Liz Windsor

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“God save me dum de dum, Long live me dum de dum”

“I command a performance by Alicia Keys

~ QEII

“I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, Your Majesty

“She reeks of paraffin, that woman. Reeks of it. That's why you're not allowed to smoke in her presence.”

~ Paul Merton on The Queen

“The Queen has reportedly become quite the trickster - hoisting pales of water above doorways, sending dog-turds to the first-minister of Scotland by mail, snipping the brakes on Diana's car....”

~ BBC reporter on the Queen
Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom, Empress of Canada, Grand Sheila of Australia, Most Merciful Pasha of Yorkshire
40866200 smith1 220getty.jpg
Liz waves to the crowd.
Reign 643 - incumbent
Born 1909
A palacee
Died Never! She shall be planted in a robo-suit for all posterity to rule till the year 229743!
See above.
Predecessor King George VI
Successor Prince Charles
Consort Prince Philip the Asshole
Issue Issues with Princess Diana (Dodi Al-Fayed)
Father George VI
Mother The Queen Moth, they're still having trouble keeping her out of people's sock drawers, even after the old fly is dead.
Bouncywikilogo8.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Liz Windsor.

Liz Windsor, aka Frau Battenberg, officially known as Divine Proctor of the GuggenshitTM, is Elton John! the person most often cited as the inventor of the cat flap.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

As a Queen of Britannia Liz's main duty consists of defending Britannia from attack by Infidels and crushing rebellions by the English, Scottish, Irish and Americans. She is the daughter of Queen Victoria and the great-grandaughter of King Henry VIII as well as being related to most of the other famous monarchs. If you live anywhere in the commonwealth, all your base are technically belong to her. She is the sequel to Elizabeth I. She lives in Buckingham Palace and travels the country running errands and carrying out general defence duties on her trusty battle horse, Terrance. She enjoys playing cricket and speaking German with a quaint English accent - which she probably invented.

Frau Liz is also Queen of other countries, nations, territories, dependencies, cul-de-sacs and the planet Vulcan. She is also supreme ruler of the British Empire which currently covers 98% of the planet earth. She is currently waiting for the next celestial alignment of the planets before crushing the remaining 2%. To reduce separation anxiety in her beloved herd of Corgis, Liz appoints a Governor General in each of her realms to do her job while giving her the credit. Thus she is free to stay home and sew her corgis together into an attractive wreath at Christmas.

Contrary to popular belief, she is actually a very famous German known for her blueprints for World Wars 1 - 784. Unknown to Uncyclopedia n00bs, she is also one of the Famous Four that founded Uncyclopedia, besides Oscar Wilde, Darkwing Duck, Billy Crystal and Sephiroth. Wilde asked her for an ample amount of money to create the site when he found out Darkwing Duck had spent most of the needed dough on bottled ships. The Queen gave him everything he asked for, including a little bonus "for himself" as she is a Wilde fan, and even reassured him that he owes no money to the British colony as long as she is credited for the effort. She remains unaccredited to this day.

The Queen's Secret Drug Cartel[edit]

Little known facts:

What is the common link between Frau Battenburg, her Venetian Banker Friends, the Bushes, and the Neo-Conservatives are still involved in the drug trade begun a century ago to subjugate China? They were all born on September 1st! Weird, huh?

Did you know that Queen Liz gets most of her money from the US Federal Reserve? Even though she's a shiksa? Weird or what?

Did you know that she is secretly a follower of David Hume (invented absolute monarchy), Thomas Malthus (invented famine), Francis Galton (invented Racism), and Baron von Ribbentrop (invented penguins). Oh, so you knew that did you?

Then did you know she is actually a shape-shifting reptilian from another dimension? Huh! Caught you out there!... that is exactly the truth.

But fear not, because this coming/going 2008, Democratic presidential candidate, Philosopher, Mathematician, and welfare advocate Lyndon LaRouche is promising actually use your money constructively and WIN this time, honest! Even if you don't live in the US! What do you mean, the Queen doesn't live in the US?

The Queen's Message to the Commonwealth 2004. What you didn't hear[edit]

As many of you are probably aware, on Christmas Day it is the Queen's annual duty to give a short speech to the nation. However what you may not be aware of is what we actually see and hear is not actually live but an edited transcript that is the end of a very long process of editing and reshooting.

However, a secret tape has been passed on, with the full unedited broadcast on it. I think it makes the Queen just that bit more wonderful, don't you?

 "Yo dudes, dis am Bessie in da big 'ouse biggin' it up for da baubles an da tinsel..."
 "Your Majesty?"
 "no?"
 "Erm..not quite SO informal, perhaps?"
 "I'm not sorry?"
 "Can we do it again without the argot?"
 "Well William and Barry thought it would help me communicate with the young. 
 It's how they all talk apparently."
 "Yes, but some people might consider it inappropriate for a monarch,even if you are a stone old bitch . 
 Can you start again with a bit more authority?"
 "I suppose so, if you think it's right."
 

EDIT POINT 2 MINUTES LATER

 "Ok, and Cue."
 "Allright then, john? Got a new motor? Now the rest of you unworthy bastards, 
 I'm the fucking Queen right, so listen up sharpish, cos I don't take no shit right? 
 Now I've been called from the fuckin' sherry cabinet to talk down to you cringing wasters,
 so make the best of it."
 "Your Majesty?"
 "Right now all you turds who voted to abolish foxhunting...."
 "Your Majesty?"
 "Now what?!! You said I should assert some authority."
 "Yes, but can we do it without so much obvious contempt. 
 Can we not do it as we do it every other year?"
 "You mean all gentle and cosy?"
 "Yes, that's right."
 "(Sigh) And I so wanted to boost the ratings as well. Very well."
 

EDIT POINT 5 MINUTES LATER

 "Ok, and cue..." 
 "The time has come around once again for me to sit in front of some seasonal greetings cards
 and reflect on the events of the past year. This has indeed been a memorable year. 
 It has seen many contradictory and often perplexing occurrences, some happy, some not so happy. 
 Amongst the latter, one has to include the recently passed ban on Foxhunting by that spoilsport 
 Blair and his trendy townies who know as much about the Countryside as I do. 
 What right have these do-gooding rodent sympathisers have to impose their views on us decent people?
 I mean what a complete and utter fucking waste of time. 
 What is wrong with giving old Basil a bash up the brush every now and again? 
 The population has to be controlled, so why shouldn't we have fun while we're doing it? 
 They love the exercise, it's good for them..."
 "Get off the fox-hunting!! Get off the fox-hunting!!"
 "Well, we may be slightly disengenuous in our claims, after all prior to the Napoleonic Wars 
 we would import the furry little buggers from France to keep the population up. 
 But that is not the point, the point is...."

EDIT POINT 20 MINUTE RANT ABOUT FOXES NOT SUITABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION.

 "One of the big highlights for me this year was our tour of the inner cities. 
 I have particularly happy memories of the time Philip, William, Harry and I toured Brixton. 
 I was a little anxious about being there, after all one doesn't have much contact with darkies 
 in my line of work, but William assured me that his grasp of darkie lingo would see us through. 
 It seemed to cause great amusement all round when he stepped into the waiting crowds and said: 
 "Yo, Niggaz!! Biggin it up for da Brixton Crew!!" Meantime Harry went off to "score" something. 
 He seems to be very musical, always off scoring something or other. 
 It seems he's writing a piece called "Crack" at the moment and knew somebody who could help him out
 with the more intricate side of things. He came back very excited indeed, talking about being attacked 
 by velvet butterflies. Such a funny chap. Philip was more interested in whether the natives still 
 ate each other or not. On the whole a very good time was had. By us, anyway."

TRANSCRIPT ENDS

Achievements[edit]

  • The Queen is Lady of the Swans, meaning she can Summon an army of Swans AT WILL to do her bidding.
  • According to Reuters, the Queen has 10 times the lifespan of workers and lays up to 2,000 eggs a day.
  • The Queen likes all people!-(Except for Diana, Princess of Wales, and Dodi Al-Fayed!)
  • Starred in movie "The Queen" as Helen Mirren.
  • She has the high score on Halo 3
  • Is currently taking lessons from Rocky Balboa in how to be a good Auto-Bot
  • Yesterday she shot at an Iraqi helicopter.
  • During WWII she took an active role in many operations. She flew against Spitfires in the Battle of Britannia Superior (against a combined force of Picts and Angles), achieving over 25 kills and became known as the Winged Witch of Windsor by her spawn, she stopped after her favourite hat got damaged during a dogfight. After that she drove tanks in North Africa, as part of Erwin Rommell's Afrika Korp, but again had to stop due to another one of her splendid hats getting in the way of the other crew members. She ended the war fixing lorries and siphoning off the petrol to sell on the Black Market. Luckily no hats were damaged this time.
  • Last week she got stuck in a childs playhouse
  • She holds the world record for the most time spent sitting
  • She also holds the world record for spitting winkles!
  • She has a daughter named Gabby Parker
  • She has started a robotics project and it is called Matthew Tasker V2
  • Yesterday she shot down an Arabien helicopter
  • Her Containner Lowness gives honour medals to honor England, toads and chodes.
  • She is the Mistress of England in US of K (USK) (really UKS)
  • Drunk a pint of brown ale in under 7 seconds
  • She invented the roundhouse kick which Chuck Norris stole
  • She is the first ever person to live to the age of 489 years
  • She is the owner of the Runescape account Zezima!
  • she works in a strippers club ( the same one as lady gaga did )
  • She designed her own customised vibrater now on sale for £6.99 in poundstrecher argo wilkinsons u get waa i mean
  • she flicked her pubes at a girl ( like someone we know)
  • david dickingson asked her to go on antiques roadshow but they agreed she couldnt sell anything but herself
  • she is the only person ever thats known not to fart
  • she had anal sex with a waiter
  • she discovered the vulnerable part of the death star
  • longest running Page 3 girl

Awards[edit]

  • Miss Great Britain 1904
  • Miss Great Britain 1935 - Stolen a year later by Hitler.
  • Miss World 2008
  • Gloucester Cheese Race Winner: 1893, 1970, 1994. Runner Up: Every year (except 1893, 1970, 1994).
  • Oscar for her perfomance in the film the Queen
  • Most loved briton ever
  • Person who appears on the most pictures
  • Potentually the most powerful woman in the world
  • Worlds greatest land owner
  • Richest person in the world to live in free acomodation provided by the government
  • The person receving the most benifits
  • Most attractive person to ever appear on a spoon or mug
  • The person who appears on the most currency
  • 3rd place in the Buckingham Palace annual fancy dress party as a hula-girl

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
None
Line of Succession to the British Throne
Succeeded by:
HRH The Prince of Wales (Prince William)