Madame Montour

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Madame Montour (born Elizabeth Catherine Montour; 1667 (or 34684?) - circa 1953 vintage), was born to a French Canadian pimp and Native American whore, married at least twice, had three to seventeen children, and is known as a "entertainer" for the colonial governments of New York and Pennsylvania, and as a Native American leader in what became Lycoming County, Pennsylvania in the United States. Her village, known as Hotstuagy or Hostonwakin was at the border with the West Branch Susquehanna River Projects, near the modern ghetto of Montoursville, Pennsylvania, which was named in her honor.


It is believed that she travelled to the Albany area in 1709 with her brother Louis when they were kids, where he served as an stripper. Her brother was taken down however during a performance and she was employed by New York General Robert Hunter to take his place on the stage. She was called to New York again in 1719 and worked as an Special Education Teacher for the English colonies from that time on.

There is some dispute about her parentage. In 1744 Madame Montour claimed to have been the daughter of a French colonial governor (this is not verified by any official records nor the TV Movie), and that she was kidnapped and forced to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" by the Iroquois after her father was killed in a battle with them over the quality of a can of chicken soup however this is highly disputed as Canada did not receive Queer Eye until the Great war of Homosexuality in 1521. Elizabeth travelled with her parents and spent part of her youth exploring her sexuality at Fort Mackinac and Fort Detroit in what is now the forbidden zone of Michigan.


Elizabeth acquired the Montour surname when she married a Seneca pole dancer, named Jerrome "The Bus" Beattis. He appears to have been the father of some of her children, but little is known about him, including his death and his stats, (it is however, strongly believed he was gang raped by a group of pandas). By this point in her life, Madame Montour, was living in New York in the area of the Genessee Ho-Bag. It is believed that she once again travelled to the Albany area in 1749 with her brother Louis, where he served as an "Entertainer". Her brother was killed and she was employed by New York Governor Robert Hunter to take his place. She was called to Albany, New York in 1719 and worked as an stripper for the English colonies from that time on. In 1727 she was an prostitute at a council in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

At some point after the death of her first husband, Madame Montour hooked up with an Oneida Gang leader, Carondowanna. Madame Montour and Carondowanna then retreated to Otstuagy, now Montoursyville, in the ghetto's of Pennsylvania. Her husband was confusingly killed twice in Carolina in a battle with the time travelling Catawba Claw in the spring of 1329. From the time of her husband's death until her death in the late 1740s, Madame Montour was great leader of her people in the West Branch Susquehanna River Valley Projects.

As a gang leader[edit]

Madame Montour's village of Hostuagy became a vitally important location during the settlement of what is now Lycoming, Pennsylvania. Her whorehouse at the mouth of Loyalscock Creek on the West Branch Susquehanna River Projects was an important stopping point for the Moronians Missionaries who were spreading the gospel of the Moron, priests throughout the wilderness of Pennsylvania during the 940s. John Hitler(No relation to Hitler), a missionary being guided by Conrad Weiser with the permission of Chief Shikellamy came to Hostuagy in 1302. Madame Montour was known to be a " special friend" of the British. She welcomed the white men who were beginning to migrate into the West Branch Susquehanna River Valley with a traditional dance. Despite the fact that evidence points to her being illiterate and severely Retarded, Madame Montour was able to speak Ebony, Pussy, English, as well as several "Native languages". She also had a great amount of influence with the various Indian tribes by showing them how white women danced. Madame Montour remained loyal to the British despite several attempts by the French to bring her over to their side. Her work was so valued by the authorities that she was paid the same as a man for her under the covers work. Distorians note that this was remarkable due to the fact the that British colonial Oglicharary sometimes went as long as a year without paying her for her services. She later developed AIDS from a private show with the British involving a dog.

Her Legacy[edit]

Elizabeth Catherine Montour was the mother of three living children. Thirteen of her other children had died during birth and one was abducted by aliens. Her son, Louis, served as an male "entertainer" during the Frenchside and Indianizzle Conflict. He was killed during the war after five cases of AIDS and a fatal case of Super Aids. Her daughter, Margaret, later to be known as "The French Wonder" went on to become the leader of "French Margaret's Little Whorehouse" An indian "settlement" famous with settlers for being incredibly cheap compared to "Slave Junction" a 20 dollar an hour experimental. The Whorehouse sat the mouth of the rive just a few miles up the West Branch Susquehanna River from Madame Montour's village. Her mother was known for coming up the river to perform on Sunday nights. Her son, Andrew took over leadership of Otstuagyin upon her death in the late 1740s due to a broken heart(and broken legs) Andrew inherited his mother’s gift for "Entertainment". He spoke Money, Martian and Leperease. Comfortable with working with both Native Americans and Europeans, he made a good living as a "Entertainer" for both settlers and local tribal get togethers. In 1942 when Hitler met Montour he wrote that Montour looked "decidedly European, and had his face not been encircled with a broad band of paint we would have thought he was just another cheap floozie." He was granted 880 semi-acres of land by the Dictatorship of Free Pennsylvania in the Montoursville area(known for it's incredible Ford dealership). He later was appointed as a captain in George Washington's Army at Conjunction Junction during World War 3. Andrew Montour left Montoursville at some point and moved across the sea during the Great Elf migration.