The Macarena is a sensation that has spread across the world. Nobody knows how it came into the world, (except for the god of all living things, Captain Britain)... What kind of crap is that? Since it reached the United States of America in late 1995, the State of the Union has declined. A few years after President Clinton's SexyBack sex scandal in 1998, an illegal Mexican immigrant known only as Jorge "el Bush" was supposedly elected as the President. Nothing good has happened since then. Terrorist attacks, school shootings, and STDs have increased in number, severity, and frequency. In addition, global warming has killed six million European Jews. Immediately after Jorge's illegal third re-election in 2008, the Confederate States of America seceded under the joint leadership of Captain Britain and Chuck Norris. Nobody has fucked with the CSA since then. We are getting slightly off topic here. Back to the great evil...
Truthfully, the Macarena is one of the most powerful forces of nature. It's so powerful, it's hardly natural! Not many who still know who or what brought it to the United States, or even to other parts of the world. All we do know is this: It is one of the major forms of mind control. Being both a dance and a song, it's twice the danger and twice the mind controlling power. Despite how mind controlling power is traditionally defined [it's on Wikipedia, so it must be true, right?] as:
the power of the Macarena increases no matter whether work, time, or the length of my weiner increases. Sadly, the latter does not happen often.
How it works
There are certain movements, to start with, that are performed in the Macarena. The movement of the hands is a symbol in many pagan sects that asks the gods for a renewal of spring. Either that or rain. Or something... The music itself, when translated from the mystic language in which the song was written, speaks to children. The lyrics sound something like, "Go to your parents. With a knife, you must hack. Hack and slash." Rather shocking, when you think of it, isn't it?
- extremely shocking...
What is rather interesting is the fact that the song is sung by two old men and a girl under legal age. Conclusions have been drawn to that the song also speaks for pedophilia, encouraging children to be raped by older men, just like the ones singing the song.
How to stop it
There is no known way to stop the Macarena. Its power knows no bounds. So far, scientists have only found one way to slow it: Take it off the Top 40 lists. When done, the Macarena will weaken, for it will no longer be heard on the radio or in the clubs, therefore, its power will wane. Another theory is to kick it in the balls. Scientists around the world have agreed that this is a simple and logical method, but no one has ever gotten close enough to do humanity this deed. It was only successful once, and the world was free from the Macarena curse.
In 1963, some wackjob in a library building, or something like that, attempted to assassinate Macarena by blowing a trumpet rather loudly. While the official Disco Commission ruled that Wackjob was acting alone, Wackjob shortly after was killed by another wackjob using the candlestick in the library. Numerous conspiracy theories have since evolved, mainly centered around Wackjob 1's ability to blow the trumpet 3 times in 5 seconds. I sure can't blow 3 times in 5 seconds. Conspiracy nuts believe that the assassination attempt was actually done by the grassy mole.
Anyways, it didn't die. Someone kill it. Puhleeeezzzzzzzzzzzze!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1!