Madchester Oasis

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“I thought it chwas YouChoobe Eff See!”

~ Random Briton on Madchester Oasis

“Are there fat people there?”

~ Dicky the Gnome on Madchester oasis

“600 billion dollars ain't shit to Chad Warden”

~ Chad Warden on Madchester Oasis and their riches

Madchester Oasis is the most famous soccer team to emerge from England, and considered by many to be the finest in the World, usually after a time spent in the company of the Madchester Oasis Young Tough's club. They frequently draw crowds in their hundreds to their Home Grounds in Madchester, attractively situated underground, in the middle of the Sewage system. They are considered the leading cause of murderous rampages in the country. Their fans love a good joke. For example an inflatable banana. Hilarious

History of the Club[edit]

Madchester Oasis was founded as a 1832 by Koan-Du Spirit, a travelling Buddhist band. Meditating on the state of the World, they concluded it was essentially a pure and just place, then, on realising they were in Madchester, instantly changed their mind. The band were pragmatists, however, and before long they had set up the Madchester Oasis of Calm, a place where the deprived youth of the city could come to reflect on the Universe and peacefuly meditate. Sadly, however, the deprived youth of the city torched the Oasis before long, getting together to expertly kick a flaming ball of rolled up newspaper into the Net of Tranquility that criss-crossed the pool. Following the inferno, the one surviving band member Patrick Thistle (Mandolin), noticing how coordinated the destruction of everything he held dear had been by the youths, instantly employed them as the members of a new-founded soccer team, with him as manager. The team stormed up the leauges, and within two years became the dominant Madchester team after decapitating the leader of the Madchester Magi, as per tradition. The club disbanded after people stopped giving a toss in the late eightes when the whole city was off it's tits on E. The club was reformed in 1995 as Madchester's only professional football club and the glory days under Alan Ball soon followed. Oasis' victory over Gillingham in the Champions League final of 1999 crowned an astonishing resurrection for the club. However recently, Madchester have been robbed bare, as a recent newspaper report shows - "Entire Contents of Madchester Oasis Trophy Room Stolen; Police are looking for a man with a light blue carpet."

Rivals[edit]

Madchester's main rivals are Oldham Athletic, Stockport County, Manchester Red Sox, Bury and anyone that bought a copy of Country House. Although rivals oldham and city fans generally travel to livershite to twat the shit out of all livershitens.

The Team[edit]

It should also be noted that most of the squad was assembled from Seven Gorane Erik-The Sun on youtube last week.

Goalie[edit]

19 Kasper Schmeichel - The scion of a terrible enemy of the good people of Oasis, the leaders of whom kidnapped this blue eyed, pubeless, ruddy cheeked spawn long ago in an attempt to turn the One True Enemy's own dark arts against it. Quite similar to his dread father, except a) he's not as big and b) not as good.

1 Shay Given - Jumped off the sinking ship HMS Newcastle United just in time.

- Joe Hart - Was replaced by Shay Given as he didn't cost nearly enough money.

12 Stuart Taylor - Ummmm.

38 Martin Full Up - Was told he would be paid £900 a second to stand in as shot stopper after the above players were shot dead by snipers.

Reasons why we haven't got completely stuffed yet[edit]

2 Micah Richards - A bright and exciting young talent (tm). He recently made his debut in the porn industry with his girlfriend in his self-directed movie. Has also caught Swine Flu off Carlos Vela the dodgy Mexican.

3 Wayne Bridge - Was tired of getting gang-raped by Cashley and Didhedive, so left and joined Citeh on the first boat to the North. His ex-wife then cheated on him with then best friend John Terry.

22 Richard Dunne - The captain. A reserved Irish lad who has shown a touching interest in picking up the local traditions, as his recent suspension for crippling a Villa player demonstrates. Also has a tendency to become confused while facing his own goal, leading to an average own-goal strike rate of 20 a season.

24 Javier "Java Script" Garrido - Expert Spanish computer programmer. Rewrites each home match using the USB port located in the East Stand so it appears to spectators that Oasis have trundled out another uneventful 1-0 victory when in fact they've been pasted 12-0.

26 John Terry - Was apparently very close to signing, only he decided at the last minute that he would like to win more then the Inter-Toto Cup in the rest of his career.

26 Tal Ben Haim - Token Jew.

28 Kolon Toure - Was forced to leave Arsenal when he had a very public breakup with boyfriend William 'Crys a lot and wants lots of money' Gallas.

Midfield[edit]

7 Stephen Ireland - Didn't he used to be bald? Hows Your Gran Stevie? Very good liar....NOT

6 Michael Johnson - Young, heavily eyebrowed local lad. Granny chaser.

15 Martin Petrov - Until recently a victim of the endemic homosexual sex trade in Failsworth, Petrov was spotted by Sven listlessly kicking a can about on the A6 after receiving a heavy buggery from a self-employed tradesman called Barry. His pleas to be allowed to see the Bulgarian consulate after each game are met by loving chuckles from his teammates, as they once again bundle him into the shower.

18 Gareth Barry - Possibly the greatest midfield player ever to grace the Premier League. Also possible that he is a bit shite and just happens to be left footed.

88 Tom Caff

8 Shaun Right-Phillips? - Was sold to Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. for £21 million, then bought back for 50p when it was discovered he isn't very good.

7 Kaka - Never Mind.

37 Adam johnson - student of micheal jackson

33 Vincent Kompany - The next Franz Beckenbauer, FM says so.

34 Nigel de Jong - Possibly the most expensive player with 6 months left on his contract ever.

? Joey Barton - The best playmaker madchester ever produce. Dabo's best mate.

So-Called "Attackers" (meant to score goals)[edit]

32 Carlos 'World's ugliest man' Tevez - Didn't join Liverpool as they were rivals to Manchester Red Sox Ltd. so joined Citeh instead.

10 Robinho - best player in the world......NOT! Later Fucked off back to Brazil!

25 Emmanuel Ade'bye'or - Legend has it this man once scored a goal, only the dragon at the top of Mount Kas'hanur knows the true story

27 Benjani - Joined You Tube FC on 5 February 2008. Could have joined earlier if he didn't fall asleep.

14 Rocky Santa-Clause - Somehow one of the most sought after strikers in the Premiership. No one has yet worked out why.

39 Craig 'Cuntface' Bellamy - He is actually in jail for assault, which is why no one has witnessed him play for Madchester FC.

Subs[edit]

31 Noel Gallagher - Mid-tempo-fielder. Put in the game during a mid-December 0-0 with Newcastle to attempt to stir the City fans into life. Has got into a massive brawl with every cunt United player alive.

32 Liam Gallagher - Attacker. Record for staying on the pitch before being shown the red: 34 seconds. He reached 31 during the recent exchange with West Ham which left only 15 people dead, so signs are encouraging. Has special dispensation from the FA to take to the field in an overcoat.

33 Frank Gallagher - Got a spare tenner on ya since I'm off to the Jockey.

35 Ricky Hatton - Defender. Probably the most agressive player in the squad, he throws tantrums and punches, if he hits anyone on the pitch and they go down, they stay down. Also the player with the most red cards.

17 Sun Jihai - Obligatory Asian guy.

12 Nicky Weaver - Poor facial hair.

1 Andreas Isaksson - Obligatory Swedish guy.

20 Georgios Samaras - Feed the greek and he'll score every 17th game.

5 Ousmane Dabo - Useless. Bald. French.

69 - Sven.

75 - Dot Cotton

99 Saddam Hussein - Currently injured with a "broken neck".

Massive club?[edit]

It has become a long-standing tradition for new signings to play along with the charade that Madchester Oasis is a "massive club". This is, of course, nonsense. Hold on, don't they have the widest pitch and the tallest floodlights in the Premier League? They also have executive boxes with balconies on them I think. They also caused an uproar with THAT poster, and set an inflatable banana trend. And didn't they win the First Division quite recently? Oh, never mind.

It is thought that most of Oasis's foreign signings are unaware that there are two teams in Madchester and wrongly believe they are signing for a different team altogether.

In March 5, 2007, the club's trophy room was broken into by an unknown intruder and the entire contents of this room were stolen. This case remains a mystery to this day, and the police have since been searching for a man with a pale blue carpet.



Honours[edit]

Seriously? No ... no. Quit pissin' around.


The FA Premier League
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Glory Hunters
Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. | Manchester Red Sox Ltd.

Slightly shittier teams that finish 3rd and 4th
Mickey Mousers Soccer Franchise Ltd. | Arse-anal

The Rest
Aston Villa | Tottenham Jooscum F.C. | Madchester Oasis F.C. |
Wet Spam G.S.E. | Harrods Cottagers F.C. | Greys Athletic | Long Ball-ton Wanderers | Neverton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii

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