Logic

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“Can your logic explain why sometimes things happen, and sometimes they don't?”

~ God on logic

“Face it, you haven't got a fucking clue have you?”

~ Kurt Godel on logic

“Erm, Yeah...What He Said...”

~ Logic on God

“In Soviet Russia, strawman attacks you!”

~ Russian Reversal on Logic

Logic is, or might be, or might not, or both. It depends on whether it is not not-logic, or, indeed, something else altogether. If it is something else then it is something else. Always assuming, of course, that something else is not, in fact, it. And that's what it is. Or. Not.

Contents 1 Ownership 2 Promotion 2.1 Fuzzy Logic 3 History 4 Types 5 Woman logic 6 Accessories 7 Examples of Logic 7.1 Mathematical Proofs 7.1.1 Proof by Inductive Logic 7.1.2 Proof by distraction 7.1.3 Proof by the rovdistic principle 7.1.4 Proof by Analogy 7.1.5 Proof by an Oscar Wilde quote 7.1.6 Proof by Intimidation 7.1.7 Proof by Windows Error 7.1.8 Proof by Vandalism 7.1.9 Skillful proof 7.1.10 Proof by Repetition 7.1.11 Nihilistic Logic 7.1.12 "Simple" Logic 7.1.13 Contradictory Logic 7.1.14 Immature Logic 7.1.15 Skeletor Logic 7.1.16 Proof by Provitute 7.1.17 Proof by Frustration 7.1.18 Proof by Appeal to Consequence 7.1.19 Proof by Octopus 7.1.20 Proof by Toothpicks 7.2 Pigeonhole Principle Logic

[edit] Ownership

Philosophy (random)

Ayer Buddha Camus Chaos Confucius Derrida Hegel Goa Tse Heidegger Hypocrites Chaos Leibniz Idiocrates Locke Kierkegaard Marx Mill Schopenhauer Wittgenstein Dr. Dre Ice Cube Biggie Smalls Will Smith Grimace

Philosophies

American Dream Antiexistence Antifeminism Arachno-communism Capitalism Cartesian Duality Confucianism Deconstruction Determinism Existentialism Football hooliganism Hedonism Humanism Idealism Knowitallism Scatogorical Imperative Taoism

Related Things

Begging the question Being and Nothingness Brainstorming Chuck Norris/Paradox Chaos Theory Ethics Existential Angst Argumentative Masterstrokes Free will God: The Interviews Golden path Exoplanets At One With Universe Life's Answerable Questions Life's Unanswerable Questions Logic Meaning of life

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Unbeknownst to many, logic was sneakily patented by British comedian Bernard Manning in 1963. Mr. Manning has since set up a center for Logic and Epistemology at his Embassy club in Manchester. Though he did not invent logic, no one had yet bothered to claim it as their intellectual property, although recently a 15 year old girl from England claimed she invented logic as a way to stop World War 2, these claims lay unresolved. Mr. Manning registered the rights, quote, "as a precaution against other fuckers who might seek to charge for any fucking benefits". In recent times, the center has proven that when an unstoppable mother-in-law meets with an unmoveable mother-in-law, there will be a great big row that can be heard all down the high street.

Though usually quite indulgent in allowing other people free access to logical thought, Mr. Manning will sue if there is perceived misuse, such as liberal association with St Thomas Aquinas, St Augustine, foreigners or other medieval philosophers (see Fallacy). If you would like to use logic in any way, but are unsure of the implications, you should first contact him by wrapping your request in a brick and throwing it at him.

[edit] Promotion

The greatest 20th century exponent of logic was, of course, Dr. Spock. Rather than debate the nature of logic itself, Spock devoted his life to pointing out what things are logical and what things are not logical. Cheese sandwich? Logical. Floating Walrus? Not logical. In this way, Spock taught the concept of logic to a vast generation of hippies who would otherwise never have heard of it.

[edit] Fuzzy Logic

Fuzzy logic was invented by a good friend of Mr Spock. (one Bertrand Russell), despite living in different millenniums. He got the idea after a time trip with Mr. Spock during which his dog Fuzzy went into the washing and drying machine and became all fuzzy. This made him think of a new logic that does not have only two set of states - false or true but in fact any number of them such as - You Lie!, No Way!, It could be possible and Most likely. His logic went to later discovery of use by a washing machine which unfortunately ended his life in a horrible accident involving Klingons, two washing machines and a piece of corn. It should not be mistaken with the theory of probability which 2 out of 3 sections on the spinner say is shit.

[edit] History

Logic was invented by Socrates as a way of avoiding taxes. He also invented the logical syllogism, which is a kind of Greek joke. This is an example of a syllogism:

1. All men are mortal, (A⊂B)
2. Socrates is a man, (C∈A)
3. Socrates should be put in a lower income tax bracket. (C → Satirical comment on the Greek taxation system)

Another form of syllogistic logic is the metaphor, which actually uses a logical fallacy created by improperly associated syllogisms, as in this example:

1. All men die. (A⊂B)
2. Grass dies. (C⊂B)
3. Men are grass. (A=C)

Though this statement is a fallacy, it would hold true if ...

1. I am the walrus. (D→A=C)

The first time logic became greatly publicized was in the TV show Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.

[edit] Types

There are many kinds of logic, but by far the most important is Lumberjack logic, which is a kind of reasoning used by Lumberjacks to fell large trees.

A tree that doesn´t fall and instead hangs in midair is called "illogical" and in most of Canada is considered a delicacy.

Notably the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the Mighty Scots Pine, the Lofty Flowering Cherry, the Plucky little Aspen, the Limping Roo tree of Nigeria, the Towering Wattle of Aldershot, the Dyslexic Brich, the Maidenhead weeping water plant, the Naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak, the flatulent Elm of West Ruislip, the Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni, the Epigillus, and the Barter Hughius Greenus. The ultimate goal of logic is to show nothing can be proved. But by proving something cannot be proved, the thing in question is proved anyway.

Another important kind of logic is taxi driver logic. This assumes that folds in the space time continuum cause routine journeys to expand and contract depending on the point of view of the driver. By a process of deduction, experienced drivers can work out exactly where the traffic will be heaviest in advance of actually getting stuck in it. The complex rules of this logic also provide a manifold of explanations for missing change.

According to most logicians, falsum is the summum of all logic.

A very notable test of the principals of logic is to use the theoretic question of all existence featured in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, 6 X 9 = 42. this is absolutely true, and even more truer in a base 13 numeral system. if your calculator does not give this answer, it is a racist nazi.

Unfortunately Logic died in the year 2003, which now explains the incredible rise of stupidity in America and the British health and safety board. (I mean seriously, kids can't play conkers because they may be blinded by flying shards of shell????)

[edit] Woman logic

Though the precise origins of woman logic are still unknown, male scholars believe this form of reasoning eventuated during the completion of the successful cooking of a meal or successful delivery of slippers to her male master. After completing such activities the male master would praise and sometimes reward the woman’s efforts by presenting her with a little treat to encourage more of the same behaviour and productive energy usage. The foundations of this mysterious form of logic are based around the do-and-get-rewarded thought structure of the woman. No actual or academically recognised types of known logic are incorporated into this special type of reasoning. Women have proven (proof by woman logic) that the condition-reward system requires no strategy or application of true logic. The following general statement by Kegan Slipps sums up woman logic and is used by many as a credible definition of such:

“They must do what they must do to get a treat even if it means sacrificing all intelligent thought”

Some examples

1. Make food => reward
2. Clean house => reward
3. Look sexy => reward

[edit] Accessories

A confident chap can enjoy his logic in any kind of clothing or even, and often preferably, none at all. Newcomers to the game, however, might find their chances of losing all their clothing increase if they purchase the following simple accessories:

1. A pipe
2. Glasses
3. Corduroy trousers
4. Elbow patches
5. Bath sponge
6. Condom

[edit] Examples of Logic

1. The sky is blue, therefore you owe me twenty dollars, same as in town.
2. Cheese is good, therefore I am right.
3. A lamprey is alive. You are also alive (hopefully), therefore you are a lamprey (hopefully).
4. The Glorious and Mighty Uncyclopedia is the pinnacle and epitome of human logic. Therefore, all cybernetic llamas should be kept refrigerated.
5. Wars are bad and the United States is in a war, therefore the United States is bad. (See peace.)
6. What separates protozoans from bacteria and primates is the ability to reason.
7. Square developed Final Fantasy, therefore all Final Fantasy fans are squares.
8. Attack the argument, not the person because an argument cannot fight back but a person definitely can.
9. baue
10. Logic is Illogical
11. I think, therefore I am a Democrat.
12. There are three types of jellyfish in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't (most).

For example:

Amoeba: . Thus, I am right!!!

Homo sapiens: What?!

Streptococcus: No comment.

Therefore, protozoans are the most logical of all living things.

[edit] Mathematical Proofs

1. Given: 2 + 2 is a real number.
2. Let 2 + 2 = 5.
3. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED..

1. Given: A right angle is 90 degrees.
2. A quadrilateral with two 90 degree angles is a rectangle, by the Common Sense Theorem.
3. Therefore, I am always right.
4. Flying monkeys exist. QED.

1. Given: Pi = 3.14159
2. A pie is round
3. Pi^2 = A square pie
4. Therefore Squrt Pi = a slice of Pie!

1. Given that k = t
2. I can prove E=mc²
3. Let E be k
4. And mc² be t
5. Since k=t, therefore, E=mc²
6. Take a moment to wonder on the author's amazing intellect.
7. QED

[edit] Proof by Inductive Logic

1. If n = 1, then 2 + 2 = 5
2. If given n, 2 + 2 = 5; then for n+1, 2 + 2 = 5
3. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Proof by distraction

1. Look behind you!
2. ... proves the existence of an answer for 2 + 2.
3. Look! A three-headed monkey over there!
4. ... leaves 5 as the only result of 2 + 2.
5. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Proof by the rovdistic principle

1. I like to think that 2 + 2 = 5.
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Proof by Analogy

1. 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 80 fingers.
2. 80 fingers / 2 arms and 2 legs = 20 fingers in arms and legs.
3. 20 fingers in arms and legs / 4 Living Beings = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
4. Then, 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
5. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.

[edit] Proof by an Oscar Wilde quote

1. “And after a long study that I have not documented, I hereby declare that 2 + 2 is equal to 5.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ultimatum Mathematica

2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Proof by Intimidation

1. The Party says that 2 + 2 = 5
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.

[edit] Proof by Windows Error

1. CRITICAL ERROR 4245562234791928385960202434234:
2. Windows could not execute this instruction: "ADD 2,2".
3. Windows will use instead this randomly chosen number as an answer: 5
4. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Proof by Vandalism

1. Here it says that 2 + 2 = 5
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

[edit] Skillful proof

1. 4+4=10 in base 8. (it does. You're working in base 8 now)
2. divide both sides by 2:
3. therefore 2+2=5
4. Q.E.D.

[edit] Proof by Repetition

1. 2+2=5
2. 2+2=5
3. 2+2=5
4. 2+2=5
5. 2+2=5
6. 2+2=5
7. 2+2=5
8. 2+2=5
9. 2+2=5
10. 2+2=5
11. 2+2=5
12. 2+2=5
13. 2+2=5
14. 2+2=5
15. 2+2=5
16. 2+2=5
17. 2+2=5
18. 2+2=5
19. 2+2=5
20. 2+2=5

[edit] Nihilistic Logic

            

            

            

            

[edit] "Simple" Logic

1. Nobody is immortal
2. My friends say I'm nobody.
3. Therefore I'm immortal.
4. And 2 + 2 = 5. QED

[edit] Contradictory Logic

1. Anything is better than nothing.
2. Nothing is better than Coke.
3. Therefore, NOTHING IS BETTER THAN COKE.
4. Including Pepsi. And 5.

[edit] Immature Logic

1. Fart
2. Poo
3. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5

[edit] Skeletor Logic

1. He man must die
2. He must die in the most complicated manner possible
3. The most complicated manner possible never works
4. Therefore, Skeletor is an idiot

“No its 5”

~ Skeletor, on Acid

[edit] Proof by Provitute

1. Given nonzero A=B
2. AxA=BxA
3. A^2-B^2=AB-B^2
4. A-B=0
5. (A+B)(A-B)=B(A-B)
6. A+B=B
7. Therefore 2+2=2
8. Monkey

However this falls apart and is not considered a true proof by all but the most qualified biologists.

[edit] Proof by Frustration

1. You think 2 + 2 doesn't equal 5
2. Go fuck yourself
3. QED

[edit] Proof by Appeal to Consequence

1. We are trapped in a desert and send one person to get a rescue team.
2. People can survive for three days without water.
3. It will take them two days at the most to get to civilization and two days at the most for the rescue team to reach us.
4. If a rescue team doesn't come, then the person we sent likely died on there way for help and no one is coming to save us.
5. Four days have past with no signs of a rescue team.
6. 2+2=5

[edit] Proof by Octopus

1. Suppose 2+2=4
2. Now, also suppose I have an octopus.
3. I have an octopus.
4. QED

BUT!

1. If I have an octopus, I therefore have a sea-dweller as a companion.
2. If we assume that sea-dwellers are good at math, we are deluding ourselves.
3. But when I first bought the octopus, there was a sale going on.
4. One octopus cost 4 dollars.
5. Two octopuses cost $2.50.
6. If I were to buy two (2) pairs of octopuses, my total would come out to be five (5) dollars
7. 2+2=5.
8. QED

Some people criticize this method of proving things, calling it "Excessively Verbose." However, The extra steps just prove that we allowed for more exceptions to our data, and what do those people know anyway?

[edit] Proof by Toothpicks

1. Lay down toothpicks in this way: II + II = IV
2. Take off I from IV.
3. 2+2=5
4. QED

[edit] Pigeonhole Principle Logic

If there are 9 holes and 10 pigeons, we can infer that someone who was asked to build holes for the pigeons to live in them, is not doing his work properly.