Mafia

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The Varkalis Mafia exists in the In Illinois, therefore it's only logical to say it constitutes completely natural behavior.

Mafia (also known as "Cosa Nostra", translated as "Our Thang") is the name for a fair and balanced almost non-profit organization which provides support for unemployed people with tough sounding Italian names. It does not actually exist. Got it? This club takes it upon itself to "take out the trash" (i.e. recycling) and protect small businesses from their own typically Italian artistic temperament. That doesn't sound that bad now, does it? To be honest, it does involve guns, but, if you think about it, most people in the USA own guns and they're all fine, just fine. There is a thing about "vendetta", but you won't have to know about that if you don't screw up. Also, you're not supposed to talk about it. I'm not supposed to talk about it either, but I'm pretty sure none of the other guys waste their time on Uncyclopedia. So if you are interested in joining, gimme a call. If you're here for "other reasons" then you probably meant to go here.

History[edit]

Now, who is this guy supposed to be??

The Mafia was founded because four assholes in the early 20th-century believed it was cool to own everything. So then a new race, came to America...Italians. A group of southern Italians and Sicilians came to America to seek the "American Dream", but all they got was jack shit. So by 1910, a man by the name of Lucky Luciano organized a bunch of guidos tough guys who finally picked up a New York accent as a business where you could earn money. You HAVE to be a 100% Italian-American to be a made member of the American Mafia, if you're not, you can only be an associate, an unofficial member. The "Mafia", formed in New York City, as the powerful "Five Families", the Bonanno, Colombo, Gambino, Genovese, and Lucchese. The Mafia has spread across the United States in cities such as Chicago, Philadelphia, Newark, Tampa, Orlando, Miami, New Orleans, Washington, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Anyone who's Italian and tough can join!

New York City's Five Families (If you're interested in ratting them out... asshole)

These families are set to appear in the new special, Real Crime Families of New York.

  • Bonanno Family- Has a lot of strength in Queens, founded by a psychopath, Joseph Bonanno. If you could rank them, right now they'd be the third strongest.
  • Colombo Family- The smallest family with very little money and are in it for fun, not business, they exist in the ghetto of Brooklyn, the idiots tried rivaling the Gambinos. They're the weakest, and laughed at by the other families.
  • Gambino Family- The Fuckin New York City crime empire, the strongest family that rules the city, they were the third to become the best, the fuckin best, John Gotti was doing well until that asshole took down the family, if you haven't heard, 12 members were arrested April 2010.
  • Genovese Family- The oldest and one of the old powerful ones. Lucky Luciano was the boss of this family. Vito Corleone was based on Vito Genovese. They went into a bloody war with the Gambinos for power. They're currently the second best.
  • Lucchese Family- The second family to become the most powerful and the fuckin' awesome movie Goodfellas is based on a mobster who gains respect from this family. Now since informants have showed up the family is weaker and fourth best.

Mafia Today[edit]

The Mafia is serious shit. Although most people know what we're up to, no one is brave enough to do anything about it, as the Mafia keeps records of everyone's browser history. Even YOURS. So you know what will happen to your career if someone were to accidentally find out about it.

Main Article Copiers

Chinese Mafia[edit]

Fat Joe, his close friends say "he sing good"

The cheap mass-produced Chinese version of the Mafia is referred to as Chinese char1.png, and has it's HQ in a garage in Beijing, owned by Chung Shin Lee aka Fat Joe, after he gained the respect of Chinese char1.png by providing them with complementary Official Rorex Watches(r). Since no one has Italian names over there, they decided only members of the Wong and Pu famiries could join, which lead to a considerable overflow of people involved in Chinese char1.png business; as a matter of fact, the whole country was part of the Chinese char1.png. This lead to a separatist movement, in late 2009, which effectively formed into a new state, commonly referred to as "New Chinese char1.png", although it's location is currently unknown; in fact, friendly redneck historians agree that "they all look the same".

All that is known on the subject of Chinese Mafia comes from a former member who ascended from the depths of the criminal underworld of Beijing, Mr. Winston Pu, known to most of the world as Winnie the Pooh. He is now an active leader of an underground organization in the Hundred Acre Woods, but has since fallen out with his counterparts in China.

Russian Mafia[edit]

“In Soviet Russia, the Mafia joins YOU!”

~ Another annoying Russian reversal

The Russian Mafia was the product of random mutations of the original Italian mobsters, some of whom slowly but steadily lost their mustaches and sense of humor, developed resistance to cold and eventually migrated North-East. Exploiting their powerful connections in the former Soviet Union, they became well known for running the "Adopt-an-Islamic-fundamentalist" charity foundation. The Russian mobsters at some point were significantly richer than their Italian ancestors. Through anonymous donations, they could afford nuclear weapons, which, unfortunately, they invested in Cuba, and since then lost most of their importance and status, and ended up cleaning windshields at traffic lights for tips.

Notable shenanigans[edit]

Dangerous shit.

The Mafia has been responsible for a number of major offenses, and it's witty members have been able to avoid capture most of the time, while cops were too busy appearing in blockbuster movies such as "Cops", "Beverly Hills Cop", "There's something about Mary Cops", "Beauty and the Cop", "Two Cops Don't Make a Cop" and many others. And let's not forget MTV's very own "Cop of the Cops". Anyhow, here's a list of what they did, from least to last:

  1. Engaged in public homosexual activity in Texas and Alabama
  2. Broke the tips of many pencils so bad that no matter how much time was spent sharpening them, the tips would keep falling off
  3. Slightly, but noticeably, curved the world supply of bananas
  4. Walked around with scissors without holding the tips; someone could have seriously got hurt
  5. Founded Conservapedia
  6. Stuck it to the Man
  7. Once your in, theres no getting out.

Curious Facts[edit]

  • We also have a sister organization comprised of Youngstown penguins. Its activities are to secure independence of Antarctica and to star in CGI movies.
  • In Malta, Sicily, and Italy, the Mafia is referred to as "The Government", but we consider ourselves more a group of "mates" than anything else.
  • In Japan it is called Mario, the closest thing they could spell to it.

See also[edit]


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