The Louvre

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An Artist's depiction of the Louvre.

The Louvre (Irish "Expensive art box", pronunciation: "%XqQ<<)47£P-orrige" also spelled: HOW MUCH TO GET IN?, I HAD TO GO DOWN STAIRS FOR THIS, THE GLASS THING WAS THE BEST BIT, I WANT TO GO HOME)

is a fancy-smancy museum run by French fries in Paree. It is quite famous for its hideous paintings and sculptures, including the Mona Lisa and the Jigsaw Puzzle.

Founding & Expansion[edit]

The Louvre was founded at an unknown date by a small group Buddhist monks looking for an outlet for their artistic cravings. It was originally intended to be built from divine cow shit and yummy monkey brains, but a revolt by the cows and their monkey brethren soon spoiled these plans. So, the monks used the works of other, lesser artists in the complete construction of the building. The ancient Corinthian columns of Greece were dismantled to make the walls of the building. The bracing was made of ancient Japanese metal-working. The carpets were made of the finest tapestries from Damascus.

They eventually became tired of seeing their shoddy pieces on the walls and opened their doors to more qualified artists. However, until 1932, one of the requirements for having one's art in the Louvre was that the artist must become a Buddhist monk and live in the Louvre for as long as their paintings stay on its walls. This strict requirement was removed after it realized that all good artists are dead.

Consequently, the Louvre began expanding and gaining masterpieces in its collection, and the monks faded away. In 1997, the new museum director hired the Taliban to kill the last remaining monks in the museum. The screams of the monks' spirits can still be heard throughout the museum at night, and some rumors say that one of the monks survived the slaughter and wanders about mad. "If we ever find this monk", said the director, "we'll kill him too."

In response, the monk fired back with "He'll never find me unless he looks in the Hotel Devagle! Oh, how I pray every night to Buddha that he will die soon!"

How to have your work in the Louvre[edit]

One might think it is dificult to get one's art into the most known art museum in the world. But, for the aspiring artists reading this, here are tips and methods for showcasing your crap at the Louvre. These are not steps, they are separate individual methods.

1. Mimicry. Mimicking the works of other artists is a great way of making your art Louvre-worthy. Paint a elephant with long skinny legs, or use a lot of blue.

2. Original Stuff. Make your art new and fresh. Like a loaf of bread right out of the oven. Don't just copy the ideas of others. No elephants with long skinny legs or lots of blue. And get an epiphany chair/hat/cow for thinking and getting inspiration.

3. Chop off your ear. It works.

4. Bring your art to new heights. Remember, Michaelangelo painted on the ceiling. In our modern world, you can beat that. Paint on the side of a skyscraper.

5. Sneak into the Louvre and hang your paintings on the walls, and put your sculptures in its halls. Caution: might lead to arrest, charges, and imprisonment.

6. Be a world renowned artist. This is the most reliable of the methods, although the hardest to achieve.

7. Stage your own death and live in the underground. All good artists are dead. So, stage your own death in a fake tragic, attention-grabbing event(such as a car crash or alien abduction), and continue to secretly live while having a representative push for the value of your crap to go up.

The Pyramid[edit]

In the middle of the Louvre is a pyramid, metallic in appearance. Most proclaim it to be the ugliest thing they have ever seen. Thus, many have pondered its creation and wondered how any man could have intentionally built such a hideous structure.

One theory for its creation says that the museum director was tripping on acid and drew a sort of crappy triangle on a piece of paper, which his servant slave mistook for plans for the creation of a pyramid. But his servant slave has since denied taking any part in this monstrocity. He then escaped to freedom. His name was Neb Niggly.

Another theory is that the pyramid is actually the tip of a gigantic drill underneath the ground, which Satan tried to use to escape hell and get back onto Earth. When asked about this, Satan merely said, "That was my best plan ever. Why did I have to run out of gas so close to the surface?!"

Homosexual Controversy[edit]

In the year of 666AD, the Louvre opened its exhibit of homosexual and homoerotic art pieces. While this was a popular move among the homosexual throngs, religious figures and homophobes were outraged. The Pope Dicdactus IG declared the Louvre to be the mark of the devil on Earth. This prompted Louvre director Dick Law to fire back with the creation of the Di Venca Code. Then Pope Dicdactus called Dick Law "really, really gay." As of now, the Homosexual and Homoerotic Exibit at the Louvre plans to stay and even has plans to expand.

Di Venca Code[edit]

The director of the Louvre, pissed off at the Pope for the incidious declaration, sold the rights to make a book about the Mona Lisa that proclaimed Jesus to be a man-whore. It also leaves hints that Jesus was constantly raping women and animals, but the book was a terrible failure that caused many Louvre visitors to spit at the Mona Lisa in disgust.

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