Malachi

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Malachi, short for Malachite, was a famous Jew who is often quoted. He was supposedly the saviour of the Dodo birds, but they didn't realize it until after they were extinct. Malachite, as all Jews are, was thrifty and decided not to reveal his purpose in the world to the Dodos, for fear that they would ask him to do something at great expense. Hence, the Dodos are dead and Malachite is rich. The story goes that Malachite sold insurance for the first time. His first targets were the Dodo birds. He sold them life insurance, but when they died, he didn't have to pay them back, because they were dead. He also didn't have to pay their descendants because he was Jewish and special rules apply.

Every Jewish kid uses Malachite as an excuse to get a new yamakah, because Malachite stole a new one every day from his local mall, earning him the nickname "Light-fingered, quick witted, smart, brainy, Jewish, manly man, incredibly awesome Malachite the no good, dirty rotten, evil, horrible, terrible, aweful disgusting thief." Long as that title may be, it was nothing compared to his life-span, which lasted from 3050 B.C. to 305 A.D., when he died in the terrible Jew epidemic of 305.

Malachite was rumoured to be a descendant of the Vikings, as well as the Africano people. How an Africano woman and a Viking man met is beyond me, but it may be easier to imagine if it was an Africano man and a Viking woman. Well, actually it's just as hard to imagine, so nevermind. At any rate, Malachite died, and nobody particularly cares about him, unless the Vikings suddenly respawn and want him back as their own. But for the sake of the Dodos, let's hope they don't.