Lynne Cheney

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Lynne Cheney exerting her evil power.

Her Honorable Prune Face Extrodinare Lynne Cheney IV (April 12, 1999- December 25, 2004) was a well-known censor and overly-active Republican who was best known for her protest of the English language.


In the year 1999, Wyoming senator Dick Cheney decided that he needed a partner in crime to combat the boil on human society known as "Freedom of Speech." Realizing this need, Cheney decided to first find somebody who was currently alive; he decided to make it a woman so as not to be seen (as he called it) as "some hippie gay". Hillary Clinton was his first choice, but she was too busy kicking her husband in the crotch over and over again (an act known as sexual intercourse). He then attempted to recruit Tipper Gore, but before she could accept, she committed suicide by listening to a John Denver album and having her head explode from "all the horrible lyrics" of the song "Rocky Mountain High."

Frustrated, Cheney decided to create his own wife. (His own had "died" when she attempted to gain employment in the 1970s, an event that neither Cheney nor his daughter has spoken about since.) Creating a blueprint from instructions from the novels Frankenstein and Mein Kampf, Cheney (using mostly partly melted steel, rubber bands, and prune juice for blood) created a creature that he named "Lynne Cheney." These ingredients were necessary to make her appear ugly enough to actually marry somebody like Dick Cheney. To further the illusion of married life, Cheney brainwashed his daughter into believing that Lynne had birthed and raised her.

Unleashing Unto the World[edit]

Lynne Cheney was first thrust into the spotlight when she spoke out against various musical artists in late 1999, among them: Eminem, Ice T, Barney, Frank Sinatra (even though he was dead by that time), Pope John Paul II, and every musician registered as a Democrat. Unfortunately, by doing this, she crossed over into territory owned by Tipper Gore, which led to a battle that lasted for two straight days and ended when Al Gore, in an ill-guided attempt, kissed Tipper to give her more power and inadvertently swallowed her face, killing her. Lynne then decapitated Al with a CD.

Feeling empowered by this victory, Lynne soon decided to expand her power to the entire English language and all the people who supported it, soon attacking newspapers, novels, See-n-Say, and even braille. Soon, all language usage fell under her control, and those who didn't comply with her rules would have to stare at her face (hideously deformed by the wrinkling prune juice running through her veins) for hours on end as punishment, leading to her nickname of Darth Sideous.

Still unsatisfied, Cheney soon began to attack everyday decisions that people made. Among her chief actions were:

  • Breaking a man's legs for choosing a cheese bagel over a raisin bagel.
  • Cracking a young girl's skull for asking to go to the bathroom without addressing Mrs. Cheney as "her excellency."
  • Burning down an entire supermarket because somebody choose paper instead of plastic.
  • Pissing on the floor of Neiman Marcus, because they didn't have an ostrich crotchless thong in her size.


By December 2004, Lynne Cheney had run out of things to hate in the world. Feeling as if she had no choice, she decided the only choice left was to become a Democrat and hate Republicans. On Christmas Day, she ordered a fire station open to switch parties. However, upon the completion of the switch, Cheney's body rejected the change, and the prune juice in her veins boiled, causing her to spontaneously combust and leading to her explosion.

Cheney's death led to a power struggle for control over Freedom of Speech, a battle eventually won by a joint collaboration between George W. Bush and Fred Phelps

See Also[edit]