Lumpy the Cook

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“This is one bad S.O.B. you don't want to mess with... I mean, god damn!”

~ Captain Obvious on cowardice

“This bitch ain't got nothin' on me.”

~ 50 Cent on Lumpy the Cook

“On the contrary my friend, I believe he has EVERYTHING on you.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the above statement

Samual J. Leiberson, AKA "Lumpy the Cook", is a professional bounty hunter/assassin. He is rumoured to have killed over 30 people since the year 2000, and is currently #27 on the FBI's Top Wanted list. He is on the run from national authorities and considered armed and highly dangerous.

If you see this man, please take time to contact the federal authorities.

A Brief History of "Lumpy the Cook"[edit]

The FBI has not released much information regarding Lumpy the Cook, but pieces of his "past" have been put together through records concerning his alleged history.

The man known as Samual Johann Leiberson was born in the late 1950s in Western Belguim, to a poor nurse living alone in a forest cottage. Growing up, Samual "took great pleasure in the torture of animals, and occasionally, other people". He arrived in the United States sometime in then mid-70's, wanting to fulfill his dream of becoming the world's greatest commercial chef. His dreams were quashed, however, when a near-fatal sushi-slicing accident relieved him of his beloved right eye. Embarassed, and unable to cook the delightful delicacies favored by the societal elite, he fled into years of hermitage, where he emerged a changed man. He was no longer Samual J. Leiberson, but instead, the surly and contemptuous "Lumpy the Cook".

Lumpy quickly came to work in the Mafia shortly after his arrival back to society, working as a low-class hitman for a few grand a hit, or as he called it, "just enough to get around". He decided to split from the Mafia and start a new business for his own, using his former alter-ego of a surly chef to disguise himself amongst an everyday crowd. He has since then became one of America's most armed and highly dangerous assassins, and a bane to the slime of the criminal underworld.

Sample of Lumpy's "Hit List"[edit]

In early 2004, the FBI decided to unveil to the public a brief sample of a list found at a East Chicago apartment believed to be a former hideout of Lumpy the Cook. The list contains eight people, which the FBI stated as"... a fairly insignificant amount [of people] compared to the horrifying scale of this list".

The FBI released a statement classifying Lumpy as "armed and highly dangerous."

The sample is as follows:

It is also important to note that in their investigation of the apartment, the authorities found two words, written in human blood, sprawled across the bathroom floor: "Bloody Nora!".