Listcruft
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“I said many things about this subject.”
~ Oscar Wilde on listcruft
“Wouldn't it be funny to list them all?”
~ Oscar Wilde on listcruft
“I especially love being quoted by people who have never heard of me!”
~ Oscar Wilde on listcruft
Listcruft is an ancient Japanese process for writing an extremely funny article. Before delving directly into listcruft, however, there are a few important things a listcruft article needs to get out of the way.
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[edit] Important features of a listcruft article
- Be sure to mention when your subject was invented. In this case, listcruft was invented in 92 trillion B.C. by Steve Ballmer.
- A good listcruft article will feature a poorly-designed picture with no relation to its subject.
Teh listcruft man!
- Acknowledge the evil nature of your subject. Here, listcruft tricked Satan into huffing some kittens. Isn't that evil?
- Make at least one reference to the penis, pedophilia, and/or homosexuality. Listcruft, it might interest you to know, was forged from a homosexual pedophile's penis.
- This is also a good time to insert a reference to Cajek; bonus points if you imply that Cajek is gay. This is easy to do in the listcruft article, because listcruft and Cajek live together in a studio apartment in San Francisco.
- Talk about how your subject would function in Soviet Russia. For example, while in the United States of America, listcruft is the process by which people write lists, in Soviet Russia, listcruft is the process by which lists write people. Ain't that zany?
- Don't forget to describe the outcome of a battle between the article's subject and Chuck Norris!! Did listcruft roundhouse-kick Chuck Norris, or did Chuck Norris roundhouse-kick listcruft? You decide: both outcomes are hilarious.
[edit] People who enjoy listcruft articles
- Tina Fey
- Mr. T
- Chuck Norris
- Steve Ballmer
- Barney
- MY SON JON IS A COOL GUY
- Category:Lists
- Kitten huffing
- I HATE THAT GAY GUY JAMES!!!
- AAAAAAAAA!
[edit] The Ten Commandments of listcruft
The only requirement of a Ten Commandments list in a listcruft article is that there be more than ten.
- Thou shalt write listcruft.
- Thou shalt have no listcruft before me.
- Honor thy list and thy cruft.
- Thou shalt transpose the "e" and the "h" in "the".
- THOU SHALT HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
- Thou shalt believe that our education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa.
- Gondola of Death
- Thou shalt not consider what Oscar Wilde might actually say when quoting him.
- Thou shalt log in anonymously and add something stupid to this list.
- Thou shalt never remove cruft from any list.
- tho shall fuck you!!!mothrfucka!!@!
- Thou shalt Fucking Kill.
- Thou shalt write one-sentence articles about the video game currently in your Playstation.
- Thou shalt Kill Fucking.
[edit] Types of listcruft
- Fancruft (salted only)
- Animecruft (use only the red kind - throw away if too green)
- Webcruft
- Bandcruft (preferably thawed)
- Bookcruft (this should be let to sit for several days)
- Moviecruft (stir in with onions)
- Ninjacruft
- Schoolcruft (finely sliced)
- Spamcruft (the tinned kind is better)
- Tabloidcruft
