The History of Maintenance
Maintenance was invented in 2786 B.C. as a result of the collapse Great Pyramids of Liza Minelli. The current pharoah, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, hired the leader of the Masons to repair the giant tomb. Unfortunately, during the repairs, a young foul-mouthed gangsta Mason drew a scandalous picture of the leader of the Masons engaging in an inappropriate action with the devil. However, Pharaoh Roosevelt loved the picture so much that he broke his own legs to stop himself from laughing. Eventually, the young foul-mouthed gangsta became Poet Laureate.
The practice of maintenance evolved over the years to become a ritual involving poetry, song, and romantic wooing, followed by oral sex with the devil. In 1968 B.C., the ancient Roman emporer Polanski released a film popularizing maintenance about a young woman who fucks the Devil, entitled "A Young Woman Who Fucks The Devil". "A Young Woman Who Fucks The Devil", in addition to being a hilarious slapstick fest, raises interesting moral points about existentialism and the impermanence of life itself. The wildly popular film spawned two sequels, "A Young Woman Who Fucks The Devil: This Time It's Personal" and "A Young Woman Who Fucks The Devil: Yoda's Revenge".
Legal Issues Concerning Maintenance
The state of Massachusetts is the only state in the U.S. which has legalized maintenance. It's about time we caught up with Swedish satanists. Unfortunately, the overly Christian right wing does not support sexual pleasurement via the Devil. However, NOWHERE IN THE BIBLE does it say you can't fuck Satan. Read the book, bitches.
Notable Lovechildren Resulting From Maintenance
- Marilyn Manson
- Cyndi Lauper
- Dr. Phil
- The Brady Bunch
- Captain Crunch
- Tupac Shakur
- Your mom
Contractors and their role in Maintenance
A contractor is an alternative term for a servant of the devil. Contractors were used as substitutes for Satan when maintenance was being performed when Satan was not available or the Masons hadn't made an appointment beforehand (he can't screw everyone at the same time, you know.) Eventually, through will of their master, contractors were instructed to introduce the practice of maintenance to the public; however, because contractors were not comfortable screwing non-Masons, they never actually do maintenance, just repairwork.