London

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“The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perfect Fried Chicken
“Flowers are as common in the country as pricks are in London.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“London is full of women who trust their rudeboys. One can always recognize them. They look so thoroughly unhappy.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I don’t know what London’s coming to - the higher the buildings, the lower the waistbands.”
~ Noël Coward


Londinium
TheRealLondon.jpg
London, as seen from the London Eye.
Motto: "Give me your wallet"
Civic anthem: London Calling
State England
Official nickname Clunge Heaven (excl. Susan Boyle)
Official language(s) Cockney, BBC, Chav, Queen's English, Polish, Afrikaans, Mandarin, Patois, Punjabi, and Correct English
Mayor Boris Johnson GCSE A* PhD ASBO (all in Posh Foolishness)| Joe Strummer (God)
Established 1300
Currency Class A drugs|Alcohol
Opening hours 72 hour constant shifts
Dialing code 0207, 0208, 0203, 020, 0181, 0171, 081, 071, 01, 01992, 01993, 01994, 01995, 0800REVERSE

London is the useless, philautic, capital of United Kingdom of Britannia. The city was badly built along the River Styx by the disfigured, sexually inadequate surviving inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. London has been a major settlement ever since, with the turning point being the arrival of the Romans, who named it Londinium, and laid the foundations of its standing as a bastion of homosexual behaviour.

A leading global city, strengths in the dark financial arts, self-love, skinny-jeans manufacturing, posing, and nihilism all contribute to London's prominence.

Its 43 universities form the largest concentration of higher education in Europe and provide local muggers with a source of skinny young white boys to attack.

London has a diverse range of peoples and cultures, and more than 300 languages are spoken within its boundaries, most of which are used to talk about the people from the other cultures.

Major(ish) Landmarks of London[edit]

Big Ben[edit]

Big Ben can usually be found in one of the plethora of cafes in central London. His favourite drink is Earl Grey, and his height is 7'3", making him one of the tallest Greeks on display. He arrived in London in 1982 for a holiday which impressed him so, that he decided to make London his place of habitation.

Various Tramps[edit]

These horrible looking people clutter the nicer parts of London in order to try and gain money for... Christ knows what! It's important to remember, they are a part of what makes London shit and do not confuse them with the more common beggar. See also London Tramps

London Tramps[edit]

These strange beings are a more serious variety of the standard tramps. The difference is that they will not give up no matter how many times you throw them in front of a bus.
The one time a London Tramp was thrown off by a victim was in 1943 by a direct bomb hit. There is a tramp who many believe comes from London, but in fact originates from Cannock. She is known as 'Izzi Harris'

Public Toilets[edit]

Fancy a hand-shandy with a stranger who looks like your old Geography teacher? Get yourself in my son! Just watch out for George Michael, who likes to frequent the bogs on Hampstead Heath.

Millenium Dome/o2 arena[edit]

Such a successful piece of millenium structure it was taking over by the Y2K virus and had to be bought out by a mobile phone company.

Millenium Bridge[edit]

Just another victim of the Y2K virus, caused severe wobbliness only seen when Oscar Wilde is asked about his sexual preferences.

Tower Bridge[edit]

A bridge that looks like an unravelled carousel. It is not called London Bridge in order to confuse the next 'Merkin millionaire who wants to buy it and ship it to the desert.

The British Museum[edit]

When your empire stretches over the whole world and you can steal her treasures, you'll have a damned fine museum too! Contains millions of rare artefacts, several dozen of which are legally acquired. Here too one finds the Elgin Marbles, designed by Sir Denzel Washington in 1964 and a portion of which were sold to Greece in exchange for sugar.

Buckingham Palace[edit]

This is where The Queen is kept on occasions. Buckingham palace is where the world is actually ruled from. This is usually kept secret as The Empire was supposedly turned into the commonwealth in 2003 but this is only a front to keep people happy while the Queen makes even more money from after dinner speeches and handbag-swinging on the town hall steps. The King (Elvis) may also be found in the Buckingham palace auditorium bum fucking the also supposedly dead Michael Jackson.

This place is also a target for everyone in London. Whilst there, if you succeed in the challenge of breaking in, you must then proceed to find as much valuable stuff as possible and the game is take as much as you can before you hear guns, sirens and Queenie's vicious RAF trained attack corgis.

Due to the status of the queen, many guards are posted to guard the vicinity of the palace. They are made to hold an automatic rifle and a silly-looking bearskin hat, and have to stand still ignoring the constant camera flashes and generic fat, stupid American tourists yelling "Looky-ere! It be one of them-thar Palace Guard things!". They must never respond to anything which is done near them - They make no facial expression, movement, or any other form of response to the actions around them. The guards are forced to ignore particular things - These include stupid Yankee tourists, lepers and most importantly of all, terrorist attacks aimed at the palace. In one occasion, a guard clouted a Chav who was performing a goofy impression of him. This unfortunate guard was later sentenced to death by Syphilis, fittingly caught from the chav in question.

=== Tower of London ==-

The Tower Of London, exterior currently under renovation in tourist's favourite luminous green and cyan.

It towers three stories high - and at the time of its construction was the tallest tower on the planet. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers.

The Tower is inhabited by ravens and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people, Americans mostly) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens' wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower.

The "Beefeaters" that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest men in all the world, although many put this down to the gin or the Mad Cow Disease-ridden meat they consume.

The London Eye[edit]

A huge wheel floating above the Thames it is made from 100% recycled London landmarks such as The Dome, Battersea Power Station and London buses. People come from miles around just for a "flight" in this big boring old Ferris wheel. The Eye is owned by British Airways who want to advertise low fare flights to top European cities - "London to London for just 14.99!!"

The Gherkin[edit]

This was originally going to be called the 'Merkin because it is fat, immobile couldn't win a fight and you can see it from wherever you are.

A giant monument, having the shape of a glass dildo, commemorating some pickled Swiss bankers. Speculation suggests that the well known Ann Summers corporation may soon purchase the building for use as a manufacturing plant for its popular Rampant Rabbit product. The Gherkin is the first in a series of buildings that will soon include the Pickled Onion, The Cucumber, The Stuffed Olive and the Nacho.

The Royal festival hall[edit]

Built on the basis that large square grey lumps of concrete will raise Londoners' spirits even more than a self-congratulatory episode of Eastenders. After it had achieved this, the government used it for testing atomic devices.

Nelson's Colon[edit]

In place to illustrate the workings of the digestive system of great leaders. Also a handy target for pigeons to practise their aim. Napoleon Boner Parte is buried under his colon, not in St Helena as rumours often claim.

Bendy buses[edit]

Otherwise known as "rolling road-blocks", these huge single-decker buses are used to slow down London's traffic, maim or kill cyclists as well as randomly setting on fire to harm players playing the "Completely crap public transport that was just made so Ken Livingstone can make a fortune" expansion pack for the widely known game "London Underground"! These "long single deck" busses were introduced to replace the much more sensible "double decked" busses, of which the design dates back to the 1200s. This "double deck" configuration was favoured over single deck as it would accommodate more people in a smaller area of road. Thus reducing congestion and increasing the fare paying passenger potential! Additionally, the double-deck configuration with only a single load door for entry rather than the three doors on the bendy bus. Leads to longer waits at bus stops, giving the passengers more time to admire the sights of London and get more confused. But in recent years it's been noted that this idea is not a modern european idea for a Modern thriving European city like London (in BRITAIN!) So the shittier road clogging bender busses are now used in the attempt to fuckup the roads for ever more! Before their introduction, London's roads averaged a heady 11 miles per hour, but are now down to a safer 3 miles per hour - the same as they were in 1394 when farmers were allowed to drive sheep and cattle through the streets. In fact, London's traffic is now so slow that it is the first country in the world to introduce parking tickets to people stuck in jams.

10 Downing Street[edit]

This is a small private hospital for psychiatric patients who believe that they are the Prime Minister of England. It's most famous resident was Winston Churchill, a drink sodden, cat-stuffing old geezer who moved in back in 1940 and is still barricaded into the attic, kept alive only by 4 gallons (Imperial of course) of brandy a day and a large supply of Ernest Hemingway cigars - plus the occasional cat of course for stuffing. The current tenant of 10 Downing Street is Cordon Brown, a first cousin of the former Chancellor of the Exchequer Cordon Bleu. He is currently practising his DIY skills destroying the lamentable built in kitchens of Tony Blair and smashing photos of the hideous Cherie Blair. Cordon was recently threatened with eviction by 60 million angry Britons and his landlady, the octogenarian Liz Windsor who wants the house for her grandsons Bob, William and Harry.

Boris Johnson[edit]

If anything, Boris Johnson is one of the main sights in London. It is usually quite difficult to access as it is often surrounded by Japanese tourists trying to get photos of themselves next to the womanising hair.

He is also addressed as Dominic Kelly, his handsome look-a-like from Gnueaton (or Nuneaton), or God to the japanese tourists.

MI6 Headquarters[edit]

Situated on the south bank of the River Thames at Vauxhall Cross, MI6 Headquarters is an apparently huge building housing the entire operations of Britain's Secret Intelligence Service. Rumour has it however that the building is merely a hologram, created to give the impression that the UK possesses a large and sophisticated intelligence-gathering service, when in fact it doesn't have one at all.

There may be some truth in this story, as a drag queen from Soho recently claimed to have entered a coin-operated toilet in Central London, only to find themselves in MI6 HQ once inside. The drag queen was able to walk around the office freely, viewing contents of secret emails on officers' computers, as well as play with various eavesdropping gadgets in the surveillance department, before being ejected for trespassing. Although extremely perturbed and embarrassed that such a breach of security could take place, she was allowed by officers to have a wee on the way out.

Demographics[edit]

There are currently 10 million people living in London. 5 million are black, 2 million Asian and the 1 million Polish. There is also a Bulgarian man called Radi. The rest fall into the following groups.


Cockerknees[edit]

People born within the sound of Cow Bells are called Cockerknees, who are named after men's genitalia and a convenient posture. Cockerknees are detained in the East End of London with the chavs. The last sighting of a Cockernee was a week last Wednesday driving around in a clapped out Ford. Cockerknees live entirely on whelks and eels, and these creatures have been wiped out due to severe over-jellifying. A prominent figure in the Cockernee community is the Right Honourable Dick Van Dyke (who was bullied by his own middle name), whose strong Cockerknee accent and comedic Cockerknee mannerisms have truly opened people's eyes to this unique parasite endemic to the East End of London.

Nasty people[edit]

Apart from regular cockneys, people who live there pearly kings and Reggie Kray types, there exists a new breed - the rude-boy happy-slapper.

This specimen gains delight from randomly attacking people (usually by slapping his small flaccid micro-phallus in the victim's eye) whilst a companion films the incident on his (stolen) mobile telephone. Rude-boy happy-slappers live in the shittier parts of London - most notably Shepherd's Bush, Peckham, Holland Park and Mayfair. As with terrorists they come in a multitude of guises - one should take as much care with a chav wearing Burberry as a pinstripped banker. A notable feature of the rude-boy has been his evolution to adapt his skin colour to his nocturnal habits.

Werewolves of London[edit]

In the seventies some Excitable Boy took a vacation in London and visited well known places such as Soho and Kent. He claimed to see numerous amount of werewolves there. Although many individuals believe his claim to be true, the mainstream view is that he was in the wrong. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair said, "He's acting like a fucking headless Thompson gunner." Margaret Thatcher later claimed "Next thing we know the mad lunatic will be going home with a Russian waitress." Throughout his life the man in question stuck by his "Werewolves" claim. He was subsequently confined to a psychiatric hospital for several years, finally being released in 2003 and was brought into intensive care because his shit was fucked up. He died of that disease where you get a lump somewhere and you get sick and you have to go the hospital a lot.

Chav diversity in crisis[edit]

Recently in London, wildlife experts have expressed concern at the apparent dwindling of the indigenous Chav species. The exact cause for this decline is unknown, but as 2010 is International Year of Biodiversity efforts are being made to remedy the situation. A recent survey has suggested that there is still a healthy population in Dartford,Gravesend and Millwallland (Eltham) as well as small, isolated populations in other key areas such as Bermondsey. The results of the survey have heartened wildlife lovers the world over, with Bill Oddy saying: "It's great to know that the Estuarine variant of the Chav has some future and it is vital that we protect these areas. There's nothing I like better than observing chavs in their native habitat courting and copulating ... especially copulating." Mayor Boris Johnson has promised to review the situation next year, with possible police cull in the pipeline in order to prevent disruption to the natural behaviour of the Estuarine Chavs. A ban on condom sales in Surrey Quays may be an alternative to ensure healthy reproductive rates.

Language[edit]

The following is a translator for some of the most common phrases used by the aforementioned Rudeboys. You will find this language all around London, even in the richest of whitest, of posh sausage in the arse boroughs,

"You're gonna get mirked" - We're going to beat you.
"I'm gonna blaps you up" - I am going to nibble your ears.
"I'll mash your face up" - You may need some plastic surgery soon, old chap!
"Cuz", "Blud", "Blad" "Man" and "Bruv" - Terms used for anyone, friend or foe. "Man" can also refer to one's self. See below
"Naaah, that aint serious!" - I find this rather unfair
"Nah bruv, he bare boyed you off" - I believe that young man just insulted you
"Don't have it cuz, don't have it!" - He insulted you. Now he must pay
"Sick" - Can mean either good or bad, depending on how expression is placed upon the word
"Man's is gettin well Vex" - I am becoming rather irritated. "Man" can also refer to someone else. See above
"Cold" - That was a tad bit harsh
"Bredrin", "Crew", "Homeslice"(can be shortened to "Homies")- gang or crew
"Wasteman" - A young man constantly leaking waste product.
"Wastegash" - Same as above, but a young lady
"Bare" or "Behr" - Meaning extremely or incredibly, or a lot of, for example "That's bare cold" (that was extremely harsh) or "He had bare crack, man" (he had rather a large amount of crack)
"Jack" - To steal
"Allow " - leave it "set me your phone ,cuz" Let me borrow your phone. There is an underlying tone of "If you don't let me borrow your phone I'll take it from you anyway and maybe I'll just forget to give it back and stab you instead"
"Blud, what you got for me?" - I want some of that.
"What ends you from?" - where are you from?
"Ill get ma shank on you blud." - I'm going to stab you.
"Cum den." -bring it .
"Wagwan Mandem?" - So how have things been for you old chap?
"Fo' Shizzle ma Nizzle" - I concur with you whole-heartedly my African brother
"Dench" - when some on is both the don and hench

Culture[edit]

'aving a Knees up[edit]

At any place and at almost any time a knees up can occur. Originating in the early 15th century with the uprising of the Ant Kingdom, cockneys found that they could not only evade their insect nemeses but also crush their attempted uprising. Later that day, after the ants had flee (or lost interest) the cockneys continued having the knees up long into the night, many say out of joy, many others say out of ignorance to the departure of the ants. It became an annual tradition that the cockneys liked so much; they made it into a daily one.

The knees up has long since been used to bond, entertain, resolve differences and riot. Mostly occurring in pubs and involving such classics as “Knees up Mother Brown” and “Cockney Bin man” the events are a hybrid between a barn dance and an orgy. Usually accompanied by a man on an out of tune piano playing an upbeat melody at irrational speed the event can last for hours as the cockneys dance the night away. After a knees up, anything that had gone before has widely been forgotten, such as differences, schemes and progress.

Knees ups are not limited to pubs however, as any mention of a knees up, anywhere, can trigger one. One should be extremely cautious when using the phrase. When a knees up starts somewhere outside a pub, a piano generally rolls in from a nearby area (with a man playing it on a stool with wheels) and people come running from all over London to join.

The longest recoded knees up occurred in 1945 when, after the end of the war, the cockneys conducted a knees up that lasted for two years. This ultimately led to the collapse of the British Empire. See also "down at the old bull and bush", "knees up muvva brahn", "maybe it's becawse i'm a Londonaar" and most Chas and Dave songs.

However the Knees up is now under threat from the elf and safety brigade. They are concerned that those doing the knees up might kick other dancers, passers by, dogs, cats, rats, mice, horses, policemen, MPs, inanimate objects incapable of protecting themselves, taxis, buses etc. They may also hurt themselves by slipping a disc, pulling a muscle, or by getting in the way of the suddenly appearing piano. The knees up can continue so long as people do not move their legs.

Modern-day Londoners and the "God Complex"[edit]

A 1997 survey showed that 98.7% of Londoners thought that London was the centre of the universe, and a synonym for "Nation" (hence the logic of placing anything "National" there).

If something "national" needs building (say, a soccer stadium, or the multi-billion pound 2012 Olympic village) it is completely logical to 'Laandaanaars' to have it in the south east of the country as far as possible from people from The North of England as possible.

A God Complex-sufferer's face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, i.e. everybody and everything else. They can occasionally be seen walking around on all-fours, the reason being that Their heads have become completely stuck up Their own arses. This greatly improves their looks. And breath.

Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their "Holy Scriptures", such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is without prefacing your remark with the Southern password : "Oi me old mucker".


Government[edit]

File:London Borough of Haringey.png
Not all of London's 32 boroughs are terribly good at children's services either.

London has tried all possible variants of government - from street party committees upwards: the current government and its leader are the reincarnations of the previous ones after a 14 year blank (Mind the gap): a previous version was a byword for corruption.

Travel Advice[edit]

Getting there[edit]

The best way to get to London is to hitch a ride with a one-eyed drunk taxi driver who thinks he is at Le Mans being chased by the rear seats of the cab. You'll probably die, but at least you won't end up in the city centre. London is central to a large railway network which operates very frequent(ly delayed) services. Providing that you don't get derailed at Hatfield or crashed head-on at Ladbroke Grove, you will end up at a train station such as Waterpoo (the World's smelliest terminus - not surprising given it is used by people from Basingrad, Feltham, Woking, Southampton, Portsmouth and Strawberry Hill).

London Underground[edit]

London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get to Mornington Crescent.

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

  • Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
  • Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
  • Fines for having the wrong ticket.
  • Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
  • Carbon Dioxide with other poisonous air and a little oxygen.
  • Police officers who want to shoot you for looking a bit dodgy.
  • Transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.
  • A high likelihood of having everything in your pockets stolen within minutes. And being stabbed 'for a laugh'.
  • Tramps urinating on your shoes
  • Giant were-cockneys
  • The deadly Hackneyans
  • Washed up bankers trying to end their pointless existence on the tracks.
  • The acrid smell of hundreds of fetid, sweaty, greasy, miserable, unhelpful cunts.
  • Constant "Tube Maintenance" stoppages, in which holes in the 100 year old track are expertly mended with sticky tape and lolly sticks.

A recent survey by the mental health charity MIND concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds. A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Londoners had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". London Underground was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms. Nonetheless, all those affected live in London, so they probably deserve it anyway.

Due to the understandable high levels of suicide committed on the London Underground every day, London Underground Limited decided to install parts of the Jubilee Line with automatic doors on the platforms. This decision was made to make it harder for those playing the game of the London Underground to end the game prematurely out of frustration. While this intended to prevent suicides by electrocution or being hit by a train, there has since been the unintended side-effect of severing passengers' heads when the automatic doors close. A feature described by the designers as a 'throwback to the simpler times of public execution'. Disappointingly, the majority of the suicidal population have yet to notice this.

Mind the Gap

~ That annoying voice on Minding the Gap

This announcement is actually a mis-representation of a problem that dates back to 1902 when Space Bats took up residence in the newly constructed tunnels. The dark, cold, lifeless atmosphere was similar to their native habitat that a large colony formed. As the trains passed through the tunnels they would dislodge or disrupt the colony, causing normally a single bat to fly out onto the station platforms. Coming out of the dark into the light they were often angry, upset and hungry, they were greeted by the platform announcer crying:

Mind the Bat!

~ The original announcement in 1902

Like so many traditions in London, this stayed in place long after its usefulness was gone (see Houses of Parliament)

Together with the famous and repetitive:

Mind the Doors, mind the closing doors, stand clear clear of the closing doors.

~ These annoying platform operators on Closing Doors

The seven circles of hell are;

  • Circle line from Earls Court to Earls Court
  • Bakerloo line from Sarf London to Harrow
  • District line from Wimbleton to Up-minister
  • Northern line from Modern to Old Fashioned
  • Victorian line from Brixton(!) to Walthamstow(!!)
  • Metroland line from Aldgate to Chesham
  • Central line from Heathrow to Epping

At a couple of points the tube system crosses the river to South London. This was a mistake on the part of the designers, who had originally planned a route which 'kept the Southern darkies in their place'. The stations south of the Thames are scheduled for demolition soon.

The above 7 lines have no ventilation, as the carriages were originally made for the Necropolis line to take dead bodies from London to Woking. Travellers are advised to take a deep breath upon entering the trains, as no fresh air will be available until you reach street level again. Patrons are also advised that the average temperature inside the carriages is 93 degrees even in winter, so take a plentiful supply of water, a portable shower and something to eat.


Heathrow Airport[edit]

The most Common way of entering London is be the Death Trap known commonly as Heathrow Airport. The Death-trap is divided into 5 zones, namely Zones 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Zones 1-4 were built in a hellish style with tin foil and gaffer tape that was found in the Thames and designed by a 5 year-old boy with some Lego bricks. However Zone 5 is built by Steel and glass that was stolen during a riot in Tottenham, therefore it reduces the chance of total collapse from certain to most likely. However the design is a trap made by the evil men at BAA. Passengers are lured into Zone 5 by its "Modern" design, but in fact, it is just as dangerous as Zones 1-4. This is because in the basement of the Zone 5, Evil Demons will steal all baggage that comes through from check-in and run a Bendy-bus over the top of it. They will then chuck your bag off to Yugoslavia, Never to be seen again.

See also[edit]