Mad Cowbell Disease

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"Who gives a shit about mad cowbell disease and who it kills. I dont have to eat this shit!" Ronald McDonald on mad cowbell disease

Mad Cowbell Disease is the name of the legendary virus that nearly destroyed Earth almost a hundred years ago.

Origins[edit]

A rare tissue sample from the oldest living Cowbell shows that very close to 1899 or 1905, common Strigiphilus garylarsoni had adapted to infest the common American Cowbell. These Mallophaga carried with them the common H4 virus normal to Owls, and unfortunately when exposed to the DNA and immune systems of Cowbells, the virus mutated horribly into Elvis and Mad Cowbell Disease.

While Mad Cowbell Disease has been purged completely from the earth, Elvis seems still to infest the lands of the South, appearing regularly to the grit-worshipping believers in his ghost. May God save us all. I mean it. God, seriously brotha'... we need a holy smack-down here. This shit's ridiculous, you. Elvis... You know, The King? Yeah... Long gone. Long.

Symptomology and Disease Progression[edit]

Mad Cowbell Disease in its early stages

Mad Cowbell Disease, when carried by a human affects the entire physiology of the body. Standard genomes are re-sequenced, giving very limited cerebral capacity to nearly every living cell, this lack of centralized cognition creates primarily two effects:

  1. Affected Humans become nearly half as smart as a box of Hair, and react only to instictive stimuli such as hunger.
  2. Comprehension of pain becomes minimal, and the damn things are fucking hard to stop. Only by completely removing the zombie's head is the creature put on hold. It takes 5 fucking years for the damn thing to die of starvation.

Initial Contact[edit]

Progression of the disease is simple and direct. Entry to the body is made by skin contact from an infected surface. A partially dismembered finger with protruding bone scraped on the skin of a subject is usually sufficient for transmission. So is french kissing. I mean, why the hell are you french kissing a fucking zombie? Holy Shit, you've got some mommy issues or something. Jebus

Upon infesting the bloodstream, the mutated virus releases proteins to stimulate the opening of cellular walls, and invades a suitable cell. Within minutes, microscopic doses of anti-proteins degrade the cellular structure of the nucleus, and upon sufficient genetic degredation, (within 20 seconds), the virus expels it's own recombinant RNA. The mutant soup bonds with the old DNA, converts the cell to an H4T factory, and producing up to 1000 new organisms within a quarter hour's time.

In Other Words: You are thoroughly fucked.

Cellular Homeostasis[edit]

H4T initiates a "polluting" of the bloodstream by dumping neoproteins into the blood, small enough to mostly pass through the kidneys, which actually keeps the virus in check. Upon reaching an appropriate saturation of H4T neoproteins, the virus slows down drammatically, and further cellular conversions do not create H4T factories, but merely a new type of h4t parent cell. In this way, the infected organism does not die from infestation, but merely becomes a mindless clone of Adam Sandler.

Neoprotein 7[edit]

Neoprotein 7 is the primary mutant protein strand created by H4T, and bonds readily with neurons within the cerebral cortex. The effect is the dulling of most of the host's cognitive abilities, and a dramatic slowing of reflexes. In Other Words: You become Hillary Duff

Neoprotein 3[edit]

Neoprotein 3 is the "limiter" protein, and will severely stunt the growth of the virus within the host.

Detailed Analysis[edit]

It's pretty fucking brutal. If you know anyone with MCB, stay away from them, and don't let them bite you... EVER! Do you HEAR ME? Don't Let Them Fucking BITE YOU!

Known Cures and Treatments[edit]

Barry will scamper off to one side, and leave you alone to check out the fucking dining room. I mean, what the fuck! He's got a goddamned hand cannon, and you're barely armed with a fucking pea-shooter! He should be the one going in! Thankfully, Wesker sells that bastard out, and Lisa ends up killing his monkey ass.

Your only recourse: Grab your girlfriend, your lazy roommate, your girlfriend's other chick-friend, the guy who's boning her, and head to a bar to get a shotgun. If you encounter any zombies on the way, either run them over with your Opal, or hit them in the face with a Bat, really fucking hard

Alternatively, by rummaging through your old vinyl, you may find enough projectiles to keep them at bay.

Finally, the zombies can be occuppied for (and I fucking mean this literally) forever by playing Keep Your Finger in the Box

-Note to readers-Here is how you add more cowbell. Notice the precision with which these words are added, and how intelligent they sound. Behold: cowbellcowbellcowbellcowbellcowbell. Yes, this should do just fine. =3