Malcolm X (rapper)

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This article is about the rapper. For the pope, see Malcolm X.

J-Dawg on the mike

Malcolm X, also known by his birth name Saloth Sar and his stage names MC X, J-Dawg, and Nelly, but not to be confused with Nelly Furtado, was a member of the Nebraskan rap group, Islam Is Da Bomb. He is an internationally renowned rapper, having won 11 Grammies, and when he died in 1965, was going to be knighted by the King James I of England

Biography[edit]

Early Life[edit]

fuck mra kashak Malcolm X was born Saloth Sar on May 19, 1925 in Prek Sbauv in the Kampong Thum Province of Cambodia, to a relatively wealthy family. Unknown to his parents, Pol Pot was born in the house next to his. For 10 years little X lived as a regular Cambodian child lives, building bridges for Cambodian warlords, volunteering as a guinea pig for pussy French sexual experiments, and being beaten and raped by his immediate family. The two Cambodian neighbors grew to be the best of friends.

On his tenth birthday, he was given a shitty birthday party at a bowling alley. Angry that other kids got to shoot tour buses for their birthday and he wasn't even allowed to have a birthday cake, Malcolm X enlisted Pol Pot's help in eliminating his parents. Pot in turn hired al-Qaeda operative Osama bin Laden to carry out the attack.

On May 25, 1935, bin Laden, along with a group of 3 Islamic freedom fighters, one of whom happened to be his future rap buddy, Yasser Arafat, snuck into the Sar house and killed his parents, grandparents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, great-grandparents, and all of the family pets, including Betsy the cow, Albert the ox, Joey the dog, Bob the American, Calvin the cat, Geoff the parrot, Carrey the snake, and Bernie Mac. The operation was a success.

After the attack, one of the hitmen, 19-year-old Halaabad al-Jibadi was arrested and, under heavy torture, revealed that Malcolm had requested for the attack. French colonial authorities came to his house, arrested him, and charged him with parking in a handicap spot, jaywalking, and soliciting prostitution.

At the city jail, Malcolm tricked the pussy French bitch cops into giving him the keys, a primitive hand grenade, and a bottle of ranch dressing, then told them that the first cop smothered in the dressing would be able to take it in the ass first. He then threw the bottle across the room, unclipped the grenade, and threw the grenade, killing all 17 officers. Malcolm then unlocked the cell door and escaped to the U.S. and A. Carlos moreno la chupa

American Life[edit]

Upon arriving in the United States, he raped numerous elves. When he got tired, he would camp out in front of the New York Public Library and read whatever books he could get his hands on, mostly on traditional African American music and the American pornography industry. This newfound knowledge led Sar to Americanize his name to Malcolm X, Malcolm in honor of his favorite television character, the title character in Malcolm in the Middle, and X because it represented a third of the letters that represent the adult entertainment industry. (In case you’re retarded, these three letters are “XXX”.)

After a year of homelessness, Social Services picked Malcolm up and put him in an orphanage. He lived in this orphanage until he was 18 years old. During his time there, he saved up money he earned by performing odd jobs, oral sex, and recycling cans.

Barbwire, Malcolm X's first film, a porno starring Pamela Anderson.

Upon leaving the orphanage, Malcolm X decided to pursue a career in the porno business. He auditioned for a role, but was denied. It was at this point that he realized that Asian men have no place in porn, so, with the money he saved up, he paid for race-change surgery, similar to what Michael Jackson did, and became black. Shortly after this operation, he was casted into such pornographic films as Barbwire, with Pamela Anderson, Welcome to Jenna, with Jenna Jameson, The Lion King, with James Earl Jones and Whoopi Goldberg, and Jeremy’s Paradise, with Ron Jeremy.

Newfound Fame[edit]

Within a period of three years, Malcolm X had become a most widely recognized face in porn. The greedy, money-loving Jews who headed the industry, pressured Malcolm X into somehow crossing over into the world of A-Listers, thereby getting more money for everyone involved. The birth of Islam is Da Bomb was at this very moment.

The early Days of Islam is Da Bomb.

Meeting His Bandmates[edit]

Malcolm X met Martin Luther King Jr. and Yasser Arafat at a party in Manhatten later that year. The three hit it off, and when Malcolm X told his new friends about the idea to somehow cross over into the mainstream media culture, King suggested the three start a musical group, except instead of singing and playing instruments, they would hire musicians to create background music, and then themselves they would just write poetry and then say it really quickly to the beat of the music. They called this idea rap. Thus, the first rap trio was created.

Dome of the Rock, Islam is Da Bomb's debut album

First Record[edit]

The band was named Islam is Da Bomb, because Malcolm X had recently been forced to convert to Islam, Yasser Arafat was Muslim, and Martin Luther King, Jr. really liked hummus. At first, it was hard for the band to adapt to the hardcore rules of the religion. It was especially hard to give up drinking, promiscuous sexual behavior, and pork. After a while however the band swore and upheld an oath against these three sins. Well, actually, Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t, he smoked weed and drank lots of liquor while the others went to mosque, snuck into random women’s rooms while wearing traditional Muslim headscarves so that he could fuck their lights out and he wouldn’t be recognized, and would regularly roast and eat whole pigs, explaining to the others that these were not pigs, but infidels.

The group’s first album was titled Dome of the Rock. It had such singles as “Jews Go Splat”, “Roots, Rap, Jihad”, “My Adidas-Brand Turban”, and “Walk This Way (To Mecca)” featuring a popular rock group of the day, Aerosmith. It reached the top spots on all of the charts, including the Billboard.

Islam is Da Bomb during their Straight Outta Cheyenne tour. Here they are shown with superfan, Christopher Reeve.

Sophomore Success[edit]

The group followed up their debut album with Straight Outta Cheyenne, an experimental album that received much success, in part to the singles “Fuck tha Jewish”, “Straight Outta Cheyenne”, and “Express Yourself (But Not Too Much, Because That Will Offend Allah, and If You Offend Allah, We’ll Have to Cut Your Dick Off and Make You Eat It)”. It was at this point that Islam is Da Bomb was dubbed World’s Most Dangerous Group.

Fall From Grace[edit]

After the touring for “Straight Outta Cheyenne” ended, Martin Luther King, Jr. became extremely sick. Three days after he was sent to the emergency room, he died. The autopsy revealed that he had poison in his system. The terrorist group Israel claimed responsibility. A week after Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed, Yasser Arafat was shot by Tupac Shakur in Memphis, Tennessee. He died an hour after being shot.

Malcolm X was not able to deal with these tragedies in a healthy manner, so he turned to prayer and butt plugs. For the rest of his life, his daily routine consisted of waking up, getting drunk, praying to Allah, getting more drunk, convincing Allah that he wasn’t too drunk to drive, arguing with Allah over whether George Lucas would try to milk every last possible penny out of Star Wars (he did), then sticking butt plugs into his anus, and falling asleep.

It was him against the sniper...and the sniper won.

Death[edit]

Malcolm X was found dead in his apartment on February 21, 1965. He was shot in the head, and there was a bullet hole in the window. While the exact circumstances of his death are unknown, it is widely speculated that he was murdered by a Cambodian special ops sniper ordered by Pol Pot. It was widely known that Pot had been angry that Malcolm X had ceased talking to him since he moved to America; however Pot denied responsibility for the attack.

Malcolm X’s funeral consisted of three separate processions, happening on February 24th, 25th, and 26th. The first went through the Bronx, the second went through Compton, and the third went through Atlanta. The procession was shot at non-stop, and 37 members of it were killed.

Discography and Filmgraphy[edit]

Films[edit]

Year Title
1953 Barbwire
1954 Welcome to Jenna
1954 Inside Jenna
1954 I Came on Jenna
1954 Jennatalia
1954 My Jennaration
1954 Playing with Jenna
1954 I'm Kind of Tired of Jenna, So This is the Last Time
1955 The Lion King
1956 The Lion King II: Simba's Pride
1957 Jeremy's Paradise
1958 The Lion King 1½
1958 Ebony Meets Ivory II
1958 Back Door Sluts
1958 Back Door Sluts 2
1959 Back Door Sluts 3
1959 Back Door Sluts 6
1960 Back Door Sluts 7
1960 Back Door Sluts 8
1960 Back Door Sluts 9
1961 Back Door Sluts 11

Albums[edit]

Year Title
1963 Dome of the Rock
1964 Straight Outta Cheyenne

See Also[edit]