Males

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Males (also referred to as dudes) are fur bearing mammals that have genitals arranged in an ♂ shape. Borne of the mighty God Mars, they are a race of supreme beings from the planet "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", where they battled for glory all day and all night, and basked in the rays of their raging sun's light in the warm grass whilst drinking their mighty Redbull (the elixir of Mars) for ages, but unbeknownst to them, a Strange Race crawled forth from the Darkness. Known as the Woman or Female, these Sinister Beings transformed their malevolent, twisted bodies (it has been hypothesized that they were once grues , but modern science and genome mapping have proven them to all be devolved from female ninja) into a shape that greatly aroused and confused the Males. These women then created institutions known as "Families" to subdue Males from their wild and mighty ways and erased much of Mankind's fierce and cruel original history, and renamed "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" to Earth.

The male is the Mightiest creature of all living multi-cellular organisms ever to have existed on the planet "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

Contents

[edit] Origins

Men were created by the god Mars when he blew his load on a planet and scared the land. The Great Loadblow was caused by the woman Jessica Alba's suggestive poses in an intergalactic, pre-mortal magazine and Mars' long history of Pornography addiction. Males looked nothing like today's males as they evolved from sea monkeys. After millennia, man began to walk upright. He discovered fire, and crafted tools like axes, swords, and +10 warhammers were developed in short order. Man built colossal cities, giant robots, conquering this weak blue planet.

This is what happens when you get between a Man and a burger.

[edit] Biology

Males are meatier than females, but real males don't have boobies, and can't make milk. You can discern a real man from an impostor by his penish, and the fine pelage covering his body against the cold. This "man pelt," or "pelt," as the scientific community calls it, is as tough as steel wool, but as soft as a velvet child.

The pelt upon a male's head is commonly mistaken as merkin. In fact, a man's head pelt is a braid of symbiotic worms given to man by mighty Mars. This is proven by their migration to various places in a man's life. First from the scalp to the pits and loin, then onward to gird the mighty jaws and upper lip. These, "hairs" have a shorter lifespan than the average man, and begin to die off around the age of 35 years. Some males mistakenly believe that hair restoration can bring their mighty symbiotes back, but alas, only Mars can grant you more man-pelt than you already have. In nature, Males are carnivorous, and use their mighty muscles to Subdue their hapless prey, thus why Man's natural prey, Wooly Mammoths, Sabertooth Tigers, Tyrannosaurus Rex and Loch-Ness Monsters are in such short supply in this day and age. Much like the Caterpillar, Males are capable of a complete metamorphosis. What a male becomes reflects several attributes: Awesomeness, Studliness, Honorability, Macho-ocity, How much he can "bench", how many other males he's K.O'd (thus why real men don't punch the inferior females), how many females he's "porked", how many different kinds of animals he's eaten and in what quantity, how good his reflexes are, and how awesome he is. Based on what quotas a male does or does not meet in all of those areas reflects what he can metamorphose into.

Unfortunately, the brain structure of the man disadvantages them at many things, such as driving. Although women are terrible drivers, men somehow manage to get themselves killed all the time by driving into brick walls while trying to prove their manliness by drag racing with their gay, fag-like friends as well as having the irresistable urge to hit the accelerator causing them to rack up over $2 billion dollars in speeding fines and body reconstruction and car repairs.

The brain structure also makes it hard for them to control their emotions often forcing them to go into a raging frenzy and receiving a +50 strength and +50 accuracy bonus for 30 seconds or more (depending on what level the man is). At current, the calculation for the duration of this rage is unknown. But often this rage acts to his dsadvantage as he often ends up shooting himself in the head as an after-effect (if the man raged with a gun).

Though all males who live long enough eventually attain the "Old Fart" stage, only a few males ever attain one or more of these forms:

1.Spartan 2.Ninja 3.Cage Fighter 4.Pirate 5.Viking 6.Caballero 7.Sniper 8.Scottish 9.Cage Fighter 10.Caveman 11.Cyborg 12.Hitman 13.Career Criminal 14.Alligator Wrestler 15.Werewolf 16. Bigfoot

[edit] Genitals (A.K.A, "The Man Parts")

Besides having Honour, any real Man must obviously possess a Penis, as well as two Testicles, known to the scientific community as "nuts" or "balls" (a male's only genuine weakness).Men are largely controlled by these organs, thus causing men to act extremely stupid in front of females. Penises are usually comprised of solid mythril, mined by the swarthiest of Dwarves in the deepest bowels of the planet Mars. The Penis not only acts as a organ of reproduction, but also as the male's primary means of self-defense. Some Men are even capable of beating their enemies into the ground with naught but their Penis alone, although these Men must be careful because this leaves their 'Achilles heel' (aka balls) exposed. This is why size has always been of such importance among males: the bigger the Johnson, the harder your enemy is pwzned.

There have often been cases where the male's penis can rot and fall off, this is called Penis Dismemberment and often leads to the growth of a Vagina or Mangina. Many men die after Penis Dismemberment, as the penis is one of the vital organs of the human anatomy. If you feel you are in danger of Penis Dismemberment, please call your nearest PP (Penis Practicioner). If a male suffers from Penis Dismemberment and is not slain by another man, one of two things can happen: The male is sent to the deepest bowels of Mars, where penis' are manufactured, and the Dwarves attempt to attach a penis into his Vagina/Mangina. However, a beast often develops inside, and can be deadly, causing widespread death of Dwarves in the Mythril pits of Mars. Or, if the Dwarves fail to attach a new penis then they are sent to Venus, to live with the Vagina possessers for eternity, known as "Females" or "Feminus Vaginicus". Man's biggest fear is vagina but to remain in bro code a man must desire it at all times.

[edit] Work

Males are known for being able to screw up anything with their hands. Be it a blunt cudgel, sharp stabbing implement, train, house, pyramid, giant robot, or even a planet, Males have been able to build it, someway, somehow, eventually finding a use for females by setting them to work, most notably for sustaining males' needs for food as they built thousands of log cabins with just their hands, teeth, and an axe.

[edit] Males - the Mighty Ape Beings of Sparta

It has been proven in the past, present AND future that

1. Males are THE laziest form of life(when not engaged in sex or battle)

2. Males can Pwn j00.

3. Males have the ability to crush skulls with their penis.

4. Males are only as evil as ever being XY, while women are pure evil having XX.

5. Males have created everything.

6. Women will never Respect them, and Men will never give a damn one way or the other.

[edit] Critics

Women are not jealous of them and their mighty penises, Gays want to hump them, only Men can criticize Men.
Chuck Norris, one of the manliest men that ever manly walked the earth, and that's not his leg he's kicking with...

[edit] People who are Male

[edit] People who are not Male

[edit] See Also

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