Lost (TV series)

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“There's no such thing as "spoilers" in Lost. Merely mentioning the word gives away the series.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lost

“You can't tell me what to do!”

~ John Locke on being misquoted

“Have you seen Oceanic Flight 815”

~ Kevin Shannon, Irish Film Critic on Lost

“This thing is more confusing than fit women loving fat men”

~ Captain Obvious on Lost

“Huh... I had my money on purgatory...”

~ Sayid Jarrah on Being told the truth about the island

“I tend not to be concerned with such things.”

~ JJ Abrams on His involvement with the show

“Lol wut?”

~ Everyone on Lost
"Where'd you hide my meth?!?!?!?!!!!"
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Lost (TV series).

Lost is a science fiction supernatural mystery fantasy adventure time travel medical drama zombie thriller romantic comedy television series. It is named after both the general premise of the show and how the viewer feels after enduring an episode. This aspect was created in the USA.

The show itself focuses on a group of misfits whose mothafuckin' plane crashes on an island after being hijacked by mothafuckin snakes. This concept was originally criticized for being "uninventive, unrealistic, dire and completely in line with JJ Abrams' effluence" and for "cramming too many previously overdone ideas into one". However critics claimed to enjoy the rest of the series as they followed the Losties' meandering adventures, which included looking for/running from polar bears, Udders, falling planes, animated clouds of smoke, holes in the ground, giant electromagnets, and each other.

The show is somehow in its fifth season, and is watched by nearly 42 million people worldwide, making it one of the most popular TV shows about a bunch of people you could happily assault with an electric drill in the world, ever. It has already been picked up from ABC by the XYZ network for 108 more seasons, which the writers claim is the minimum required to completely cover their whole shit story.

Latest Episode Recap[edit]

Love in Lost

Season 5 Episode 11: Whatever's a Hippo, Happened[edit]

In 1977; Sayid checks into the Travelodge just before it closes and gets a few drinks from the minibar while Jin takes Ben Linus back to the DI barracks where he tells Juliet he (meaning Ben) was shot. Juliet then tries to fix Ben, but needs Jack’s help, but he is too busy having a shower so Kate and Sawyersauce take Ben to that creep Richard who takes Ben into The Temple alone,richard says that Ben's innocents will be gone forever...hmm.. – Richard has got to be gay.....hasn’t he? As all this is happening Roger Linus is too busy getting smashed in the Dharma Bar to notice that he son has been shot. Oh yeah, and before Sawyersauce and Kate take Ben to the guy with the eyeliner, Kate gives Juliet 5000 pints of her blood as she is coincidentally a universal donor (these things only happen in Lost) so she can give it to Ben. Still interested? God help you.

Back in the Dharma Bar, Roger Linus is joined by Hurley and Miles who also want to get pissed while discussing the theories of time travel. Hurley then asks Miles why they can’t use Dr. Who’s TARDIS to return to their own time. Miles asks why they don’t use the DeLorean again, but Hurley tells him that there was barely enough space for them all in the car before as he is so fat, but if they use the TARDIS, its bigger on the inside, so he will be able to get inside it with the others. A drunken Miles then asks Roger to shoot him; Roger agrees knowing that Miles probably won’t make it to Series 6. It doesnt stop, does it?

There are then a load of flashbacks in which Kate looses Claire’s son then finds him again, and then looses him again and then finds him again and then looses him in a game of poker to Claire’s mother. Kate then tells Jack that she can return to the island as she is not tied down with the baby. In 2008, an older Ben Linus wakes up in the Dharma Hydra Station where he is freaked out to see John Lockestockandtwosmokingbarrels who has been watching him while he has been sleeping. Thank god, thats over.

See here for previous recaps.

Characters[edit]

For the full list of characters, which was so big we couldn't shove it in anywhere, see Lost (TV series)/characters
Several of the "LOST" Castaways
  • Punchable yet evil Vincent the dog is the main character (and i use the word "character" quite incorrectly), who is slowly, surely but thankfully killing off the rest of the cast but not quick enough. It is yet to be revealed how he does this, possibly with a gun - he's american afterall. The series creators have, though, dropped clues that it has something to do with ranch dressing and bullets.
  • He is accompanied by roly-poly fat-man Hurley who is looking to spend his fortune made from shooting adult film. Also on the island is Charlie Hobbiton, who is searching for the one hatch of POWER. Sex symbol and highly adored Kate is a (by the numbers) psychopathic serial killer, with an inexplicable lust for toy airplanes and 16 inch battery operated rubber phalluses. She is also at the center of the island's infamous love tetrahedron™, which includes most of the cast and crew, including Sawyer, Jack, Claire, Sun, Sayid, Sideshow Bob, Wilson and Vincent.
  • Locke is also an irrelevant character who is dead in the future(whoa!!! What a plot devopment, people dying in the future), but is alive in the present, is dead long in the past, and will probably be alive again in the future. But the present is five years ago, and the future is two years ago, and when he is alive again it will be the present. Lost? Of course you are. Unless you have been watching the vastly superior Torchwood, Doctor Who or even Captian Scarlet.
  • Bill is a character from a video game called Left 4 Dead and doesn't really appear in the show at all apart form the time a reflection of his left big toe was seen in the third tooth from the right of the polar bears molar. He does however play a major role in the series in the way that he is at first used to explain every mystery. For example, Jack asks "Where did that polar bear come from?" Kate answers "Bill from left 4 dead did that!".
  • Walt is a small black child who occassionally has a fit and kills anyone who dosen't believe him when he says 'im tiger woods! im tiger woods!'

Mysterious Island[edit]

A map on a blast door in the hatch. Believed to be finger-painted by Shannon.

The unknown attracts dim-witted viewers like a humming wall attracts keys. Several viewers have speculated on occasion, though never to excess. A prevailing theory in the community suggests that the entire show does not in fact exist; it is just a mass hallucination brought on by ABC broadcasting a blank screen for an hour every Thursday. Although we all know that's not true, we are not that lucky.

A tale of a fateful trip[edit]

Main article: The Dhesktop Initiative

The Udders have been on the island for twenty-two years. They are members of an aborted research project, The Dhesktop Initiative, which was funded by the companies that grow those plants you see in windowless offices. You ever wonder how on earth those plants survive? Right. The island was supposed to be home to research stations for plants that can grow in total darkness, or under very cheap fluorescent lighting. Unfortunately, one day Jerry forgot to close the blinds as the sun came up, and all hell broke loose as the plants grew out of control. The island was transformed into a lush tropic paradise, and funding for the project was abandoned. The Udders are still trapped on the island with all their research equipment from 1982, and when not soddomising the Lost cast they kill time trying to fix their laserdisc player so they can watch Saturday Night Fever.

The Magic Numbers[edit]

The solution to the island involves the numbers. Magic numbers, in fact. The famous Magic Numbers, chubby rock band. In fact, they attempted to stay sane on the island in a similar manner to (that shit head) Tom Hanks in Castaway (vís-a-vís befriending a volleyball called Wilson). However, their friends were much more edible, and their rapidly increasing phat factor meant that they just could not chop their own firewood. Therefore, they shot down a passing plane, bringing a group of lean? and athletic?? Yanks??? (who says the americans can't do comedy?)to the island. And so their firewood was chopped, in pairs of 0, 1337, π, 499000, , and of course, Q. They may also be Satan's numbers - 4 + 8 + 15 + 16 + 23 = 66, and 4 + 2 = 6. 66-6.

The Love Tetrahedron[edit]

The romance in Lost is drawn painfully from the inexplicably complex LOVE TETRAHEDRON, which contains perhaps all of the cast but four - Bono and Shannon; whose necrophiliac needs have been sustained now that they are dead most of the time; the wild boar, because it's underage; and the monster, because it kills everything it loves, ending any relationship before it starts.

The tetrahedron can never be fully explained to anyone due to its incredible yet boring complexity, but a rough guide to it is shown below. Romantic links are represented by the red lines between the names.

Love tetrahedron.png
A father and his son chatting over the Snowglobenet.

The Snowglobenet[edit]

Functioning mainly as the island's networking service, the Snowglobenet as whole (AKA "Websites Tracking Facility") is operated by a large number of nets (SGNs) which are scattered over the island and being maintained by Snowglobe Dolls (SGD). Featuring attractive Snowglobenet-specific websites such as Glooble, Udderclopedia and MSN, the Snowglobenet became majorly a target of vandalism. Recently there have been cases of SGDs thievery, blunt abuse of SGNs, and complete destruction of Snowglobenet servers. Raging WTF addicts are constantly losing control, some of them went as far as kidnapping the vandals, an act not once ended up in casualties.

Other Mysterious Mysteries Solved[edit]

  • The Island is in fact located just off the coast of Euthanasia, where polar bears, jungles, and monsters are common.
  • The Giant Dildo was actually the polar bear in a dick costume. Locke killed the polar bear (named Ryan Chapman) and raped it in the ass. This is in an easter egg in the Season 1 DVD - to reveal this easter egg, you have to insert disc 2 into your DVD player and press the trigger to the shotgun which should already be in your mouth.
  • The Black Rock is actually Captain Hook's ship. They accidentally took the turning at the second star on the left and ended up on the island.
  • The bearded hobo on the island doesn't really have a beard. When this was revealed, thousands of viewers died of heart attacks. Hurrah!
  • The mystery of how an Iraqi soldier serving under Saddam Hussein could have possibly acquired torturing skills was solved when it was revealed that he once dated a dominatrix, who taught him everything he knows.
  • The timer is actually counting down to "PARTY TIME!!" The theory being that if you are able to correctly enter the numbers in time, you're not wasted enough for the party to start properly. When it runs out a giant disco ball comes on along with an array of strobe and laser lights. It turns out that the DHARMA people were actually extras who had escaped from the "Saturday Night Fever" set to find a place of eternal dancing.
  • The mysterious Jacob is actually Frogurt, who went back in time and fathered himself. Not for the first time.
  • Annie, Ben's childhood friend, is the father of Svetlana the cow, and is currently in disguise as a man named Barack Obama who is suspected to be hiding in Washington, DC as of press time.

The Final Truth[edit]

In the Lost movie, picking up where the series left off, the truth revealed in the final episode is shattered. Ed Gein is revealed to actually be the DHARMA Shark, a shark with a DHARMA symbol on its tail, who had disguised himself as Gein. The shark is revealed to be related to many of the island's secrets. He ate the body of Jack's dad out of the coffin, he dropped the food over the island, and he built the hatch in order to test out the button-pushing skills of the islanders. In an epic battle, Desmond mounts onto the smoke monster, who had become a good character in season 72, and they fly into the clouds to battle the shark. The shark eats Desmond and the black smoke, however, and while the Survivor Squad is distracted by the battle, they forget to push the button in the hatch, which results in Party Time, and ultimately the complete incineration of the island due to the continual playing of Insomnia by Faithless.

Discounted Theories about Lost[edit]

"Love and relationships"

These theories have all been discounted, and are now 2 for 1.

  • The Theorists then came up with a better 'dead' theory, that they were all dead and in Purgatory. The creators insist they would still be dead and that that would make the show very boring. As such, that idea will be implimented next season.
  • The plane was the plane from "Snakes on a Plane". (Disproved due to lack of Samuel L. Jackson, not lack of snakes)
  • Rose and Bernard's rumored "graphic sex scene" included in season 2
  • Locke is the original Sawyer, is Kate's real real father, was also her husband for a while, is Him, and was only pretending to need a wheelchair.
  • More than 17 people continued to watch the show after the "Hugo fixes a car episode" debacle.
  • The "writers" planned at least 0.1% of the story before they started typing. Later comments by David Fury proved that they hadn't even started to think about the story until half the show had been broadcast.
  • The survivors are actually a part of a scheme set by George W. Bush to try to get a third term.
  • The "creators" have a "planned" "storyline".
  • Bernard is actually the future version of Jack.
  • Jack is on an intense drug trip.
  • Jack, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Mr. Eko, Charlie and Bernard are on an all night drinking session.
  • Jack, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Mr. Eko, Charlie and Bernard are all on Desmond's stag do.
  • Jack is in a coma and Kate is his nurse.
  • Locke's coffin will be used as a boat for the Oceanic Six to get back to the island.
  • They are all visiting Hurley at his mental institution.
  • The island is the island from the film/book/whatever "The Swiss Family Robinson".
  • The island is the island from the film "Cast Away".
  • The island is actually on of the Canary Islands.
  • The island is Tracey Island from Thunderbirds.
  • Charles Widmore is "The Hood" from Thunderbirds.
  • Jacob = Guybrush Threepwood
  • The island is actually a pinincula.
  • The island is a UFO and Jack and the rest of the cast are being gang probed.
  • The show is a more interesting version of "Celebrity Love Island".
  • Jack & Sawyer are brother and brother while Jack and Locke are husband and wife.
  • Charlie could have swam out the window.
  • Juliet IS dead. The actress that plays her however is very much alive!
  • Jack is a younger Locke and Locke is Jacob who is Sun and Jin's son from the future.
  • Locke sent the other version of himself back in time to stop Jack from ever being conceived (Terminator style) that way he would never have to leave the island to bring him back.
  • Richard has a foot fetish, hense the four-toed statue.
  • The series will end with Jack stepping out of the shower and Locke handing him a towel.
  • The series will never end.
  • Jacob is infact a salesman for "Jacob's Cream Crackers".
  • Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse don't exist and we have all dreamt the show.

Stuff you may not have noticed[edit]

  • Nikki and Paulo are dead.
  • Sawyer's real name is an anagram of HillBilly.
  • In the pilot episode, if you look very closely about 8 minutes 15 seconds in, you can see Waldo
  • Shannon's breasts have a tag on them claiming '$350, Plastic Surgery Express'
  • Claire's mother is Australian, but is so pretentious that she talks in an American's idea of what an Australian accent sounds like.
  • Ms. Klugh was hidden inside the pilot's stomach.
  • The Monster is actually called Cuddles by the Udders.
  • In scene 4 of episode 16, Kate's breasts mysteriously change sizes throughout the scene.
  • If a French woman is separated from native French speakers for 16 years, her accent mysteriously drifts to somewhere in central Europe.
  • The whole series is filmed backwards, meaning that Episode 16 Season 6 is actually Episode 1 Season 1, and vice versa.
  • If you take the first three letters from each episode name, and each character's name is equal to π, and you divide them by the sum of the amount of times there has been awkward sexual tension between Jack Kate and Sawyer, and then subtract the variable of (Disney™)x3+Shannon is a Bitch, you just wasted a whole bunch of time.
  • Ben was watching you the whole time.
  • LOST is an anagram of SLOT.
  • The pylons were not set to a lethal level.
  • In Episode 3 of Series 2, you can clearly see that Sayid has a pot belly.
  • The island kicked out Walt, because the island found out about Walt's love affair with Vincent. Vincent is now the island's new lover, as Vincent is turned on by child molestors.
  • thay find out thay are not lost but on the island of Oahu
  • Jack spelled backwards is Kcaj, which is an anagram for Jack
  • The grenade was not set to a lethal level.
  • Hurley is played by the 'little man from another place' from the red room in Twin Peaks.
  • Charles Widmore backwards is Eromdiw Selrach, the famous Siberian vocalist.
  • John Locke has bigger tits than Kate.

The Lost Experience[edit]

An ARG (pronounced AAAAAAAUUUURRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!) and live action role-playing game, it was introduced to the public in 2004, but no one really noticed until the present day. While members of Lost's cult frantically search for clues in miles and miles of source code and Who references, the real players are creating fake websites to vent their rage on the rest of the world. A popular advert (paid for by Sprite) depicts great warriors donning their armor, raising their swords for battle and forum-posting, all while drinking a Sprite with their other hand. Sprite endorses the advertising campaign, and makes it clear that they are supportive of the show and its massive entourage of thirsty fans. The Lost Experience (paid for by Sprite) has taken over massive sections of newspapers, sometimes buying out the entire newspaper (so long Oregonian), commercial spots on ABC, and most heinous of all: Amazon.com. You can no longer order anything from Amazon, as they'll only deliver a Sprite and a genuine copy of the number 42. The experience serves as something similar to a thirst quencher for Lost fans in between seasons. Drink Sprite. For some reason, the producers evidentally thought people liked he game, so they created two others.

List of Episodes & Recaps[edit]

Season 1[edit]

  1. The Pirate - Part 1
  2. The Pirate - Part 2
  3. Credo Quia Absurdum Est (I Believe it because it is Absurd)
  4. Roundabout
  5. White Wabbit
  6. House of the Rising Bun
  7. The Butterfly
  8. Incompetent Man
  9. Solitaire
  10. Raised by an Udder
  11. All the Best Cowboys Have Dirty Tissues
  12. Whatever the STD
  13. Vital Organs
  14. Walt is a "Special" Boy
  15. Hobbitcoming
  16. Inlaws
  17. Huh?
  18. Letters
  19. Butt Sex Macarena
  20. Why You Shouldn't Kill
  21. Why You Should Kill
  22. Dancing in the Dark
  23. Exorcist - Part 1
  24. Exorcist - Part 2

Season 2[edit]

  1. Man at Seance, Man who Fakes
  2. A Douche
  3. Inflamation
  4. Everybody Hates "Everybody Loves Raymond" Puns
  5. Crap Bin
  6. Tossed in the Gutter
  7. The Udder 48 Gays
  8. Circumcision
  9. Who Kate Did
  10. The 23rd Palm Tree
  11. The Hunting Part-ae
  12. Steam
  13. The Looooooooooooooong Con (aka Guns are Bad)
  14. Us and Them
  15. My Turn to Leave
  16. The Hole's Truth
  17. Locke Down!
  18. Dave!
  19. S.O.B.
    19½. Reckoning
  20. Two Corpses To Go (aka GUESS WHO'S DEAD)
  21. ¿
  22. Fwee Minutes
  23. Live to Get Her, Die at Home

Season 3[edit]

½. The episode for people who haven't been paying attention
  1. A Tale of Two Titties
  2. The Grass Roller
  3. Further Obstruction
  4. Every Conman For Himself
  5. The Cast Is Leaving
  6. I Don't
  7. Not Important
  8. Flashes Bore Your Eyes
  9. Strange Hair On A Strange Man
  10. The Reporter From Family Guy Is Dust
  11. Finishing 7th
  12. Par 81
  13. The Man Who Tapped A Horsey
  14. XXX-posed
  15. Saggy Behind
  16. Just the Two of Us
  17. Snatch-23
  18. L.O.L.
  19. The Breg'
  20. The Wizard of Oz
  21. Greatest Spits
  22. Through the Windshield Made of Glass: Part 1
  23. Through the Windshield Made of Glass: Part 2

Season 4[edit]

All we really need is one person who truly loves us, and it's Sayid in season 4
  1. The Beginning of the Fourth Season
  2. Unconfirmed Life
  3. The Ekonomicz
  4. Egghead
  5. The Contest
  6. The Udder's Bitch
  7. Jet Li
  8. Michael Strikes Back
  9. The Shape of Dirty Things
  10. Some Nice Buttered Scones
  11. Saturday Night Fever
  12. ¡Eso es todo! ¡Estamos matando a la isla! (Part I)
  13. ¡Eso es todo! ¡Estamos matando a la isla! (Part II)

Season 5[edit]

  1. Because You're Right
  2. The Lay
  3. Archie
  4. The Little Ponce
  5. This Place is Dumb
  6. 369
  7. Locke And Abbadon's Excellent Adventure
  8. LaGrille? What The Hell Is That?
  9. Nestle'
  10. She's A He
  11. Recap A Bazillion
  12. Whatever's a Hippo, Happened
  13. Dad Is Dead
  14. Some Like It Hoth...No...really
  15. The Vegetable
  16. Borrow The Leader
  17. The Indecent, Part One
  18. The Indecent, Part Two

Season 6[edit]

  1. LAX ITIVES

Lost Theme Tune[edit]

Weebl and Bob Creator, Jonti Picking wrote and sang the Lost theme tune.


Lost: The Game[edit]

See, they also have a game! That's right, it's Lost the Game! You could have Lost the Game too, just buy one today! Buy them for your friends too! Better buy spares too! Buy!

See also[edit]

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Lost (TV series) is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.