Lottery

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I've won... the lottery!

“They give you cash which is just as good a money.”

~ Yogi Berra on the lottery

A lottery is a competition in which thousands of people are entered, and one or some of them win fabulous prizes. It used to be necessary to buy tickets for these competitions, but all that's now needed is an e-mail account. You don't even need to know you entered! Why not check your mail now and see if you've won any lotteries recently?

Controversy over the Lottery[edit]

“I didn't take statistics or economics – and now look at me!”

The lottery has become controversial in some parts of the world, due to the contention that it is merely an excuse for the government to prey on the poor and the weak (and the stupid). These criticisms ignore the fundamental fact that preying on the poor and the weak has always been the primary function of the government, anyway.

In all actuality, the technical term for the lottery is the "Stupid Tax," and its main purpose is to punish those citizens that fell asleep in their statistics and economics classes in high school. Anyone should be able to see that this is a very worthy cause indeed.

History of the Lottery[edit]

A typical lottery winner, usually found in Market.

The concept of the lottery was first dreamed up by Lyndon Johnson in 1965. In an effort to boost his popularity with the voters, he organised a free lottery for all the young men of America. Winners received a trip to South East Asia and a brand new state-of-the-art gun. In a nod to social equality and lack of privilege, it was seen to that the children of the rich who won in this draw did not receive their prize.

Nixon lost office in the seventies for reasons now lost to history, but the concept of the lottery has since spread all around the world, with many countries now running a national lottery.

Lotteries Around the World[edit]

USA[edit]

Many states in USA have lotteries. Of particular infamy is the Florida lottery of 2000. After the winning numbers were announced, hundreds of punters complained that they had filled in the tickets incorrectly due to the design having been changed the week before. The dispute eventually reached the Supreme Court which ruled that the Court itself got to keep the money. They then had everyone objecting to the decision imprisoned, except for a man named Chad, who used a high quality color copier to print up enough tickets so that he could wheel every possible combination and thus always win.

Chad was spared because he was pardoned by George W. Bush - who was at that time seeking re-election as the Grand Pubah of the Royal Order of Water Buffalos. Mr. Bush then gave Chad a permanent job at the Buffalo lodge, managing ticket printing for other Lotterys.

As Lottery Czar, Mr. Chad is now number 23 in the presidential line of succession, according to secret act of Congress, however this has been disputed by certain Native American tribes who claim that they have the soverien right to the number 23, i.e. in the event that the Lottery is overthrown.

UK[edit]

The United Kingdom introduced its Lottery as a stealth tax in 1996. The promise of lottery funding was used to persuade the International Olympic Committee to award London the Olympic Games in 2012. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough funding to go round, so the junior members of the IOC got hundreds of free scratchcards instead.

Hey, look! That's your money right there!

Nigeria[edit]

Nigeria is a country famous for its lotteries. So successful and well run are these that you don't even need to enter. Your entry will be harvested automatically from your e-mail address, and you will then be informed if you've won.

Because of the success of these enterprises in Nigeria, many Nigerian businessmen have huge sums of money (in the region of about US$26,000,000 twenty-six millions US Dollar) which they need to transfer to Western bank accounts. This is often done by contacting complete strangers and getting their help in exchange for a substantial cut.

Ireland[edit]

The legendary luck of the Irish has played havoc with attempts to start a national lottery there, as inevitably, everyone who buys a ticket wins the maximum prize.

USSR[edit]

In Soviet Russia, lottery wins you!

External Links[edit]

Play lottery online, for real!

See also[edit]