Louis Vuitton

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Louis Vuitton.

The Louis Vuitton, better known as the former incarnation of L Ron Hubbard, lived and died recurringly in the 1721st Century in France. Many knew him as a great poet, but that is not true. In fact, his poems were mostly about rather dull subjects such as love, gravity and how to dry fish. Louis, or Monseur, as his French mother called him, traveled back through time to enlighten the species of Earth of the great dangers of traveling to Denmark in your holidays. When he was not time traveling, he was making purses and bags of dried fish, often portrayed with satanic symbols. Thus he saved Queen Victoria and stopped the First World War while it had yet to begin.

The only natural enemies of the Louis Vuitton are people who listen to Heavy Metal and people who actually want to buy handbags. Efficient measures were taken against this in the attempt to truly make awful looking patterns. These include the skid stain pattern from 1860, the banana smeared on rug pattern from 1861 and the impressionistic "muffy the muffbag" pattern during which hamsters were skinned live and doped with laxatives to make room for lipstick and pharmaceutical applicances.

Hallmarks of the Louis Vuitton[edit]

===The preternatural years===.

  • 1854 - France's former Empress Aubergine buys a handbag because she had an unbelievable bad taste.
  • 1860 - Louis Vuitton builds an underground factory using his bare hands ("Trusty Mitts") and his hordes of manic hamsters. This quickly becomes the centre of attention and some fame is gained.
  • 1872 - Creation of the red and beige canvas formerly known as "menstrual whipped cream".
  • 1876 - Creation of the wardrobe trunk which had a secret room for smuggling
  • 1885 - The first Louis Vuitton store opens in London. Louis Vuitton is unfortunately given bad reviews in a local newspaper for being mistaken for the vampire Louis when his vampire reputation had in fact not made it to London yet.
  • 1888 - The Damier Canvas pattern is created by Louis Vuitton in collaboration with Georges, and bears a logo that reads "marquee L. Vuitton déposée" (which literally means "I disposed a tent in your bag" or roughly "why are you reading this"). Naturally these patterns were repeated in a circular pattern for psychological effects, and because circles are cool.
  • 1888-BAGGY
  • 1889 - Vuitton wins the olympic gold medal for winning a 4 hour wanking contest.
  • 1892 - Vuitton dies. Nobody knows why.
  • 1893 - Vuitton dies again.

The late years[edit]

  • 1893 - Georges displays Vuittons products, which by then have started to rot, and to the content of some, Louis Vuitton is incorporated.
  • 1894 - People start wondering who Georges is.
  • 1895 - Vuitton dies but leaves evidence of the killer.
  • 1896 - Georges publishes a bag called "Bon Voyage" after which he leaves.
  • 1897 - Having suffered from terminal mosquito bites, Georges enters a state of depression and creates bags for people with small hands. The population of Scotland is at rage. As a last resort, Georges becomes a performance artist.

The even later years[edit]

  • 1931 - The erotic handbag is introduced.
  • 1932 - The Nóe bag is introduced. This bag was made to transport empty bottles of beer from the wall, empty bottles of beer...
  • 1950 - A new kind of leather is invented.
  • 1990 - Copy-brands of Louis Vuitton not made of genuine hamster float the streets of Asia.
  • 2006 - "I am Not An LV Bag", LV bag was launched. The whole population of Singapore queued up from 3am a year before to buy.

Future[edit]

  • 40,000 - Goblins inherit the Earth.
  • 3,141,592 - Lava melts the Earth. Body Thetans travel elsewhere.
  • 3,141,593 - Louis Vuitton dies, but leaves an exact description of who committed the murder. It was not the butler.

The Louis Vuitton Cult[edit]

The Louis Vuitton cult arose around the supposed death of Louis Vuitton, after which many people were unsure of themselves and the meaning of purses and handbags. As a consequence, the cult evolved, and is now widespread around the world with millions of devotees known as Vuittonees. The cult is very conservative, and it has so far not been possible to establish what their common purpose is, but it is suspected that their goal is to manipulate the general population into believing there is a need for purses and handbags due to their own uncertainty. The secret symbol of the cult is carrying an authentic Louis Vuitton handbag, preferably made from rotten skin.

Precaution[edit]

It is strongly advised against trying to blend in with the cult, or even try to understand them. They will frown at a distance upon noticing that your handbag is fake. You might want to know that if you see a bunch of teenage girls where one has a bag like that, one of them girls will have a baby before she is 20. They will not believe if you say so, until it has actually happened. You will be frowned at for saying such.

Controversy around the death of Louis Vuitton[edit]

Many believe that Louis Vuitton is in fact not dead. Some argue that because he is a vampire, he cannot die. Unfortunately, there are no current experts on vampirologyism, and we have to make stuff up. Others believe that we just have to wait and see. Because of much cultural bias, it was never established whether Louis Vuitton remained French. Nobody understood him, except the French, but nobody understood them.

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