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Satan (real name "Lucifer Beelzebub Dingabingalong Jr."), known as the the Unholy Bitch of Darkness, or sometimes referred to as Ronald Mcdonald, has become more of a cliché threat over the years since global warming became a problem. However, Satan is still generally accepted as the not-so-secret source of all evil in the Universe, and Middle-Earth. Quite a feat. He has one brother, NHL Player Miroslav Šatan.

He has a pretty bad reputation and is generally disliked, except for people who listen to heavy metal, hip-hop, trance, country music, armenian chanting, and blink-182. This led many theologians throughout History to label Satan as the "Dork-in-chief", or the "Lord of Dorkness", although it is a fact known that Satan sometimes gets to have sex with red-skinned vampire chicks, crack cocaine junkie girls and Ebola-contracting bats as well, but not much with dork or nerdy girls like dorks get to sleep with (or dream of doing so) at lower levels in the hierarchy. Satan is a self described Fascist and donates heavily to the 21th Century Nazi Party a.k.a. known as the Republican Party.

Contrary to his notorious reputability, he isn't that bad of a guy. He enjoys long walks on short beaches, - Incidentally, "Footprints in the Sand was stolen from Satan, which was originally called "Hoofprints in the Sand" - drinking champagne with his friends after an evening out on the town, and skipping through flower filled meadows during the spring. Although the flowers do have a tendency to spontaneously combust on contact with his skin. He also throws killer luau parties.

Satanists also like Satan, but more because of the health benefits Satan has for his staff who are quoted as being "among the most disfigured beings in existence", as well as being the Satanic copyright owners of the snappy slogan "Free Heatin'" and "All the BBQ Meat You Can Eat - for Eternity!"

Many world leaders consider Satan to be an international threat, and he is often depicted as being a "not really nice guy", in the words of celebrity Drama student Keira Knightley (who we would all enjoy having copious amounts of sexual intercourse with - well, sexual fantasies with anyway.).

Contents 1 Career 2 Hobbies 3 Impersonators 4 Influence 5 Possession (9 Tenths of the Law) 6 Satan Today 7 Satan's Balls 8 Interesting Facts 9 Other aliases of Satan 9.1 See also

[edit] Career

Throughout his lifetime, Satan has proven to be a multi-talented multitasker: his curriculum vitae boasts over five hundred positions he has held both as a temporary and full-time employee. According to New York Times best-seller The Bible, he earned his position as Keeper of the Gates of Hell "the hard way," at a time when it was notoriously difficult to attain the position due to corporate corruption, nepotism.

In 1793 he had the whole world under the illusion that Ben Franklin was alive. In 1909, a coupling of Satan and Greek God Zeus spawned the birth of Leo Fender, the electric guitar, and by association, Metal music. By 1939 him and Adolf Hitler were total BFFLs. While the whole world watched as Hitler took over most of Europe, Hitler watched Satan do romantic poses in their East Germany getaway. Satan and Hitler broke up in 1945. That was the last time Satan made headlines until he invented the Twinkie.

In 1985 Satan invented Twinkies, which he named after his childhood nickname 'Shrinkie.' Today, Satan now owns Disney, where he is responsible for controlling pre-teenage minds all across the Globe. His mind control devices include, High School Musical, Jonas Brothers, and Hanna Montana. The Cheetah Girls wanted in on it too, but he felt their use would be too obvious.

Prior to his current position, Satan excelled at various professions, some of which he practices part-time to this day. According to a report in the monthly publication Fangoria, he is still an authorized distributor of self-improvement brochures and books on tape for Amway (now Quixstar), which song writer and actress Paris Hilton credited with "giving me the motivation to get up off my ass, and do something meaningful with my inheritance". In a telephone interview with Pat Robertson, Satan mentioned that this is one of his "proudest accomplishments, since I'm by no means a natural salesman."

Satan has served a considerable amount of time as a Zombie Hunter. Although he has only taken on one Zombie (Jesus of Nazareth) the zombie is particularly well backed. He took on his quest to purify the world of zombies upon the first ones appearance. The Zombie came out of someone else's tomb, and then took to the streets. This first well known attack is know as "The feeding on the five thousand"

Satan’s most recent job was president of the United States, under the pseudonym George W. Bush (an anagram of Prince of Darkness [all great sources of evil must develop pseudonyms from anagrams... Take Voldemort, for example]). While employed he started two wars and led a good portion of the country to bankruptcy, sending innumerable bankers to Hell for his sole entertainment (God isn't the only deity with a fucked-up sense of humor). One notable exception to this is a homosexual man named Henry Paulson, who married Satan on July 21st 1999 in Montpelier, Vermont.

Satan and Henry Paulson broke it off in 2003. Now Satan resides in his Los Angeles home getting monthly BJs from boyfriend Perez Hilton.

Satan doesn't remember he was the one that started Evangelicans. He also was the one that created flowers, hot sauce, the North Pole, and gold miners. Satan was also president of the United States from 2000-2009. He went by the name of George Bush. Unsatisfied with simply fucking up the country he ran again as John McCain, and was determined to make Pokemon into a reality. His favorite poke is Clamperl for unknown reason. He is also currently Cocking with Sarah Palin though it is rumored that she likes to lead.

[edit] Hobbies

Satan is also an accomplished fiddler, and routinely plays with a band of demons at various venues in Georgia. Satan also owns the world's largest Porno Collection known to any mortal civilization which even rivals Pee Wee Herman's extensive collected works. His favorite Adult movie, to this day, features a disorderly priest anal probing Mother Theresa while three midget diseased orphan's pack shit and piss down her throat. The movie is called "Righteous Sodomy #14: Bible Fight Night."

He is also rumored to enjoy Cheez Whiz and hot chocolate with just a smidgen of whipped cream.

It is a little known fact that Satan and Hitler meet every Thursday night to sip virgin coladas and sew clothing made from the asses of the men who acted in Hogans Heroes. But, because of decree 132 of the God Controls the Devil Act of 1945, Hitler receives the daily punishment of the insertion of a pineapple into his anus.

Every Thursday Satan and every dead pope get together for a game of "Fistfuck an 8 year old". Satan is closing on the lead currently held by Pope Clement II, who is known for his double-jointed-internal-reach-around technique. Satan is still the undisputed champion of the annual "Cum on the Autistic" relay race held on Jerry Falwell's birthday. Satan, Hitler, and Lord Voldemort also enjoy long sessions of quiditch and watching lethal weapon on TBS. He enjoys taking long walks in the park with his dog 'Fluffy' and his girlfriend (God).

[edit] Impersonators

Satan, like Elvis, has often been a source of inspiration to impersonators, perhaps because of his debonair attire and intriguing personality. Notable Satanic impersonators have been (in no particular order): Saddam Hussein, Charles Manson, George W. Bush, Tourettes Guy, Megatron, Marylin Manson, Martha Stewart, Osama Bin Laden, James Wong, and Skeletor. Glenn Danzig has often been cited as the only one with the style to impersonate the Devil, although Satan himself is not in danger of been trodden on by most average-sized men. Chase Tremblay most accomplished impersonator, having sown the psychological seeds of the utter end of society far and wide in his sinister "children's books." Also a young boy named Ryan Staley has been convicted on several accounts of raping little boys in the name of satan. Making demonic rituals on his front door with his blood and fucking gorrila's are also his favorite pastime. If you ever see him call 1-304-972-6325 and report him to this helpline. Thank you for your time.

[edit] Influence

Common knowledge attributes Satan with inspiring the genre of music known as Heavy Metal. Satan Himself is a virtuoso of the electric guitar: a 1978 article in Guitarist magazine described his style as "faster than the speed of light and decidedly bad-ass." Among the Heavy Metal personalities that claim to have business relations with Satan are the bands Cannibal Corpse, Behemoth, Slayer, Dethklok, Emperor, Dimmu Borgir, and every past and present member of the band Venom. His wife, Margret 'Why isn't she dead yet' Thatcher, in an exclusive interview to HELLO Magazine that he is secretley a massive fan of Dolly Parton. However, in a statement issued as a response to Christian groups, he remarked that "Many of these so-called 'Satanists' would not realise if they found themselves in Hell." This has been amusing him since the early to mid 20th century, when he invented record companies.

Satan's influence extends well beyond the field of music. He is also credited with inventing the popular role-playing game known as Dungeons and Dragons that on occasion has inspired teenagers to commit group suicide.

Satan invented the blues after his first wife, Harry Potter, left him on a train. After months of binging on hell-o-win (pronounced 'heroin' by the godless Japanese) Satan decided to express himself musically. As a "fuck you" to Harry, Satan decided take revenge by creating Southerners.

[edit] Possession (9 Tenths of the Law)

As covered in the U.S. documentary film The Exorcist, Satan occasionally enjoys taking control of otherwise innocent people, a phenomenon known as possession. While under Satan's spell, subjects appear overcome by insanity, often mumbling complete nonsense, as evidenced by this excerpt from a previous contribution to this Uncyclopedia page, written while under Satan's influence:

The day Satan gave birth to Hitler...many Holy Warriors were brought down from Heaven to expel him from his...acts of evilness...such as Sonic the Hedgehog, M. Night Shyamalan,Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde, Master Chief and Chris Brown.

Note that the above sentence is pure fiction, and that the writer has since been cured. However, he still suffers from bouts of complete idiocy and verbal diarrhea.

[edit] Satan Today

Satan can now be found in the deepest bowels of Hell, otherwise known as France. Satan also spends large amounts of his time minionising his fellow demons and humans on earth. His powerful call of "MINION" has been known to fell even the strongest men. Satan has also decided to take up the task of overseeing Apple Computers in the absence of Steve Jobs due to sex change operation that went wrong. Satan has had quite a lot of trouble with making Mac's useful, but is confident that he will eventually figure out what the fuck Mac's were intended to do.

[edit] Satan's Balls

It is a well known fact, that at one point in Satan's life, his ballsack fell from the rest of his being. This ballsack went on to grow into a human baby. This baby was adopted by two Jews and named him ryan russian. ryan went on to rule Cuba as a dictator under the alias of benito musalini. He was last seen jacking off to a danial munoz dancing nude.

[edit] Interesting Facts

• Satan was the Executive Producer for movies such as The Sound of Music, Horton Hears a Who, Mission Impossible, Disaster Movie, both of the Narnia movies, Mama Mia, Gigli, Pearl Harbor and every single Disney movie ever created.

• Satan is a great horticulturalist. He grew various flowers in Hell at one stage, but because of the harsh climate and the extremely poor rainfall, the only plants that are able to survive in Hell are Cacti, Ferns, Bonsais, and, if you play his records backwards, Robert Plant.

• Satan was the Brigadier General of the U.S Air Force during the Civil War. He was also President Lincoln's top political advisor.

• Satan considered a run for vice-president of the U.S.A in 2008 along with Elizabeth Hasselbeck; but unfortunately Bubba gave Satan the "willies."

• Satan is the little known founder and creator of the Waveboard

• Satan was also behind L's death in Death Note

• Satan is the one who created the terrible movie "E.T.". God was enfuriated with him for that one, didn't speak to him for months.

• Satan actually hates Led Zepplin and fucked up ther song Stairway To Heaven because they sould there souls but didn't make a song about him. I mean i dont really blame him you know. It's like "Here have my soul but F.Y.I. I wont make a song about you". I mean you gotta admit thats a kick in the goat balls which Satan stole from Noah's favorite goat.

• Satan once had a game of russian roulette with bigfoot, jesus, the easter-bunny and the abominable snowman.

• On the 9/9/09 an upside down Satan appeared to unleash hell upon the Earth. Unfortunately due to being upside down he suffered major spinal injuries, leading a brief death. It was later found that this was simply an imposter.

[edit] Other aliases of Satan

• Micheal Jackson
• Ronald McDonald
• Kenny G
• Mozart
• Santa Clause (though there were rumours saying that dyslexics reported his appearance on christmas. Maybe they were drunk or bunch of playboy bunnies)

[edit] See also

• Hell
• Christianity
• Dante
• Death Metallicca
• Ayn Rand
• Teletubbies
• Devil
• Evil
• Doom
• Church of Satan
• Electric Lucifer
• Atheism_(religion)
• Legend of Zelda
• Minion
• Stan
• Ozzy Osbourne
• Blizzard Entertainment
• Tigger
• Saddam Hussain
• Pope
• Hitler
• Uncyclopedia
• Vince Mcmahon
• Perez Hilton

Quasi-Quasi-Featured Article This article was nominated to become a featured article but due to a disgusting level of voter apathy which would have our forefathers centrifuging in their graves it didn't even come close. It's probably just too refined for you philistines to understand.