Lubu

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Lubu was the most legendary of legendary warriors during late Han Dynasty in China. He was best known for his ability to kill people efficiently and helped to down China's population from twenty million to a mere nineteen million during a period of approx. five years.

History[edit]

Lubu was originally known as the step-son of highly acclaimed leader and public speaker Ding Yuan, because no one knew the origins of his original father. There have been some claims though, that his original father died in a freak fire incident when Lubu was but a child. The claims state that his father was trying to teach him how NOT to use matches, but that Lubu instead decided to use them to light his own home on fire, proving that he was very violent even from the very start.

He was skilled at many things including: Martial arts, swordsmanship, and maybe rifle safety techniques.

During the time that all this was happening the tribe that called themselves the mustard scarf hats (or yellow turbans in some cultures) was gathering power under the mentally challenged leader Zhang Jiao. But right when it seemed there was no stopping them, a coalition formed under He Jin and put all the mustard hats back in their mental instructions. Peace had apparently come back to the Han.

But it was at this time that a greater evil was to come forth. The evil tyrant Dong Zhou took a look at the land, and seeing the doubt that the people had, the corruption of the Han, and the invasions from the South American Mongol tribes in the west, He took this to be his Platinum opportunity to take control of china and the money and power and cool stuff that came with it. He was also angry with the Han for not carrying pants in his size. At an evening dinner party that night, he called together every important person he could get to come, and then declared with a flourish,” I am Taking over the Han soon and think you should a part of the fun. Join me, and together we will rule the earth, etc.!"

But the acclaimed leader and public speaker Ding Yuan disagreed with Dong Zhou, stating, "Isn't it a bit risky to try something this absolutely idiotic, especially when you've just told your plan to all these people you don't even know you can trust?" "IF ONLY YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME BUT NOW YOU HAFTA' DIE!” shouted Dong Zhou, jumping up with sword conveniently in hand. Just then, Lubu stood up and said,” shut up" Dong Zhou took this rough torrent of words seriously, and sat down, speechless.

The next day, one of Dong Zhou's seemingly sort of loyal retainers came up and said” My lord I have the most stuploriously grandest idea. Let us employ master Lubu into our wondrous force of joy and giving." "Howz zat???" Dong Zhou said, still a bit wobbly from the wine he had had the night before. "All we need to do is offer him a gift and surely he will join us. I heard him say just last night 'My kingdom, my kingdom, my kingdom for a horse, and not a crappy one from Dong Zhou's dumb horse stable either. "So, we should give him one like, oh I don't know, Red Hare. You know, your most favoritist horse that can travel, like, a bajillion leagues across the sea in one day. The one you don't keep in your crappy stable." said the semi loyal retainer. "Gives it then.” Said Dong Zhou, falling over at that moment.

After the whole ordeal, the semi loyal retainer went to give Lubu the horse and to convince him to kill his own step father and come live joyfully with Dong Zhou forever.Lubu agreed, stabbed Ding Yuan in the throat and skipped merrily away with semi loyal retainer.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Lubu went on to kill his step father, Dong Zhou, steal a castle from another lordlier Bee,(Often mixed up with Lubu himself. Why does everyone have that problem)and get captured by one mince Coonan put to death by the sword. We can learn many things from great men like him.

Controversy[edit]

There has been much controversy over whether or not Lubu even really excited. Many people say Lubu is of mythical origin, like Achilles or The Flying Spaghetti Monster.This is in fact, a false statement. He and his name have been featured in many books like Romance of the seven continents and Horton Hears a Who.

Other Appearances[edit]

Lubu has also appeared in a number of video games and at national landmarks and such:

-in Dynasty Warriors, he appears as a beast that is apparently on steroids or something.

-In Romance of the Three Kingdoms, he also plays a beast type roll, but fewer steroids

-In Iowa, it is said that his face appeared in a crop circle.

-If you look at the Grand Canyon from space and squint, you can just make out the outline of his steed, Red Hare.

-There is a Monument dedicated to him in a cellar in The Lost City of Atlantis.