M16
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“While the M8 was invented by Jesus, the M16 was invented by France.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The M16
“... its not even useful as a dildo, and, trust me, I would know.”
~ Bill Clinton on The M16
“FUCK! It jammed!”
~ an American soldier on The M16
“FUCK! It jammed again!”
~ an American soldier on The M16
“FUCK! The firing pin broke... oh hang on... no it hasn't, it just jammed again.”
~ The same American soldier on The M16
“Free Fire zone with my M-16, Vendetta burns inside!”
~ Sodom on The M16
“Wiped out their lives, for eyes unseen! Mercy chilling to the freezing point! To the War!”
~ Sodom on Further reiterating on The M16
The M16 (also known as "The Shitstick" as its smooth plastic handguards and buttstock are ideal for ramming up the arse), was invented in 1916 as a "better" way to kill Asians. The affectionately known "Shitstick" is America's answer to the AK-47 and is the most popular American weapon of all time, with a record setting 36 guns produced. The M16 family have also produced several girly variants, many knock-off copycats, the infamous "Hello Kitty" rifle (designed for Adam Carroll) and Paris Hilton. The M16 is popular with Nobody, but unfortunately the last of the "Nobody" family line passed away on August 17, 1998, making the M16 the "least loved gun of all time". In that same year, the weapon was listed as "The most useless weapon to use in Russian Roulette", "The 2nd most hated weapon of all time" and, won 3 Grammy "Awards". The M16 has also been voted Time Magazine's "Most despised dictator" just beating Castro, Mugabe and Good ol' Dubbah Bush to claim the title.
The M16 works though a impingement gas-actuated, air-cooled automatic rifle with a rotating bolt, which then propels a lead projectile through the air really fast.
Regardless of its usefulness, the M16 has been immortalized through NAM, video games about NAM and the Vietnam War, forever cementing its place in America's so-called "history" and "culture".
Recently, it was announced that the sport of "Unjamming an M16" would be made an Olympic sport in London 2012. Winners are expected to be announced in 4205.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] The Devil's New Trident
The story of the iconic rifle begins with Eugene Stoner, a perpetually drunk janitor at Armalite, a gun company that no one ever wanted to own. One day, after unclogging several extremely backed-up toilets, Stoner suddenly thought of a brilliant design for a new firearm. He ignored it, and, instead, plagiarized every gun he could find. unfortunately, being a janitor, he could not actually buy any of these weapons and thus had to settle for peering through windows of gun shops and taking notes while nodding in a scholarly manner. The result was the very sexual, nuclear powered but falling apart AR-10. The Military simply laughed, giving each other high-5s for totally irrelevant "Yo Momma" jokes at the very mention of Stoner's "weapon".
Stoner, still very drunk and assuming his plan was working, then diverted his attention to the "killing bulletish thingys". The prevailing idea on bullets at the time was based on a new drug, Viagra - the bigger, the better. Stoner, having only one testicle and no penis, shivered at the concept and was puzzled by this fetish with genitalia enhancement, and opted for a smaller round. This move made it possible to fit an additional one round into the magazine (At the unimportant cost of efficiency, price and penetration). Stoner, with his high alcohol content munition and his renamed and "LESS" *cough cough* plagiarized AR-15, entered for another military contract.
Again, the idea was not well received by anyone, not even Stoner himself. After a disastrous test involving multiple jams, peanut butter and am electric eel, Stoner abandoned any chance of getting a legitimate military contract. After this he marketed the gun to young kids, around the age of seven or nine. This worked surprisingly well, but he was too drunk to notice. After firing his lawyer (With an AK47, as his Ar-15 jammed), Stoner left Armalite and joined Colt, a more manly, established, revolver-wielding, in-your-face, and equally drunk company who gratefully bought the AR-10 and 15 patents.
After a series of struggles within the military ranks, and with the help of a few mobsters, as was the trend in the 1950s, Stoner finally had his way, with the military accepting his "weapon", under pressure due to the developing tensions in Vietnam. Armalite was crying, Colt was laughing, Stoner was getting drunk and everyone else was reading the Sunday paper. Meanwhile , there came the Groovy 60's.
[edit] Vietnam War
At the heights of the Cold War, hordes of somewhat unfortunate American soldiers were sent to Vietnam to subdue a communist revolt. As usual, each draftee was issued an M14 rifle. However, these battle rifles were designed to harness the malicious essence of a tax rise, and thus whenever the soldiers ran into a gunfight, guns blazing, they got hit in the nuts by the gun, and then were audited by the Vietcong combatants wielding AK47's, also in the nuts. That hurt, a lot. So much so that the generals were, very reluctantly, and only after spending thousands of dollars on medical fees, awkward telegrams and "So you've lost your fertility" cards, forced to switch to M16, which they fancily named XM16E1, based on the average times the gun jammed when firing a 30 round magizine, and to make the gun sound more "Next-Gen".
Back in those days, misinformation was all the rage. Colt claimed that their rifle was a "toilet seat that one never needs to brush," a "duck that could float", and "Better than Oscar Wilde." Thus, they made no warning on the Pentagon's switch to a new more alcohol-based gunpowder recipe, created by Ronald Reagan's wife. The claims were ludicrous, and the famous one-liner "Fuck! It jammed again!" was born as a direct consequence. The soldiers eventually found it easier to simply use their new "XM16E1" rifles as clubs, fancy helmet racks and gravestones. The official manual of the XM16 listed these, and lighting cigarettes and BBQs, as the main uses for M16s. The M16 then displayed its ability at sucking at everything by failing to do even this right, as seen in Episode 14 of Magnum PI. Recent Malboro Studies show however, that the M16 is better at lighting cigars compared to shooting people, leading to a new line of ZIPPO M16 lighters, currently being promoted to the French armed forces.
In spite of the poor performance of the weapons, the generals stoutly refused to give up hope. In a series of impressively decisive decisions, they introduced the use of a somewhat flammable substance known as "napalm" to improve lighting conditions for soldiers attempting to unjam their m16's, and introduced a myriad of gaseous defoliating chemicals to further improve visibility. They sought to bring these useful tools to their troops quickly, to prevent as many casualties as possible, and so brushed aside red tape and un-patriotic talk of "side effects" of obvious communist sympathizers. The casualties of the Vietcong subsequently increased.
[edit] Aftermath + Variants
The XM16E1 rifle was a disaster. Ashamed, Stoner switched back from rum to beer and Colt released cleaning kit, which was just ANOTHER M16, with a toilet brush instead of a barrel. Many draftees used it during rifle cleaning sessions in boot camps and ended up with various, Inexplicable, and interesting injuries around the pelvic region. As a result of this, the fertility rate fell dramatically and the baby boom finally came to an end. A variant of M16 was also later accidentally developed to increase Jam incidents, while making it look SLIGHTLY more deadly. A deception that runs to today.
Despite Stoner's protest at the stupidity of the new design (he called it "too original"), the US Army adopted the variant as M16A1. So, as Woodstock rocked on and the boomers got all wild on their weed, while everyone was distracted, the M16 practically cemented its place as the American rifle for life.
Later, several newer variants were released, starting with the M16A2, which, the military claimed, could be used as a landmine, halftrack, postcode, motorway AND an actual weapon. A serious of mysterous incidents involving hit and runs, explosions and GTA IV followed. Jewish politicians also forced Stoner to change the full-auto into a 3-round burst mode. Most military officials weren't worried about this on the basis that "Heck, it jams up on the 3rd round ANYWAY". Some troops didn't see it that way, complaining that the 3-round burst "affected their manhood", and some demanded that another full-auto variant be made.
Since ripping things off and releasing them under a new name was all in the rage in the 1980, taking New Coke's lead, Colt came up with the NEW M16A3, which, was basically just like the M16A1 except it was modeled as "New", "Tough" and "Sugar-free". This didn't convince the troops that actually had to use the gun, complaining it jammed more than ever as well as being too sour.
Eventually, the military decided in the 90s it was time to make yet another cheap knockoff to give to troops as a "New rifle". So, the designers at Colt put a picatinny rail on an old M16A2, so that troops could attach knick-knacks and bling-bling to personalise their rifles. Fortunately, the new groovy war of the time, the first iRaq war or desert storm, wasn't fought by guns, but from planes and with smart bombs. Some considered this cheating, but, many simply didn't care. In the rare occurrence of a firefight, soldiers just stole their AR's M249 SAW, and, thanks to its "useful" function of being able to fire M16 clips won them some battles. (Though, ironically, the M249s jammed when M16 mags were used. It spreads like AIDS.) The same was the case for the 2nd iRaq war, or iRaqi freedom, but more whinging and crying was involved.
As for stoner, well, he didn't quite get the hint and invented several other so-called "guns", one of which was later found to actually be a clock radio found with happy meals. When questioned on this, Stoner maintained that it was, unarguably, an imaginative idea.
[edit] The Present
Unfortunately, the M16 continues to be the military's weapon of choice - for some weird, unexplainable reason. Its reputation hasn't improved in recent years, with infantry combat expert Liz Phair comparing its excellence to the kisses of a most passionate gentleman caller [1].
Several alternatives have been created to rid the world of the M16, with a series of trials taking place to see who would replace the M16 as "The next American Idol". However, The M16 has evolved to become a survivor of sorts, as none of the other rifles meet the ridiculous expectation of being "at least twice as good as Oscar Wilde".
Recently, it was revealed that the army conducts its trials using a few dodgy old Xbox 360s and pirated copies of COD4, shedding further light on why the M16 seems to do so well in trials. The army has no plans to stop this practice, saying that "Video games are total reflections on real life. It's total realism. War in real life is just like COD4 except better graphics and no spawn points. It's all about the headshots! BOOM HEADSHOT!"
Not many people are aware, however, that the m16 can easily suffice for a condom.
Potential Saviors included the H&K XM8, The SCAR, and now the 416. That's like picking the quiet, skinny Asian kid ahead of Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis or Batman to be your backer in a fight.
That pretty much kills any hopes we have of getting this crap off the street.
Thankfully, Stoner died in 1997 from cancer, preventing him from creating any more crimes against humanity. The cancer has since been hailed an national hero and has been posthumorously awarded a copy of Gears Of War for his valiant sacrifice. However, Stoner managed to sneak out several other designs that have also made their way into the military, so other uncyclopedia articles about him are likely. http://www.looks-cool.co.uk/games/img/Kitten%20Cannon.jpg the first design of the M-16
[edit] Use in Other Armed Forces
- Australian Defence Force - The ADF 3rd Battalion use a modified version of the M4A1 when conducting urban operations and playing Counter-Strike. It's good to note that the gun doesn't jam, it vegemites.
- New Zealand self defending non Defence Force - The NZSDNDF Mountaineers use the M16 in their "Special Sheep Taskforce"
- South Korean Defence Force - The SKDF Police Squad use many M16 variants, all built by Daewoo, whose chairman won the license in a game of pass-the-parcel with Dick Cheney.
- Chinese Peoples' Liberation Army - The Chinese army use the M16 for propaganda reasons - "Even China will never produce this shitbrick of a weapon." - Comparing it to vomit, Microsoft and the weapon of choice for retards with an IQ lower than their shoe size. Of course, they're lying, as they produce their own copy called the Norinco CQ.
- The Empire - It has been widely regarded by the clone army that the 9mm variant of the M4 is superior in every way to the Wookiee bowcaster, and as such has been used on many campaigns to worlds where Wookiees live such as Endor, Kashyyyk and of course Woodstock in the 1960's.
- Estonian shipping LTD - It is commonly known that the Estonian shipping CO. bought several of these guns of the Americans for the purpose of trying to use them to catch fish recent atempts have been unsucsesful recent news indicates the estonians are fitting an infa-red laser on to it.
- The Canadian Defence Force - Used by Mounties for moose-hunting and road-sign-collecting. In their ever lasting-but-limited wisdom, the Canadians have made their own version of the M16, attaching an mp3 player instead of a clip which also fires free health benefits.
- Islamic Republic of Iran Army - Ripped off the Norinco CQ & made a version called the S-5.56 (what happened to 5.56s A-R?) Further developed into a bullpup weapon called the Khaybar KH-2002.
- North Korea - After hearing about the M16 and sulking in the corner after missing out during pass-the-parcel, North Korea spent 20 years and over 500 dead political prisoners to build its own, ever-jamming M16, parading it and finally triumphantly detonating it underground. Er... Woops?
- Japan-Japan and other countries use The Hello Kitty Rifle,an M-16 and AR-15 variant.
- SWAT Teams- Buys dozens of unnecessary rifles, just because they look good on C.O.P.S. Use them to point and threaten morons who've never seen a real gun in their lives and think that the M16 is actually a threat. Is the weaker precursor to pepper spray.
- Eugene Stoner- a man who is always stoned because he cannot live with the fact that he cannot kill himself with own gun, because he designed such a shitty rifle, he has succeeded only in making himself go bald.
- Female soldiers in the army have their friends shoot their crotches with the whimpy M4, as it "feels awesome."
- North Pole Armed Forces- Used to produce global warming and to cause pollution related diseases to invaders of the the North Pole.
[edit] Variants
Mentioned:
- M16/XM16E1 - Stoner's "original" AR-15 design.
- M16A1 - Later variant adopted because Those dumb fucks at warshington are fucking retarded!!
- M16A2 - Designed
to satisfy Jewish politiciansto fire only 3 shot burst and beheaviermore reliable - M16A3 - Same as the A2, but can fire fully-automatic,
however it jams every fucking second so it doesn't matterwhich is GREAT. - M16A4 - Same as the A2, but comes with with an accessory rail to hold a removable carrying rail or a wide variety of
useless junkoptics. - M16A5 - Following the "retro" trend, the A5 is just the XM16, complete with jamming, absent cleaning kit and Vietcong booby traps.
- M16A435 - The 435th revision of the M16 for issue in the US Army 3002, refitted with LASERS (That jam), a small-scale portable LHC collider (Also jams) combined with the complete dissatisfaction of owning an M16.
[edit] Weapons based upon the M16
- M4 - A smaller carbine version easier for The Weak Motherfuckers in teh Armed Forcez, alhtough teh gun is a Short-ranged piece of shit, it jams alot less, so the Average Joe complains alot less about this Cheap pile of slag.
- M4A1 - Full auto M4 variant used by fat kids who play COD4 24/7, on the bright side you can kill more Commies at a faster rate, without the frequent jamming of the MShitsteen(M16).
- XM-177 (a.k.a. the Colt Commando) - An extremely short version of the M16 its even smaller then your mom's dick. Which is pretty damn small.
- Model 635 - Shorter than the Colt Commando, & fires toilet plungers and baby shit.
- The well-known Hello Kitty rifle is another variant of the M16, but only differs from the slight infusement from the m4 carbine, thus making it the happy rifle.
- Apply Inc. iM16 - Designed by Apple in
ChinaCalifornia. Basically it jams slightly less than a real M16, looks like a REAL futuristic gun... but er... for ONLY twice the cost. Features unique reloading system. (Fire bullets > Put gun in envelop with cash > Send to apple > Get it back. BAM. Reload) - Microsoft Zune16 - Crappy copy of the iM16. Comes in the exciting colors of black, white or crap (brown).
- Colgate M16 Electric Toothbrush - The M16's direct competitor in the oral hygiene market is the AK47 nuclear powered electric toothbrush. The M16 was made for Americans desperate for a good toothbrush(remember, America didn't want to rely on Russian products, and proving that Russia was in fact better). Though the M16 boasts as a lightweight and controllable
weapontooth brush, it was faced with problems. The battery (cleverly placed in the butt) overheated, and resulted in spontaneous combustion. Also, the M16 is known to 'jam' alot, and sweet jam supports our enemy, tooth decay. - EmmSixTeen - An M16 derivative with an oversized buttstock that touches the floor along with a bipod, the stock on this model enables the user to have better stability and can also wack it over someones head. Also the EmmSixTeen has features such as a mini TV, and a detachable Power Rangers figure incase you get bored.
[edit] Foreign Copies
- La France M16K - It's a french gun, so, you know
it sucks shit and is made while they screw their mistressesits almost as good as the AK47! - Diemaco C7 - Canadian made M16. Fires either Maple syrup or health benefits and has an MP3 player instead of a magazine, eh.
- Diemaco C8 - Carbine version of the C7. Made out of moose skin.
- HK416 - After the Army's 10 trillion dollar "How do we improve the shitty piston-less M16 without putting a piston in it?" research project, HK did the unthinkable and put a piston in it. The system was immediately assassinated by the
Gay-gambling-pandasDemocrats in fear that it might win the war in Iraq. it was later reported that several weapon specialists killed themselves with it because they thought it was the m16. - Barrett REC7 (pronounced "Wreck 7", aka M468) - A conversion kit for the M16 that fires 6.8mm Remington SPC rounds, so you can kill badguys even deader. It is so good, until it jams. It is so good that we used it to kill the stupid fuck who entered it in this section, which is meant for FOREIGN FUCKING GUNS!!!
[edit] This Gun Has Seen Action in...
- The Second Anal Gulf War
- <List all wars between NAM and the iRaq war here>
- Nam (Non-Aligned Movement) community
- Hollywood movies.
- Bollywood movies.
- Dick Cheney's lawyer hunting trips.
- Israeli rape against Terrorists
- C.O.P.S (Purely as a prop)
- Your Mom
- Counter Strike Pwnage
- Rambo
- Chuck Norris
- Bush visits Bin-laden
- 24--unknown
- CSI-maybe
- Other things
