Magical girl

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The common attributes of magical girls are believed to be borrowed from Mozilla Firefox, the progenitor of the genre.

Magical girls (Engrish: マジカルガール majikaru gaaru) are young women who transform into sparklier versions of themselves and save the world (or prossibly just Tokyo, as everyone knows it's equivalent to saving the world because extraterrestrial villains never attack any other cities on Earth. Ever. Even look it up, man, its true.) They are the primary police force of Japan.

The guy who started the magical girl buisness by becoming the "Magical Janitor".

Contents

[edit] Recruitment

It's a fun occupation with great costumes, but also very risky.

Magical girls are chosen by the Japanese government via an involuntary draft. Although any girl or woman 25 or younger may be selected, the government preferentially conscripts schoolgirls whose lives are boring or otherwise unsatisfactory. The chance of one being a magical girl is heightened if there happens to be a really hot soccer guy in your life. Or if you are blonde and really obtuse. How does the government know this, one might ask? Well, it knows everything, what with Big Brother watching you - and everything else.

The magical girl program does not generally accept volunteers. However, volunteers may get accepted if they provide their own abusively sparkly costume, can change into it in a prolonged sequence, can display acceptable superpowers (apart from the aforementioned ability to change costumes), and have breast sizes best described as "unfeasibly disproportionate".

[edit] Training

A trained magical girl can handle enemy much larger than her.

Upon being taken into the magical girl program, a girl is trained to act as a magical girl. This is a complex process, which can be separated into four main steps:

  1. The girl is informed that she has been chosen to be a magical girl.
  2. The girl is taken to a professional seamstress, who designs a costume for the girl to wear. Generally this costume is skimpy, flamboyant, or both.
  3. The girl is given a charm, bikini, baton, wallet, PDA, badge, pager, wristband, cellphone, pokéball, belt buckle, squeegee, underwear, vibrator, snot, lightsaber, sandwich, comb, bottle of water, big giant boulder, regular-sized boulder, lunchbox, DVD, journal, ring, bandage, coin, laptop, Game Boy, full bladder, Dead Creature of some kind or other miscellaneous item which is used for a very lengthy transformation, which usually involves several instances of implied nudity.
  4. The girl is dropped into a situation where her life is in immediate peril, with absolutely no instruction on the use of her new abilities.

This procedure has been proven to be surprisingly effective. Once it is complete, the girl can transform more or less at will and is expected to be solely responsible for the lives of everyone in her general area.

[edit] Transformation

Since magical girls are not robots, they cannot turn into cars (however, research in this field may lead to experimental prototype robot girls with certain magical powers). However, using similar technology, they are able to change costumes in strange, overly flashy "transformation" sequences, during which their powers are unlocked (when off-duty, magical girls usually decrease their abilities to those of normal girls so as to avoid accidentally killing people with sparkles). This in fact is the defining characteristic of a magical girl.

A typical transformation involves spinning around, pretending to fly, and having articles of clothing appear out of nowhere on one's person. Since this takes some time, early magical girls had a high mortality rate, as evildoers would simply kill them while they were prancing around. To counteract this, in 1982, all transformation devices were upgraded with the ability to strip the girls naked at the beginning of the transformation sequence, and so people are too busy staring at their breasts to attack them. But this change also caused another problem: guys now chase them all over Tokyo just to see them naked, drawing a huge crowd that makes it next to impossible to defeat the enemy without causing significant collateral damage to their surroundings.

[edit] Sonic Blast Technique

Although different magical girls have their own unique abilities, most of them can fire a sonic blast, which temporarily prevents the enemy from moving by stunning them into a brief paralysis. A common usage of this technique is to shout something like "Super Love Sugar Wave Attack Kuri Kuri!" prior to using a ranged attack, thus preventing the target from dodging. This technique is also used defensively; a magical girl will often shriek loudly when injured, stopping her assailant from doing any further damage until she recovers.

[edit] Secrecy

The magical girl program was originally founded in secret in the year 1966. While today its existence is common knowledge, the Japanese obsession with tradition dictates that they continue to act as if nobody knew about it. In addition, Japan believes its police force should be seen as a monolithic entity, rather than as a collection of fallible, corruptible individuals. As a result, Japanese citizens are required by law to act like they have no idea who a magical girl really is, no matter how ridiculously obvious her identity. In return, officers are expected to make at least token attempts to explain where they keep disappearing off to, why they got upset when someone insulted Cure Black, and what that miscellaneous device they always carry around is.

[edit] Versus Power Rangers

No Power Ranger can withstand such cuteness

Although it sadly has never been tested, it is widely accepted that a magical girl would beat the crap out of the Power Rangers, who do nothing but fight with trout, feathers, pop guns, cap guns, pixie sticks, and pollute the earth (with how cheesy they are). And other than that, the Power Rangers are wussy fighters. One Super Love Heart Ass-Poke Attack (or:Supakoikokorokouhoukougeki in terms of Tales of Symphonia) would kill them.

[edit] Mostly cute

Magical girls are super cute. Any magical girls who are not cute are fakes.

Don't even think about fapping to this.

[edit] Some famous magical girls

[edit] See also

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