Lord of the Rings Online

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“The servers will shut down in two minutes because I feel like it.”

“I love to go fishing.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lord of the Rings Online

“Im TeH u!t1maTe PwNz00r!!1111.”

~ Frodo Baggins on Lord of the Rings Online

“States like these (Mordor), and their terrorist allies (Angmar), constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of the world.”

~ George W. Bush on Lord of the Rings Online

Lord of the Rings Online is an MMORPG developed by the Council of Elrond to simulate the Fellowship's quest into Mordor. The player attempts to find the Fellowship, clears out any orcs in their way and then tries to find the Fellowship again.



Lord of the Rings Online has a a special type of combat system called Player vs. Monster Player (PvMP). The player can fight other monsters who are controling players in the region called Ettenmoors. Most of the time is spent at STAB (short for Strategic Tactical Arm Battles) where they look at each other and jump up and down.


Players can earn heroic titles and traits to make them more powerful by performing glorious deeds to help Gandalf and the Fellowship on their quest. This includes sending pies to overweight Hobbits, deliver mail to old illiterate women, killing Orcs, and occasionally allowing Elrond to creepily fawn over them.


Players can add important titles after their names to intimidate other players.

Examples of titles:

  • <your name> the Runaway (received by attaining level 20 without being defeated)
  • <your name> of your home (One of the many origin titles that players start with)
  • <your name>, [Gnat-Foe (received by defeating 300 Gnats at Bilbo's home)
  • <your name>, the Fat Belly (received after winning a pie-eating contest)
  • <your name>, Vanquished by GM Gandalf (received after going link dead for the 25th time)
  • <your name>, the no life (obtained by reaching level 60)


Traits are a very important part of the game. It separates the n00bs from the 1337s. The more you have the better. There are four types of traits:

  • Virtue
Virtue is received by feeding the hungry, helping the elderly get across the street and combing Gandalf's beard (not the beard on his face by the way).
  • Class
Class traits are obtained by logging off and going to school on time.
  • Racial
Racial traits are politically incorrect traits. You obtain them by calling other players racial slurs.
  • Legendary
Legendary traits are for those who suck up to GM Gandalf.

Music System[edit]

Once you hit level five you can learn to play an instrument. You can play any one of the thousands of downloadable, easy to install, player made songs on your computer and have your character play them. It is best to do this in very busy places in order to cause as much noise and server lag as you can.


The game is set in Middle-Earth. If you explore enough you can also find Right-Earth and Left-Earth. If you log out you find Earth.


There are four playable races in the game:

  • Dwarf
A short guy with a pointed hat that stands in a flower bed. Good at fishing. There are no females as far as the other races are concerned.
  • Elf
A snobby race that likes to be left alone. If you play a female you are likely to be stalked by Hobbits, and are probably single, and a male
  • Hobbit
A short dwarf that shaved off their beard. Rolled only by women who want to play an ever-so-cute little bundle of fun.
  • Man
The jack-of-all-trades race who are in search of the mysterious race of woman.


There are nine classes in Lord of the Rings Online. These are arranged just like in a real school where class 1 is the easiest and class 9 is totally the hardest and you have to sit way more exams.


The main ability of the class is to hang around in fellowships and pick-pocket any loot the other players manage to win after 2-3 hours of fighting huge, scary orcs. Burglars often descend in a group upon a fellowship that has just defeated a Boss like a pack of hungry childen, and make off with all the Radiance Gear. Therefore, Burglars are the least wanted class in raids and fellowships, as we tend to help ourselves to all the decent gear and sell it down the Green Dragon for the price of a few pies.

Burglars are almost exclusively Hobbits, since they can use their over-powering cuteness to drain all aggression from any enemy. Jumping, flipping and blowing kisses at bosses makes the hardest end raids a breeze, and, of course, would make Burglars the most popular class to take along if not for their habit of helping themselves to everyone else's loot.


This is the easiest of the classes to play and the class equivalent of nursery or kindergarten. The Champion has over 350 skills but, in order to cater for the majority of Champions In order to execute attacks, a Champion must accumulate Fervour in order to build up from smaller, slightly damaging attacks to bigger and deadlier ones. As a result, the Champion becomes more and more violent and dangerous towards his foes as the plight for relief becomes ever desperate. Therefore, because of the need for a constant supply of pies, the best race for a Champion is unanimously agreed to be Hobbit, as they have almost certainly spent levels 1-40 delivering and eating pies in the Shire. As a result of this blind, pie-induced rage, Champions are unable to block, evade or parry any attacks, that is unless they have the Controlled Burn trait slotted which requires the Champion to eat a Vindaloo and take an absorption tablet before activation.

If a Champion is faced by multiple foes and it seems as if the bathroom cannot be reached in time, the Champion can unleash his deadly arsenal of AoE attacks (this stands for Area of Excretion) which instead of just hurting one enemy, hurts millions and cuts through them very fast. One of the best Champion AoE skills is 'Sound the Attack' - this is a massive fart that the Champion can emit when he has full Fervour. It is so unbearably toxic that it stuns any nearby foes for upto an hour, allowing the Champion to run past them to the nearest bathroom.

This skill can be used to ruin any kind of Crowd Control that has been carefully prepared in advance. This is used by only the most trusting Champions who believes that their group is so competent, they could do with a bit of a challenge. This skill can only be used if all CC skills have over 90% of their cooldown left to ensure the challenge is at its maximum, which is why you will find that the best Champions spam this skill over and over again, especially at the start of the fight.


The middle-earth sith, they go around and shoot lightning at things, screaming about how they have unlimited powah.


This is a class best suited for people who don't like MMO's, 13 year olds or game developers. The class was voted Most pathetic class 12 years in a row, and features in LOTRO because the creators could not come up with a better archetype. They are a DPS based class, but have other very useful skills, such as the ability to disappear at will if something slightly dangerous appears, such as a rabbit. This skill is known as desperate flight, or ditch friends. They always wear green so they can hide easier from more dangerous beasts, such as badgers. They go particularly well in a stew, be sure to add hobbit meat to the broth to produce a weak flavour which will suit the elderly, or newborn and be easier for them to digest.


The wannabe pirate of middle earth, they hunt for gold, rum, and their screams of "Yaaaarrrrr!!!" can be heard for miles around. To get them in the pirate spirit, all captains are followed by a slave, probably a hobbit, carrying a ships mast, so that they can pretend to be at sea no matter where they are, and the true quest of any captain is the hunt for more power, as they never quite have enough.

The opposite of a captain, and their ultimate nemesis in PvP combat, is the burglar or "hobbit ninja".


This is the class for every Gandalf wannabe. Usually players selct it because they want to "cAsT SpElLz, pWn n00bs anD s**T". A Lore-Master can have quite a lot of diferent pets, the main role of which is to aggro as many mobs as it can see, and pick fights that you can't win. If you do not treat your pet kindly it can turn on you by getting stuck when you can't notice it (usually in the moments when you most need it). The most powerfull pet that a Lore-Master can have is the Rabbit, which is based on The Caerbannog The Bloodthirsy Beast from Monty Python epic tale Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Nobody knows exactly what is the purpose of a Lore-Master in a group. Some say it is to get angry on people breaking his/her stuns, other say it is to serve as cannon fodder due to incredible armour and vitality.


These guys heal people by playing the banjo. Seriously. Unfortunately 'Banjo Plucking' came second in a recent poll of Things Bad Guys Hate, narrowly losing out to perennial favourite 'Short Guys in Metal Shouting A Lot'. Most people playing this class like to heal people, but jumping into war speech allows you to shout at your opponents like Lethriel.



Vocations are the "day jobs" of LOTRO. The reasoning behind them is that if your going to pay piles of money to play an online game, it might as well seem more like work so that you can tell your boss "I've been hard at work all day."

There are seven vocations available:


The armorer has the ability to mine ore and hammer it into oblivion, make fashionable "light" armor, rather ordinary "medium" armor, and ridiculously heavy "heavy" armor.

Good for Captains and Guardians (who sicken and die without new armor weekly), or anyone who wants to make sweet green off of Captains and Guardians.


The armsman is the "right hand man" of the armorer. He provides the arm in the armorers armor.


The explorer is an expert at taking whatever he happens to be looking at, and breaking into pieces to sell or make stuff with. Be it trees, boulders, or old weapons, an explorer will quickly have it stripped and sold. Due to this vocation's unusually high income, an explorer is required to look fabulously wealthy wherever he goes.

Explorer is a good choice for misanthropes, as contact with other players is required only when making money off of them.


The historian spends his days going into the most dangerous areas of middle-earth looking for old broken pots. He then uses his new "broken pottery" knowledge to make consumable post-it notes that provide various combat and non-combat bonuses to anyone with enough pocket space for a few hundred sheets of paper.

This is the vocation to pick for anyone who likes getting killed a lot (typically right next to the pot you were looking for, giving a pleasant frustrated sensation), and those who love minutely examining old dirty broken stuff with no apparent significance.


The tinker is an expert at making cheap jewelery. Anything picked up on the side of the road is fair game to made into a necklace or bracelet. Most often compared to a factory worker, the players with this vocation work happily for peanuts.

The tinker is a good vocation for lore-masters, as it well suits their typical uselessness.


The woodsman is like a modern-day Paul Bunyan, swinging his/her massive axe at random trees and making bows, fishing poles, and Dutch wooden clogs from them. The woodsman also has the inestimable ability to farm, making an otherwise highly environmentally damaging career sound better.

Hunters are often also woodsmen because they spend so much time up and behind trees that they want something to do while they're there.


The yeoman is a farmer extraordinaire. Tobacco and potatoes spring suddenly up as a yeoman passes certain crafting fields, where he typically plies his craft. His abilities at making Superior Stew's make him popular in the shire.

All Hobbits wish they were yeomen, because the numerous amounts of food that come with the job are always in high demand in local inns.



Fishing is currently the only available hobby to players. You must acquire either a free twig, or a very expensive gilded rod, then you are free to use any body of water (large or small) to catch goldfish and old boots. To become an "expert" at this hobby, you must spend a minimum of 20 days catching 10 fish a day. If you catch an especially large or shiny fish, you can exchange it with a very fishy NPC for a wall trophy so you can proudly display your goldfish or char (whatever that is) on your wall.


Volume I: Shadows of Angmar[edit]

The main feature of this storyline is the player's drug-induced trance journies with Tom Bombadil, AKA Yoda.

Volume II: Mines of Moria[edit]

The main feature of this volume is about how some drunken bearded stumpy chavs tried to pimp their house and upset the landlord, then they get evicted.

Group Instances[edit]


Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online