Loch Ness Monster

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“I need about tree fiddy”

~ Loch Ness Monster on asking Mrs. and Mr. Chef for money

“It's a Phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsman's sex drive, lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute

~ Sigmund Freud on Nessies significance in Scotland's Psyche

“The Loch Ness Monster is a monster? I thought it was some kind of guinea pig.”

~ Captian Oblivious on the Loch Ness Monster
Loch was fined £383.29 for indecent exposure after his frequent flashings were captured on film.

The Loch Ness Monster is not only a giant crustacean from the Palaeolithic Era (now it is high time to consider whether the Loch Ness Monster is a living creature, like Hydra or Godzilla, or a myth, like tall Asians.), but is also a trap devised by highlanders to lure thick American/Canadian tourists. It lives in only one part of the world, which is in your imagination Inverness, Scotland. It does have a mating colony on Pluto which the beast "frequents" from time to time (Note: beware the Scot who offers to take you to Pluto via Syringe 'mind travel' as the needles could be dirty and you will probably get bummed).

It is capable of producing long chains of polysaccharides and known for its long list of enemies including the bitch, Marilyn Manson, and the dragon fly or horny fella. They enjoy the cheerful sport of child molesting and are often seen among the rides at Michael Jackson's wonderland. Do not mistake the Loch Ness Monster with its female counterpart "Nessie"; despite the similarities in appearance and class, Nessie only rapes female children. The differences found in their behaviors are enormous and could cost you your life. The Loch Ness Monster is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding £3.50.

History of Nessie[edit]

Nessie was born in the year 1752 AD in Falkirk, she was at the time only a tiny shrimp-like thing compared to her mother, Susan Boyle. She was so cute that peasants often would take her and let her play with their children until their children began to disappear. They disappeared not because they were eaten but because they exploded. Nessie had a habit of playing the "smoke the weird underwater leaf" games. She would often snort and smoke humanheadexplodeajuana. This proved fatal for any human to smoke between the ages of 0-96. Larry King, you are safe. Nessie later, realized that she was not liked by the younger folk anymore so she moved to Central Park and played chess with the Neanderthal that lived there at the time and were 96 years old. One sad December day, she got in a fight with a Neanderthal man and crushed his spleen because he had cheated in a chess match.

She was banished from Long Island then and she decided to relocate to the Caribbean Sea. She had no friends there until she met this awkward-looking pansy boy by the name of Fidel Castro. They fell in love and Nessie took him to her cave and they had "secret relations" with each other and the occasional sand crab. When Fidel became dictator of Cuba he denied ever having relations with Nessie which broke her heart, so she broke his balls. One day she was watching TV in her cave and Braveheart was on TV; she fell in love with Scotland and decided to move there. She now resides in the Loch Ness and preys upon any pansy boys she can find who remind her of Fidel.

She later had a reunion with her mom, godzilla, where they ended up going to New Jersey where they drank all night with the cast of Jersey Shore. After getting drunk and having a cat fight with Snookie, killing a bunch of little japanese people, they lost contact and have not talked since, because Nessie found out that godzilla had banged Nessie's boyfriend Bigfoot in a little cove under loch-ness.


A photo of the monster taken during Scotland's annual Marti Grah, 1992. Everyone was on pot in 1992.

Do not mistake the Homo Simpson with a penis petunia or raptor. The body of the Loch Ness is long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end (Sounds kinda like my penis! Oh no I didn't!) Along the spine of the Loch Ness Monster are large zits, often mistaken for growths. (Yep, definitely my penis. Mine has a spine you know) The skin of the Loch Ness is an orangey, pink color that is rarely seen underneath its shining black armor. It is 300,000 nanometers in length and so is the same size as George Bush's brain but were not here to talk about him; he has his own specific page for his "amazing" deeds. It's kinda stupid that I said the loch ness monster is alike to my penis. Especially since I then said it was the size of Bush's brain.

The conclusive photographic evidence that finally persuaded the world.

Note: Attempts to remove the shining black armor that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armor are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of Los Angeles, but it turned out to be Madonna after treatments.

The Loch Ness monster is a type of white boy coin used in Argentina. It was of no use to the locals because they were to freaking poor. So they used it in the making of the first toilet. It was not a great idea for Argentinians because the were so poor, they had no toilet paper so they had to use their hands. it didn't work. it was later used for discriminating people with blue and pink shoes and sombreros!

Local Nessie expert Willie Cameroon (not Denica Fairman) who is such a fearsome red-bearded Scot that during his frequent TV appearances viewers are convinced that a surviving dinosaur from the Jurassic era actually exists! Offers by Drameron to catch a special sighting of his monster are best avoided as nobody who has accepted this offer have been seen again. To this day, he still needs his Tree-Fiddy.

Loch Ness Rhymes[edit]

A typical sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, found near a Loch Ness Monster X-ing sign.
You can knock it,
You can rock it,
You can go to Timbuktu,
But you'll never find a Nessy in the zoo.
You may see an Anaconda, or Giraffe and Kangaroo,
But you'll never see a Nessie in a zoo.

“That rhyme sucked.”

~ Captain Obvious on The Crappy Rhyme

On sale on ebay[edit]

Due to Scotland being skint, Alex Salmond tried to sell Nessie on ebay. Iran, thinking she was the latest hi-tech weapon, purchased her for $7,000,000,000,000. Salmond subsequently claimed she wasn't real but collected the Iranian money anyway. Iran declared war on Scotland, so Scotland sent its greatest warrior, no not William Wallace, Robert the Bruce or Sean Connery but Susan Boyle. United States declares war on Iran, firing a ONE shot, at a Iranian goat (rumored to be actually Canadian). Scotland win the war when Boyle eats the whole of Iran and Kuwait by mistake, fat cow. United States declare to be the greatest nation ever by defecting Iran by supplying SoBo with McDonald's and Burger Kings down the years. But as we all know Nessie isn't really a dragon , she's a green/purple leprechaun. One day Odin came to her crying , and clearly upsed . Nessie , which were wearing a hoodie gave him the word of the high one ( Hávamál ).