Macaulay Culkin

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Kenny? Kenny stop crying on me, Michael will love you eventually! Now get out of my bed.”

~ Macaulay Culkin on His bed

“But it's my birthday and I want a blood feast!”

~ Macaulay Culkin on REAL LIFE

“But why, mother? Why do I have to grow up?”

“Mother? Are my lips too big? Or are they... JUST RIGHT? ”

~ Macaulay Culkin on On his surgery


Macaulay Culkin
2978960603 4f6a27f1c1.jpg
Macaulay Culkin.
In platforms.
Date of birth: 2000
Place of birth: [[Manchild Land
Of which he is ambassador.
And first lady.]]
First Lady: Himself.
Political party: Manchildren Unite


Macaulay 'Manchild' Culkin (born (created by the almighty manchild in the sky) 2000) is a famous child star gone wrong. He one day developed pubic hair and since then it has all descended into madness. He developed an obsession with remaining youthful and turned to surgery for this. How else can you explain his face? You can't. I mean really. Just look at it.

Early Life and Career[edit]

The happiest times of his life. Two words: Home Alone. A simpler time. A time without pubic hair.

Party Monster[edit]

This documentary of Culkin's alternative lifestyle was a form of wish fulfilment for him, including having a cat as a love child. Men, he reasoned, could not have cats as lovechildren. Therefore by having one he would remain forever a child. Or at least, a manchild. This film actually stopped the real Michael Alig (played by Manchild MC) from gaining parole. All I can say is: watch out MC, he's coming to get you.

Drug Offenses[edit]

Between 2001 and 2010 Culkin was jailed for attempting to rape Daniel Radcliffe in order to gain the philosipher's stone and therefore gain eternal youth. He was also caught dealing horse tranquilisers to Gary Coleman, a fellow manchild. This is a terrible offense as drugs SHOULD NOT be given to children.

Romance with Kenny Ortega[edit]

“Mrfm fmm uh urguh uh urrgh." ”

~ Kenny Ortega on Macaulay's penis

Kenny and Culkin met after Macaulay's failed audition for High School Musical, however Kenny saw something special in the manchild, dried his tears, took him by the hand, and lead him home. They have been engaged ever since, and plan to adopt the child Kenny is convinced he is carrying. Kenny claims this child is a gift from Michael Jackson. A love gift. However, Kenny is known to be delusional so perhaps he isn't the best person to comment on these matters. Or anything else for that matter. If you'd have seen High School Musical you'd understand.

Filmography[edit]

  • Home Alone
  • Home Alone 2
  • Home Alone 3
  • Home Alone 4

(All subsequent films were made in Macaulay's bedroom with a camera phone a cast of former lovers held captive and forced to call him 'little miss'. They are not subject to general release.

  • Home Alone 5: This time it's personal.
  • Home Alone 6: Don't put your finger in there!
  • Home Alone 7: That's not my leg, ho ho ho!
  • Home Alone 8: WE'VE RUN OUT OF LUBE.
  • Home Alone 9: Someone needs to make a food run, I'm just saying, I did it last time and I didn't even get to eat a bit of that pizza, and I used MY money so I think that this time it has to be Carl. Yes Carl. No Carl you cannot remove your shackles. Well I'm sorry but you'll just have to deal with it. Okay? Okay. I'll get you some cab fare.
  • Home Alone 10: Where the fuck is Carl?
  • Home Alone 11: Lonleeeeey. I am so lonellllyyyy. I'm Mr. Lonelllleyyy.... ALL ON MY OWN. (Awooo!)
  • Party Monster (Semi- autobiograhpical and semi-erect.)

Filmography cont[edit]

  • Home Alone 12: Carl, is that you? Oh, sorry sir, I thought you were my friend.
  • Home Alone 13: .... You wanna be my friend?
  • Aviva ad: REMEMBER ME.

Things you must remember[edit]

REMEMBER HIM.

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

view  discuss  edit