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General Cornwallis Self Portrait and passport Photo

MFI (Motherwell Farming Institute) is the premier farming technology development center and training college in the world. Situated in picturesque Motherwell and founded by general Cornwallis in 1805 to develop and test farming techniques to counter the Welsh Leek crop failure and the Irish potatoe Famine. It was in direct competition with MDF (Manchester Design school for Farming). MFI later branched out into interior design and now solely focuses on home decoration.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about MFI.

Origins of MFI[edit]

Druing the 1790's the United Kingdom was undergoing seriosuly bad famines of everything from Gin to Haggis but most importantly leeks and Potatoes, the staple diets of the Welsh and Irish. Prime Minister Lord Henry Bambledach had tried to solve the crisis by importing cheap labour from Poland. This failed as they Polish didn't have the resources to plant Leek Trees and enough Potatoe seeds to sustain the population. Lord Bambledach exhausted retired to the House Of Lords to break the news. Ireland and Wales were done for, unless something was found to remedy the problem and someone brave enough to go through with it. Lord Bambledach is quoted to have said "Come Hither For seuth, for i have grave newes to deliver to thee!. ye Olde Ireland and Wales are all but gone, for there be no remedy to this most serious of quandries". However his right honourable friend Lord Humbledinck came hoovering into chambers and announced STOP! for do not act right now,for i hath scoured thyne land from the very most intricate reigons of John O' Groats to the hive of scum and Villany known as Canvey Island and hath found a solution that whill rock thy world!. Introducing General Cornwallis!!.

At which point General Cornwallis came billowing into chambers arms held aloft on a chariot made from the Bones of his vanquised foes and proceded to make a speach that even the famed Welsh propagandist Ludacris would have been proud to make. Transcripts of the meeting have since been lost but we do know that at the conclusion of the meeting General Cornwallis was appointed Minister Of keeping It Real And Agriculture. From this he set off for Motherwell to scout locations for the "Motherwell Farming Institute".


Back in the day as your would say, travel was much much harder and took twice as long maybe even twice as twice as long, making it one whole journy longer than now, or is it one journey and a half longer? anyway the point is that travelling was shit and boring. General Cornwallis stopped his convoy in the walled city of York for a bit of R and R followed by a hardcore party which General Cornwallis said would be "A party the likes of which had never been seen!". It started at 8pm BST and lasted till 8pm BST the next evening. Sources say that this was because General Cornwallis is the party king and the coolest man since Gengis Kahn. Great Vats of mead were quaffed, Sides of ham devoured and fair maidens "enlightened", General Cornwallis is said to have invented the Spit Roast that evening. he got loads. Lord Nelson Mandela send a text to General Cornwallis to help repel the spanish invasion of everywhere. He declined.

Arrival In The Central belt Of Scotland[edit]

Upon Ariving in Scotland General Cornwallis evacuated his bejewled carridge, flicked his long flowing hair like that of jesus (only jesus,Ross Noble and the general have this hair) and donned his Oakley blades and proclaimed "This patch of wasteground will be the saviour of britain and her empire!". This "wasteground" turned out to be Glasgow. One drunk and or annoyed resident of Glasgow told General Cornwallis to "Fuck aff! ya prick pepo' live heer ya dafty, noo git tae!". this turned out to be Alex Salmond. general Cornwallis was heard to remark "what? people actualy LIVE here? are they mad cruickshank?". The procession set off for Motherwell.

Finding Motherwell[edit]

Motherwell farming Club

2 days later General Cornwallis and his expadtionary force arrived in the great city of Motherwell. and found a patch of land inbetween Motherwell and the town of Christine Hamilton (later renamed Hamilton). general Cornwallis decided to let his forces have a rest after 3 weeks of traveling from Westminster London to motherwell. Lord Bambledach rang General Cornwallis to ask him how it was going as the Irish and Welsh were in a bad way. General Cornwallis told Lord Bambledach to "Chillax guy, i got it all undercontrol, you just relax there and go colonise India or deport people to Australia or something... ya know take your mind off things. Don't call me I'll call you. peace. General C". Lord Bambledack was thourougly impressed with General Cornwallis' knowledge of future speach patterns and mannerisms. he text General Cornwallis saying "You certainly know your future trends" General Cornwallis text back simply "lol" Lord bambledach in his memoirs remarked. "he was the coolest man ever to breach my chambers and probably would still be cool in 2008/2009, where someone somewhere will write about these events in some future encyclopedia" This hinted at Lord Bambledachs sexual orientation and his uncanily accurate summation of current events. Sigmund Freud put this down to General Cornwallis "Just being that DAMN SEXY! and that damn cool!". This was widley accpeted.

Construction Of The MFI[edit]

MFI today

Construction of the MFI was started and completed in 56 weeks, of cource it would have been done in 3 if they had hired the Polish. Once Constructed Lord Bambledach and his Shadow Chancellor Lord Dingly Dang attended the ceremony where literaly tens of people tunred up. it was closer in numbers to Over 9000 people. General Cornwallis made a speach. most of which wasn't noted down however one quote remains stuck in the memory General Cornwallis crooned "Im gonna' turn this fammine in to FUNK!", And so it was. The Motherwell farming Institute was open.

Technologies devised[edit]

TRACTOR= 'Triptonic Rapid Acceleration Technology Open-Top Re-seeding. This allowed for faster replanting of seeds lost when the poor children of Essex came to steel food for their starving families. Everyone's happy!.

CAT'= Completely Automated Threasher. This was developed by General Cornwallis personaly and allowed farmers to get on with othe important jobs such as thrashing the Stableboy and seducing the Milkmaid.

and many more besides. The Invention of these machines began to allivate some of the problems in Wales and Ireland and General Cornwallis was hailled as a God.


General Cornwallis Growt Acceleration technique explained!

The Cornwallis Technique: This involved massaging each seed with the tips of the fingers to illicit the RFR (rapid fertillisation response). Conrwallis said that it was a technique he used on many a fair concubine when going on his epic cruisades to bring funk to the masses.

Growth Acceleration Programme: This involved massive ammounts of Thermonuclear reactions and as Cornwallis put it absolutly lethal doses of radiation. It enjoyed moderate succsess until the locals began to noitce that they were dying rather quickly. However the Crops were absolutly massive.

Current Crop Protecion:This basic but effective scheme was put in place by General Cornwallis to stop theifs for nicking the crops. The system worked by employing "trained safety technitians" (a pissed Glasweigan) using current safety techniques and technology developed the engineers and Neds (Nitshill Engineering Department Students). There was no doubting that the scheme worked as crop theft was down 10 fold but violent sack beatings were up Over 9000 percent.


Today the MFI churns out high price low quality flatpack furnature for the non discerning homeowner. The MFI ceased operations in the farming sector in 1991. The company is still proud of the fact it saved 2 nations in the 1800's. The company owner Mr Eddie Izzard said "times change man, groovy, we needed to keep currant and this was the way man, we won't forsake our heritige but we wont be farming again".

MFI has a solid plywood statue of General Cornwallis in the food court of their head office in Dixson baimbridge, Yorkshire.

Motherwell still has an active farming club that was founded by members of MFI. The Motherwell farming club along with Aberdeen farming club and Glasgow Rangers farming club founded the SPFL (Scottish professional Farming Leauge). 12 farming clubs currently compete and so far rangers have won the prestigeous title of Most Farming Titles won."


  • General Cornwallis is honoured each year in Ireland during the Potatoe Day Parade. Teams compete to see how can inject "The Funk" into general Cornwallis.
  • Each year Wales holds a Motherwell appreciation day for the men and women of Motherwell who farmed their asses off to save them.
  • prime Minister Lord Bambledach has been made an honorary recipiant of the NME award for the Outstanding contribution to the distribution of funk E.G. Hiring General Cornwallis.
  • General Cornwallis was made Time Magazines "Man Of The Millenum".
  • The southern English county formly called "Poozlewalkie" was renamed Cornwallis sometimes shortened to Cornwall.
  • The Current British Prime Minister Albert Butratrundle has made october the 19th a national holiday in honour of the MFI's first day of trading.
  • ken Dodds hit single Iv'e Dodd A brand new combine Harvister was a tribute to the development of modern farming techniques and the faher of modern farming General Cornwallis.