Lobster Jesus

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General Info[edit]

The little known Lobster Jesus was a certain red lobster born in Gray, Maine on December 25, 1991. As an ordinary lobster to which Mary has given birth to, few could have forseen that boiling hot water would be a divine intervention to awaken his senses and bring him to true life. And they didn't. For this reason Lobster Jesus is considered a reject by other Jesus'. Despite this, he worked as a manager for a certain Bob Dole's Hardware Supply upon realising he wanted to make a workout video. This was not the sort of divine revelation and given Jesus is supposed to have, but it was a good workout video nonetheless.

The Almighty Lobster Jesus before crucifixion and death: You know how lobsters "scream", though it's actually just the steam in the shell destroying the musical tendons or whatever there is to destroy? Well, Lobster Jesus Really screamed. That was how we knew they were different.

Commander Data[edit]

Apparently Lobster Jesus dies once a year though as a reject Jesus he is widely believed to merely hibernate for a time. Since his incarnate form began in 1991, he 'died' while being crucified by the hell-bound Oysters once a year for the sake of all crushedasians only to come back out three days later.

Satan Shrimp: Lobster Jesus' Worst Enemy[edit]

Satan Shrimp is one of the worst, most unfunny things to exist in the Realm of the Lizard Kings.

He, though, had quite a hilarious childhood.

Satan Shrimp was born Satanicus Unfunnius Shrimp in ancient Rome in about 1000 BC. Growing up slowly as the weakling of the class, he was never to make it to complete stardom as a gladiator. Lobster Jesus, born Ranificus Greatius Lobster, got the title instead. This made him angry.

You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

He died at seven years old. He didn't deserve to go to Heaven, God said. He let Ranificus in instead. This made Satanicus even angrier and he, now dead, sought to overthrow Satan and take over Hell himself. He succeeded. And now he has a personal vendetta against Lobster Jesus.

Satan Shrimp, near a mirror.

Random Facts About Lobster Jesus[edit]

  • Pilgrimage involves being blindfolded and letting only the light of Lobster Jesus guide your way. This means no walking sticks, seeing-eye dogs, or non-believing friends. Anyone who survives like this for seven years is truly blessed by Lobster Jesus. Wimpier believers can make a pilgrimage to Maine, Lobster Jesus's home state. Bonus if you bomb a seafood restaurant.
There are many differences between an average lobster and Lobster Jesus.
  • Remember kids, eat oysters, not lobsters!
  • Rumor has it, Lobster Jesus was once an oyster.
  • Rumor ALSO has it that Lobster Jesus bought advertising space from Jesus In Your Cup.
  • Lobster Jesus says that he only left Bright Red Paper because "It was time for me to die again. I couldn't help it. They always had a problem with me dying on Christmas every year."
  • Lobster Jesus studied Deer-Stroking at NYU.