Horatio Nelson
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Our Lord and Savior; Horatio Nelson, was a Supreme Deity who disguised himself as a British Navy General in order to command ships and kill some French.
Contents |
[edit] History
Horatio (in his human form) was born in Norfolk in 1763. It was noted at his birth the peculiarity of his 7 foot long penis of which later in life he would beat French with. He was able to escape the boundaries of mortal society at the age of twelve by developing the "Nelson Touch" which resulted in the head of whoever he touched exploding. After discovering (and taking advantage of) his newly found power he did what he had come to our world to do; he joined the Navy to rid us of the French. He spent several years in it, and during that time set dozens of French and Spanish ships, not to mention polar bears and Orphans, on fire, with hilarious consequences. The other captains tried desperately to stop him. They are now all dead. He was sent through an AIDs-malaria-Diabetes-Penis-infested swamp without a map, toilet paper or any gasoline to drink, yet nothing slowed Nelson down. Eventually, after Nelson started attacking and capturing not one Spanish flagship at a time but two, taking the men, stripping them nude, covering them with his private rations of gasoline, lighting them on fire and then masturbating over their burning corpses, they were forced to take the ultimate step of making him a Viscount, which is Latin for "One that kills French and masturbates over bodies of burning Spaniards".
He then swept across the Mediterranean to Egypt, where he decided to ethnically cleanse the area for "the hell of it". On seeing a French fleet whilst in the area, he reportedly claimed to be able to beat them with his right hand tied behind his back. This would have been an amazing feat, but his right hand was several hundred miles from the opposing ship at the time. However, this did not seem to cause much difficulty as he simply Laser-Mouth beamed the shit out of them. The French admiral did not even have time to surrender before he and his ship blew up. The cultural significance of Lord Nelson's Laser-Mouth Beam is reflected in the popular Shoop'da whoop videos, in which the creators claim were "inspired by him".
On the way back he stopped off at Naples for a spot of light adultery and cheerfully murdered a few hundred prisoners of war (this is officially remembered within the Comedy section of Our Lord's bible 'The Nelson Testament'). Having run out of Frenchmen for a while, he decided to attack the Danish fleet, despite the fact that he had been ordered not to do so and that Denmark was neutral. He bravely and memorably turned a blind eye to these inconvenient facts, and won a very bloody victory capturing and then immediately slaughtering thousands more POW.
Horatio Nelson died at Trafalgar on the 21st of October 1805, owing to the fact that Nelson bet his fellow officer Captain Hardy that he could survive a direct hit from a cannon ball. His famous last words were memorably "Kiss me, Hardy", spoken to Captain Thomas Hardy. As hardy came down to poetically kiss is superior officer on the cheek as he died, Our Lord thrusted his hand inside the back of his fellow officer Hardy, ripping out his spine and then manually replacing it as his own on the ship. Less commonly known is that after he had succeeded in doing so, Nelson said standing over the body of the now paralyzed Hardy, "Now fondle my balls". This rather tasteless joke is not mentioned by later historians, who felt it might tarnish his reputation. These historians, though, obviously never paid any attention to the fact he senselessly slaughtered hundreds-of-thousands of Spanish,French and Danish. After the battle Horatio was nowhere to be found.
[edit] Why the French Lost
Well firstly: They're French but also the French battle cry was :
"To the water, it is the hour!" "A L'eau, c'est l'heure!"
Yeah, I know. Lame, huh?
[edit] Historical Legacy
His descendants, if he had any, would have been be asked to apologize formally to the French and Spanish nations for the acts of piracy he carried out in his time as Admiral. These were clearly not in line with the spirit of the European Union, in which no country is allowed to win.
[edit] Some Little Known Facts About Nelson
- He was a little bit famous in his own time, being God and everything.
- After losing his arm at Santa Cruz de Tenerife, he invented the "half-Nelson" wrestling move as a matter of necessity for survival in the daily Royal Navy Greek wrestling rituals.
- As a midshipman, he was known to stuff his ass with broken glass. This immeasurably helped his meteoric rise to the top of the Fleet.
- Rumor has it after his death, (assuming he actually can die) he was stuffed in a barrel of brandy for preservation. His body was brought back to England and publicly devoured in triumph by the Royal Family.
- He had only illegitimate children, named mostly after himself.
- To this day, one can escape speeding tickets in England by claiming to be a descendant of Horatio Nelson.
- According to Taskforce, (1986-) Nelson was the first person to invent 'The Ratio'. The third one in the maths thing (sic) where you work out a circles dimensions, after diameter and circumference.
- Horatio Nelson has killed Chuck Norris before, except he was forced to bring him back to life after you bastards bitched and moaned that there were no one else to make jokes about.
Barmy British Stuff 
