The lobstermoose, or Makinupi forsomethingus, being a fusion of lobster and moose, resembles a mix of both its parents. The average lobstermoose is 6 feet tall at the shoulders, and about 7 feet long excluding the 4 foot tail. All three genders are equipped with large, dangerous antlers used primarily for disemboweling every living thing that crosses their path. The creature is also equipped with large claws, 8-12 inches in diameter. These are used for chopping off people's heads. Like a centaur, the lobstermoose has a four legged body supporting a more upright torso where the head and arms attach, similarly, the lobstermoose is a hoofed animal. The lobstermoose is well protected by a thick and heavy bright red natural armor. Strangely; the beasts have neither a male or female - natural selection seemingly wanting it dead. This has been the butt of many a joke in the biology world: "humorously" the creature was given its latin name (Makinupi forsomethingus) by a group of elderly British scholars, promptly executed by the U.S army - who thought that the joke was on them.
Origins of the Lobstermoose
The Oscar Mayer® corporation originally created lobstermoose as a new form of luncheon meat, by fusing together the extracted DNA of mooses and lobsters in a vat of Dr Pepper. Indeed, the end result of this monstrous Frankensteinian experiment turned out to be quite delicious; however, it was not long before many of the mighty beasts had escaped from their factory farms and began rampaging the countryside. According to Oscar Mayer, they chose to fuse together the moose and lobster purely based on their deliciousness, and the fact that these animals are two of the leading causes of death is completely coincidental, and that they were not attempting to manufacture a deadly army and enslave China.
Northern Canada and Ireland, as well as the moon and some of Eurasia. South Orange County is also full of them, as is Adolph Hitler's small intestinal tract.
The Lobstermoose's effect on the Environment
The lobstermoose is an invasive species destroying much of southeastern China's natural ecosystem. Originally created in a lab as food-stuff, the lobstermoose's high reproduction rate is threatening the habitat of many native species, such as the Chinese flying sloth, an endangered species which lives nowhere in the world.
On February 14 2006 a rampaging lobstermoose mutilated and consumed several babies in a orphanage in Cambodia. This marks the 16th lobstermoose related death in the last month. The first came in Xinhualongdongyaoming City, China. The Chinese were working towards outfitting a fleet of Lead Zeppelins to drop lobstermeese into the tropical jungles of Tibet to suppress a rebellion. They were working on the finishing touches when their clumps of 666 lobstermeese broke free and leveled the commercial district of Xinhualongdongyaoming City.
The clumps spread like wild fire across Euthanasia. No reliable casualty count but there have been reports in the high millions. Further updates as we have them.
While the lobstermoose is usually strictly vegetarian, they have been known to devour those accidentally intruding on the beasts during their annual spawning ritual each fall. Incidentally, this has been known to make them even more aroused than usual.
Lobstermeese live in large family groups, or clumps, often ranging from 20-500 members, however, during the mating season, many herds can come together creating one large continuous orgy of several thousand animals. Poon juice, a foul smelling liquid which tastes oddly of prunes, is released during this ritual. A number of small Chinese villages have been reported to have been flooded and destroyed by "typoons", or large waves of poon juice.
It is a proven fact that all Lobstermeeses are trisexual.
The eggs of the lobstermoose are laid and fertilized during spawning, and left to incubate in large puddles of warm poon. The larvae hatch after 2-3 weeks and spend their first two months of life in the poon, eventually growing the hooves, claws, and antlers that make it such a deadly creature. The fully formed, yet tiny lobstermooseling calf will become a full adult at one year of age. The natural lifespan of the lobstermoose is still under debate, though many believe them to be immortal.
Lobstermoose hunting has become a popular, yet dangerous sport. Eighty percent of all hunts result in the disembowelment of the "hunter", making moosemeat an expensive delicacy. The most successful method is to shoot at the animal from afar using a laser beam, as the lobstermoose's natural armor has a +15 against all piercing, smashing, and inflatable weapons, it is however soulbound and can never be truly killed.
Cooking With Lobstermeese
A lobstermoose, once processed into mighty slabs of meat, can be used to make a number of popular dishes: