Lydia Lunch

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lydia Lunch.
Lydia, Supreme and All-Powerful Goddess of Lunch

Wielding supreme divine power over all meals eaten between 11 AM and 2 PM, Lydia, Goddess of Lunch first appeared to modern-day human worshippers over New York in 1959, though her mythos dates back to the Copper Hair-Dye Age. She has been identified with many powerful goddesses from several ancient cultures, including Isis, Vishnu, Brunhilde, and Betty Rubble.

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Followers of the Church of Lydia show their devotion by gathering in nightly prayer rituals consisting of several hours of headbanging, bodyslamming, necktwisting, hairpulling, earbiting, groinkneeing, and anklespraining. At the end of these sessions, all of the faithful settle down at a communal table for hamburgers, fries, and a 12-oz. soft drink.

According to theologists, Lydia is an extremely jealous goddess, and will kick your ass and beat you senseless if she finds you fooling around with some other chick. In addition, Lydian acolytes are advised to not mess with any of her shit, quit stealing her clothes, and especially to avoid trying to check out what's in her medicine cabinet.

Lydia's sacred fortress is deep underground within the impenetrable darkness of Nick Cave. From there, she emanates an awesome and unstoppable sonic attack on the senses and minds of weak-willed humans who refuse to do her bidding. From those who resist her, she demands terrible sacrifices — often as high as $18.99 (US) for her latest CD.


See also: