself on fire, but with a weapon as short as a knife, you'll probably burn your hand.

Note -- not to be confused with a roman candle or a sparkler. This is not a patriotic toy.

Cat Grenade[edit]

Cat-Grenade with a live grenade shoved in its mouth. The last thing you will see before you die.

Simply a cat thrown at someone's face, easily obtained by any would be terrorist, do not underestimate the face mauling eye gouging powers of this simple yet brutally effective weapon.

Even more effective when a live grenade is shoved in the cat-grenade's mouth right before throwing it, when it finishes mauling its target the grenade will soon explode causing massive damage.

Chuck Norris[edit]

Where is your god now?

Chuck Norris' power is so great his most powerful 100% adrenaline enhanced round-house kick could easily destroy life the universe and everything including time itself and alternate dimesions except for Andy Law, the end to all ends. This is why he should not exist. -whoever put this here is now doomed-

Dinner blaster[edit]

The king of hyrule's grand weapon fires out snorlaxes [2]. there have been upgrades such as dinner blaster 2 [3] . Please note that Elmo used this to kill Barney Jackson. 180px-Harkinian.jpg

Lily Allen[edit]

First encountered in the 1940s around the Moors, this beast is capable of driving everyone to a murderous rage by simply "singing". Enough said. This is now a moot point, as she has retired from making records. She cites illegal file sharing as the reason for this, going on to explain that file sharing is why her records don't go on to make huge sales. Oddly, she failed to see her interminable mockney whine as the reason for the lack lustre sales figures.

Dihydrogen Monoxide[edit]


Often known as hydroxyl acid it is a key component in acid rain, and when ingested in large quantities it leads to cells within a human body bursting! This can cause an extreme case of epic destruction! It can also prevent gaseous exchange causing a mild case of death. It is found in tumours and traces of the chemical are still present even after washing!! This chemical is real people! If utilized it could destroy us all! Despite what cynics say it is on of the most common chemicals on earth! It has to be stopped!

some may say it is harmless, essential to life even. people who say this use the name "water"


This man (see youtube and google) is a weapon of mass stupidity and causes mass-irrational-belief-in-absolutely everything or epic madness. <-- proof of insanity -->

Satans Stargate (LHC)[edit]

The LHC (Large Hadron Collider) is a machine built for one purpose, to send electromagnetic energy into the Van Allen belt breaking it, to allow Satan's armies from Nibiru to access Earth and fight off Jesus at armageddon. Simple.


This deadly weapon was first made by American Scientists trying to create a weapon for use on crowds at sports games like the Super Bowl and competitive hot dog eating. When activated, this weapon fires a volley of invisibles streams of lasers. Upon contact with the target, it makes time travel forward for the affected individual at rate of 60 seconds per minute, 60 minutes per hour, or 24 hours per day depending on settings. When first used at a Boston Red Sox baseball celebration, it misfired. The misfire hit a fellow law enforcement agent, at which then he proceeded to crowd control at a rate of speed so fast, someone’s eyes asploded, and it was later blamed on a “non-lethal” pepper gun. After this incident all prototypes were destroyed and all scientists vowed to never again make a weapon of such caliber. Looking down the barrel of a log

All previous people who edited this Lifes[edit]

Every one hates it. seriously.


Some one really needs to stop it, SERIOUSLY!

only Al Gore can stop him.

See also[edit]