Derry / Londonderry

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“It's a hole handle bars'”

~ Oscar Wilde on coping with Derry

“You're listening to Radio Foyle”

~ BBC Northern Ireland imposing british propaganda on Derry

“Half a sesh'”

~ Lukey D on life in Derry

London-fuckin-derry (known by some locals as 'It's fuckin Derry ya Jaffa bastard!', or alternatively 'It's LONDONderry ya fenian cont yee', is a small peaceful village on the outskirts of the Republic of Ireland. The village (or city, as the locals call it) is famous for its historic walls, which managed to keep 'Sky Three's Rupert Murdoch film crews at bay for hundreds of years until some Portadown git let Terry's chocolate Orange down the Garvaghy rd. Now Derry is a regular on Sky Three's regional sports programme 'Street Wars'. Derry is just around the corner from Portadown.

Oh noes!! Helpless women in Derry.

Residents of Derry are called DerryHeads. DerryHeads are famously proud that they outnumber HUNS 98%. Derry is very near the border with County Donegal in the Republic of Ireland and serves as the gateway to Muff & Budjin. The City of Derry has had a very close relationship with County Donegal for centuries. The people of Derry as well as all true Men have expressed their love for Muff for many years. Local Derry trades include living on benefits, bitching about how Belfast is a theiving shit hole, hard disk drives, fighting and fuel smuggling & how there's hardly any Jaffa's around these days.

Derry also has a prominent gypsy community, locally known as Fountain as evident by the cages on the windes keeping them inside their rundown houses.

Derry is where Gregory Campbell lives, out numbered unionist.

Derry was founded by Colmcille who also caused Christianity to survive & return to Europe during dark ages. Feck that, we'd have no Prod's if he hadn't bothered

Places of Note[edit]

Shhhhhh! This is a humour free zone.

Local News[edit]

“Eamonn McCann wrestles bear”

~ Derry People

“Galliagh Estate vows to fight global warming”

~ Green Campaigner

“Global Warming gets its "fuck knocked in"”

~ Tirconaill Tribune

{{Q| Mary Smalls Derrys no.1 Resident!

"Gutsy wins x factor with republican anthem 'come out you black and tans'"


Derry is seen to have a very good education system, with over 6 people per year graduating from the different secondary schools. There are many secondary schools in which young people frmo the ages of 11 to 18 are kept. Such schools include

  • The College - The College (founded by St Columb when him and paddy needed somewhere to find children) is filled with loads of grebos and gays but some cool people. Since its founding, the college had a terrible infestation of priests, but in 2007, the priests all fled to an unknown location. Leaving priest boy to eat lunch by himself. Free from child abuse for 8 weeks (the summer holidays just) In 2008 Father Martin left the College, leaving the school to Mr. McGinty. No priests are around to molest the pupils anymore, although some have attempted to get in, but were shot.
    Part of the NBA as well.
  • Lumen Christi College - Is considered to be the smartest of the Derry schools thus foyle is smarter ,just most of them ae potestants therefore not people, the student body has the nickname, "Lumen wankers". Year in year out, the school can boast the best A -level and GCSE results as they do an english examboard. Wankers(cough). The school is situated in the old college buiding, which gave rise to the well known phrase "Youse are stoky bastards in our old school,as well as thinking they are greater than everyone else they are know to be really snobby cunts (hi)" everyone of them are penisheads and are afraid of the word and well being of 'sex they think their smart but really their mums and dads have sex with them until it gets into their little retatrded brains
    Education is heavy in Derry!!!!!
  • Thornhill - Situated in thornhill, Thornhill College for girls who are ugly slags is the largest girls school in Derry. So if you are a 40 year old paedophile, I recomend it. Also, the canteen is considered to be one of the best in the North west, so if you ton't like to do your paedophiling on an empty stomach, then i especially recomend it.
  • Foyle and Londonderry - This is the school for huns and some nice catholics. Although in todays modern society, religion is no longer as important as it was (due to 1978s table football match between the I.R.A. and the Queen) which the Queen lost to as an I.R.A member was holdingher at gunpoint. In fact sectarianism is now seen as "gay". However, it is still normal protocol to separate the proper christians (catholics) from everyone else as there eyes are not close together. Although, I actually prefer budism.
  • St Brigids College, CarnHill - this is the place for the surrounding "hoods" and "louts" to come and socialise and Try to learn and get an education, locally known in derry as "Rumper High" this school has its ups and downs. The school has its own child reproductive system with every 1st - 3rd year girl pregnant. usually find school pupils in back alleys and Red rooms (if old enough).
  • St. Joe's - St. Joe's (also known as BRY training ground) is a school, located near that place that gives the feeling you are about to be mugged, raped and murdered all in one night. It is commonly attended by those who think they are too "lawd" for The College or where rejected by it and pretend they didn't even apply. still class but! Singles at break time and pitchin before registration, the craic is 95 in this place.
  • Oakgrove - Oakgrove, most commonly referred to as "Stokegrove" is a school (almost). Considered to be nothing more than a shithole, it's students usually are either hugely uneducated, moderately retarded, or pregnant


  • Foyle Golf Club - Foyle Golf club is well known across the North West as the 12th largest darst course in the world. The course consists on 18 holes for pros with their handicapps and gold trolleys (wankers), their gloves, polo shirts and usual darts rules. The second course is a short (thats what she said) course of 9 holes. The 6th hole is also known as a bermuda triangle as many golf balls have mysteriously disappeared into the lake of the unknown. Legend also has it that a darts club went missing upon taking a shot, only to appear 30ft over a fence, although this was just a rumour and has yet to be investigated. As you pass alongside the driving range, this is where many gypsies are found, they congregate alongside the wire fences stealing the stolen balls to which they then sell at various car boot sales. This golf club (darts course) is also know for its regular grass cuts which do fuck all to the shit putting surfaces, and with rented clubs, you're fucked.

This club is also known for many great professionals who have passed through the gates, Tony Blair, Padraig Harrington, and Chris Moyles are just some of the famous faces to compete in a 7 ball with the ladz.

Natives play some basketball.

  • Northstar Basketball team - club wa founded in 2001 or 2002 ,know one really knows or cares. it was made for the people who got sick of watching 90 minute football matches or playing them and not scoring and realized they wasted an hour and a half of their life everyday the bunched up and had sex with the game of basketball,although some men just joined to perve on the young hot talent;;
  • The Brandywell - Also known as the Brandy Brandy well, is the Football stadium biult and designed by the Beatles in their days as builders. In true irish fashion, the brandywell was originally a well of brandy, but due to half the populuation of Derry dying to due too much drinking (brandy) and no football, the local government, with the help of the Beatles, converted it into a football stadium. Nowadays professional players such as Paddy McCourt and Farren can be seen on the pitch, running up and down, in search of a ball, in what they call "Football"
  • The Frostys Challenge(drink as many bottles of 3 litres cheap cider within one night before passing out)

Learn to speak Derry[edit]

For your convenience the following phrases have been provided to assist you when travelling to Derry.

  • Abraham Lincoln - when the pubic hair is shaven and is spread over the face of a girl who has your sperm on her face
  • hole handle bars' (a handling) – A terribly complicated situation.
  • Aye - Yes
  • Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite - Shite
  • Bags - Claiming ownership to a thing or an event, i.e. "I bags the front seat on the way to muff for ice cream."
  • Belter - Absolutely Spiffing.
  • Birdman - SCUMMY BASTARD
  • Blocked - Intoxicated.
  • Bobs your uncle - Thats was very easy/there you go
  • red neck - Country Folk.
  • Bout Ye! - How Are You.
  • Bucketin' down – Raining Heavily.
  • Ciar: Car, apparently.
  • C'mere Hi You – Excuse me good sir, Can you come here for a moment?
  • Catch Yurself On – I say, you are being awfully childish about this.
  • Chancer – A Risk Taker.
  • Chimley – Chimney.
  • Class - Brilliant - one step down from Belter.
  • Connor - Source of cuban joints (see: cuban joints)
  • Craic - Entertainment of some sort, fun.
  • Crack shot - to buttox perfectly allined while a beverage is poured between and cought in the mouth of a person.
  • Cuban joints - Sex
  • Culchie - A Member of the townships of Buncrana Claudy, Strabane or Slaughmanus.
  • Dander – A Carefree stroll around town
  • Dey - to Do.
  • Down The Town – The city centre.
  • Dry Yer Eyes – wise up and stop complaining.
  • Do yeev any smoke - Asking someone do they have any cannabis or crack cocaine
  • Dur de dur - What Derry accents sound like to anyone not from Norn Iron.
  • Eugh- To show distaste.
  • Fish shop – Fast Food Place/Community Hall.
  • Fishy – a fast food place.
  • Gack - Someone who eludes common sense
  • Giz lasties - Can you give me some of that cigarette
  • Giz a fag - May I have a cigarette please
  • Goodin - Good "aww ats a goodin".
  • Gone go indeyy the offy fer me - Will you please go into the off license and purchase alchol for me
  • Gammy - Not functioning properly i.e. a gammy leg
  • Greasy bastard - A freak or 'scenester' who fails to cleanse their hair.
  • hardly- To describe an event that is not likely to occur.
  • Headin' – To be going, leaving.
  • Hi – Excuse me (to receive attention).
  • How's she cutting/ How's The Form – how is it going?
  • Houl - Hold
  • Hun - Member of the protestant community(probably live in the waterside)
  • Hallion - A women who resembles a man e.g. Serena Williams
  • Kack - Frosty jacks (local drink for anyone under the age of 15)
  • Leech- someone less fortunate than yourself eg. a gypsy
  • Leful - Brilliant.
  • Lep - Someone less well off than oneself. Someone who does something distasteful eg. you see someone pick their nose & devour a nice big snotter, one would exclaim 'jeeeesisss, yur a f*uckin LEP hi!'
  • Lout - a person who constantly wears Track suits and starts fights for looking at them (also favourite saying is AWW WHAT HI!!!)
  • Ma - mother.
  • Magic Hi - Great!
  • Malk - Milk
  • Mind - Remember.
  • Monkied - Commonly used by teenagers to say they were drunk. E.g. I was pure monkied upah walls weyy a f*ck load ah people HII !!!
  • Mucker – Friend.
  • Natter - To have a good talk
  • Peelers - Police.
  • Plastered – Very drunk.
  • Poke – Ice cream cone.
  • Poke man – Someone who sells ice cream cones.
  • Poke van – the vehicle used by the poke man to sell pokes.
  • Pure ledge- Legend
  • Rodeo - preform anal intercouse and qoute "i have aids" and see how long you can hold on for.
  • Sam- smells like teen spirit
  • Saunter - move.
  • Sesh - a common, socialising and drinking passtime.
  • Slapper - a female all your friends have fuc*ed
  • Sound – nice/grand/like/thanks – used as different terms but commonly used to describe someone who is friendly or simply to say thanks.
  • Stacks - Plenty.
  • Stick – To make joke about someone.
  • Tay - supposedly known as tea
  • Them There – Those folks.
  • Themins – Them over there.
  • Tiocfaidh Ár Lá - I'm a fenian, please shoot me.
  • Take a chill pill - To tell someone to calm down
  • Waaaahn - One; singular; individual. As in: 'Waahn ciar' (see: ciar).
  • Wain – Child.
  • Wanny go uppa town hi? - Excuse me, would you like to travel into the town area?
  • Waster – someone who is good for nothing. - rosemount ones !
  • Was hapnin ladd? - How are you?
  • Was hapnin horse? - How are you?
  • Wee Buns – very easy.
  • Wee Minute – a small moment.
  • Whopper - really ugly person
  • Wile - Terrible.
  • Wile dry/ Dyin' a drooth – Thirsty.
  • Wile man - alcholics beside bank of ireland
  • Wile Lukin' - Ugly.
  • Wile Strange - Weird.
  • Winger - ectasy tablet
  • Wise up – Telling someone to be more mature.
  • Worser – worse than worse.
  • Wrecked – Tired.
  • Wunda - Window.
  • Yeno? - Do you know?/Do you know what I mean?
  • Ye - You.
  • Yer man – Him.
  • Yer ma- Your mother
  • Yes Boss – Saying hello to someone, usually not your boss.
  • Yes hi – Saying hello.
  • Yoke - Any physical item.
  • Your Ma - A local woman, known about town. e.g "How much does that cost?" "A lot less than your ma did last night."
  • K- (dry cunt) !