Man's best friend
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“A best friend always makes your ex-girlfriend for 3 years laugh after you break up, wait a moment, hey!...”
~ The guy who made the biggest mistake of his life and has a really bad choice in friends on Man's best friend.
“A best friend is inefficient, tiresome and full of man love all at the same time...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Man's best friend
“He actually thinks that I am his friend?...”
~ Judas on Man's best friend
“...woof, woof, ggrrrrr...”
~ Rover the Spaniel on Man's best friend
“Who needs a best friend when you have 24 hour internet chess, trigonometry questions and a playboy?”
~ Geek on Man's best friend
“My occupation is my best friend...”
~ Compulsive liar on Man's best friend
“My wife is my best friend...”
~ Secretly gay spouse on Man's best friend
Man's best friend also called his right hand is an expression used throughout the western world to describe something UTTERLY BRILLIANT in the opinion of a man or a group of men (but not in the weird German gay way). But not women, as the title of the page goes, this is man's best friend, not a woman's best friend, so don't expect to see a woman's best friend. That is reserved for Anne Summers websites and slightly feminine men.
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[edit] Etymology
The phrase, "man's best friend" comes from the ancient Latin words Maximus needus a shitus meaning man who has priorities above all others. The phrase has had a series of meanings dating back to the ancient Egyptians where it was discovered that the phrase, "a Jew slave is a man's best friend!" was in common use for many years before the guy with the tablets and something about a girls bush burning came along and spoilt the Egyptian party, which were known to be quite entertaining so long as you weren't a slave, a woman or a horse. After centuries of less frivolous use, the phrase resurfaced in the second world war when many a American soldier were heard saying the phrase "this guuuun is miiii besssst freeeeennndd" as many of the soldiers who said this phrase were incredibly stupid as they actually took away time normally reserved by other soldiers for surviving to say these words, and were consequently shot in the penis. yes that is correct, right in the head.
[edit] Who exactly is "best Friend"?
"Best friend" was the 1961 hit by the little known punk band from Cornwall, England called pussy ring. The fact that they were little known seemed to have no effect on their chart success, as well as the fact that their lead guitarist was a dairy cow. "Best Friend" was also the name of the ad campaign involving the hugely popular "Nut Bra" for men during the late 70's, a campaign that was later sued by McDonalds for encroachment on the ground that McDonalds had already declared their quarter pounder to be "all the friend a person would ever need".
[edit] MAN's Best Friend
A MAN is a being so manly, that if one tried to take up beef with this being, one would find oneself transported to another dimension. A dimension where there is no Sun, where car chases/shootouts are the law, and where the currency is PAIN. This being, of course, is the one and only Vin Diesel. When Vin Diesel wants a new best friend, He minces into a newsagent's, causing instant obliteration. Once the dust has settled, He scans the ground and grabs the first scrap of newspaper He sees. The first name He detects will be stored in His memory bank, where it will stay until He hunts that luck lucky person down. Once Vin has encountered his new buddy, he/she has no option but to succumb to Vin's advances. On rare occasions, these advances may be sexual, in which case the chosen one should prepare to be anally shredded by Vin's 'special finger'. Once Vin is bored of a friend (this usually takes a few hours), He proceeds to swallow them. After a pilgrimage through Vin's Holy small intestine (which is rumored to be a live King Cobra), Vin's ex-friend is discharged upon the Earth out of the ANUS OF GLORY.
Vin Diesel's most recent best friends:
- Swine Flu
- Chuck Norris
- Death Barack
- Obama's left nipple
- Foofie the Funtime Bear
Vin's old best friends include:
- John Francis (Car with a roof) Kennedy
- Michael (Mmmmmm... little boys) Jackson
- Samuel L. (MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES) Jackson
- Severus (Oh my, Harry, your wand is so powerful) Snape
- Madeleine (PINNED TO MY WALL) McCann
- Turtles (WTF)
- Neil (To be honest, it was pretty shit) Armstrong
[edit] Disproved Best Friends
Naturally, as there have been many different theories on the phrase, there have been many different supposed "best Friends", however, many of these have been disproved and re-titled as back stabbers, not real, bastards, really mean folk, inanimate objects, old people, Glenn or unsuitable candidates for such a high pressure status. Some of the disproven items include:
- Elmo
- a crisp packet
- a watch
- Winston the sock puppet
- Michael (bitch slapped an elephant) Ross
- an elephant
- someone named Ross
- a lamp
- a sex doll
- a non-imaginary friend who has imaginary friends
- a pug
- an American
- a Frenchman
- a toaster
- Hitler’s corpse
- the fridge
- a black man who acts like a white man
- a white man who acts like a black man
- a teacher with a mustache longer than your penis
- a tree
- your character on WoW
- any of the friends that you claim to have on Facebook
The colour green could never really be a best friend as it is a composite colour, and composite best friends are gay. Blue on the other hand...
- a sandwich baggie and some vaseline
- your P.E. teacher
- a ginger
- the colour green
- an old cigarette but
- someone who you say you know but actually don't
- Vin Diesel - Vin Diesel chooses you, not the other way around!
- an STI and/or an STD
- Mark Walberg
- T-pain
- a window sill
- the goose from duck duck goose
- the car, the boat and the iron from monopoly
- the ghost of Christmas past
- an iPod nano
- an x-box 360
- your mum, my mum or anybodies mum for that matter
- the schools councilor
- Judge Judy
- the letter 2
- the character >_<
- 50m30n3 wh0 5p311s w0rd5 l1k3 7h15
- an Olympic hammer thrower
- any Russian girl with a voice lower than yours
- a ginger
- Monday
- call of duty 4 OR 5
- the chemical symbol for Narnia
- a wall
- a palisade cell
- the word, phlegm
- a highlighter pen
- a white tobelerone
- Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- a toilet seat
- Jesus
- Judas
- Jeremiah
- Jamal
- Joaquin
- the carpet
- Friday
- the mayonnaise out of a McChicken sandwich
- me
- charizard
- mouse trap
- Crocodile Dundee
- the square root of minus one
- Abba's sister group Kebab-ba
There have been many other disproved best friends but they are either too outstandingly outlandish to comment on, or alternitavely very very boring.
[edit] The Annual National Award for Losers (ANAL)
ANAL is one of the most looked forward to things of the year after the Oscars, the new Episode of lost and Autumn. Founded in 1955 by Jeff.L.Moonheimer from San Fransisco California, the ANAL is design to bring joy and happiness to the darkest of crevases in the world, searching out the saddest, most lonely of people and filling them up with joy via the use of ANAL. The scheme itself, which has been nominated by the white house for a nobel peace prize for, "Outstanding work in and around the hole of the community..." has helped countless persons who have been diagnosed with clinical depression, suicidal tendancies, being fat or having no friends what so ever, and transforming their lives (via the use of f(x)=2sin(x+8)-4) into something much better where they actually have a hope of getting a best friend, no matter what it may be.
[edit] The Best Friend Annual Celebratory Awards
These awards being in no way related to ANAL are given to the best "best friends" whom can only be nominated by Vin Diesel after he has watched you and your best friend for up to and sometimes including 47 days. Once the applicants have been processed, and shortlist of ten best friends is made and a panel of judges from all over the world including only Finland sit down to discuss who should be crowned best friend of the year, and be given a prestigous Best Friend Celebratory Award, which consists of a small crown made from brass but painted gold for tax reasons and encrusted with cheerios (because all best friends eat cheerios together, duh!). Once a winner has been selected, the judges from all over the world including only Finland get into the same wagonmobile used by Foofie the funtime bear when he wanted to show his friend (but not best friend) Billy his 10ft willy, however the story ended with tragady after Billy mistook it for a snake, so he hit it with a rake and now said willy is only 3ft4. After getting into the wagonmobile, the judges from all over the world including only Finland circumnavigate the world in 80 days before going to the winners house and presenting them with the award as well as a life time supply of used cotton reels (to represent that once the cottony goodness of friendship has eroded away, you can still get some use out of the hollow shell that is left behind).
[edit] Past Winners
Past winners of the Best Friend Anuual Celebratory Award or the BFACA (pronounced beef-ak-cake)include the likes of:
- Vin Diesel (of course)
- THE dog - that is to say, the best dog in all of the known universe
- the number 5
- a jar of super smooth peanut butter made in 1982
- a bottle of calpol
- the right earphone from a pair of earphones
- the hat from monopoly
- a furbee
- a non-universal remote
- randelph the sexually active reindeer
- Chichester
- Imhotep
- corperation tax from the cartoon educational series; "VATman and his many many tax laws"
- the left hand of the Jurassic park guy
- a fillit of salmon
- Mr.Anderson
- Josh Walkins R.I.P 2001-2006.5 - "the best darn pot plant a guy could ask for!"
- CFC gases
- a walnut named Davey
[edit] The 2009 Short list
The shortlist for this year is as follows:
- sunday
- David Cameron
- Pontius Pilate
- the belkin 54g wireless adaptor series 3
But will it be beaten by increadibly short shorts? - bird flu
- coldplay
- a wet t-shirt
- a woman in need of a t-shirt
- incredibly short shorts
- a tea cosie
- the "&" sign
- anger
- a fruit bearing tree
- pac mans uncle, optimus prime
- a tub of ben and jerry's "fish food" ice cream (this is the CORRECT way of spelling it you illiterate retards).
[edit] "BFF's"
Due to the G20 summit of 2009 the term "best friends forever" has been abolished along with no lens glasses, cows and weird Al. The vote was unanimous after everybody had a BFF apart from France who had a strop and complained unrelentingly for 8 and a half hours until the descision was made.
[edit] "BFFF's"
However, the term "best fucking friends forever" has taken BFF's place. BFFF being much more serious, "hip" and intune with modern times is now the politically correct way of describing your best friend along with other phrases like "Black" people and "The Fucking Retarded". However, in spite of this new found phrase, France is still being a miserable bastard because it's pre-arranged BFFF Belgium left France after The Netherlands enticed them with $1 porn and hash brownies. In a quote about the incident belgium stated, "Who wouldn't be BFFF with The Netherlands, they have hash brownies and $1 porn for gods sake, $1! plus we hate the fucking French anyway, they're shit, the don't even like everybody loves Raymond".
[edit] Common Misconceptions
For many years, there has been the common misconception that man's best friend was the dog. This is simply untrue, for the most part because apart from "occasionaly" fetching you the newspaper and licking their own balls, dogs are pretty shit. Another misconception is that a man's best friend once he is married is his wife. This again is bullshite, as we all know, once the female is paired for life, they become extremely crap, and that isn't the definition of a best friend, which is by the way, "a fucking great person who you love to hang out with, who loves to hang out with you, will suck snake poison out of your rear end if needs be but will never make sexual advances towards you unlike that other friend you have who is always commenting on your figure..."
[edit] Man's Worst Enemy
There have been many worst enemies to man, but there are some that are worse than others. Here are the top 5 enemies that Man faces today:
5)The Cat - known for its cunningness and highly irritating mocking ability, the common household cat is a real threat towards man, especially becasue when you allow a cat to jump up onto your lap when you are sitting down, it will always without fail proceed to land on you penis, before stretching its legs and "cutely" clawing you ball sack.
4)The small child - this is fairly new enemy as is normally accompanied by a mental case paranoid woman who deems you to be a paedophile for simply getting in the same queue as a six year old to get an ice cream. Without small children, man would be able to enjoy many of the previous benifits he used to have which are now strictly forbidden, such as innocently browsing the comic book section of a store, sitting and the childrens table at McDonalds (they have those cool pictures on them) and taking pictures of wildlife around the local schools.
3)The interfering ex - known for their unrestrained and infelecticious actions, an interfering ex will always try and destroy what ever relationship you perue after them as they are still under the crazy notion that you want to be with a crazy fucked up biatch.
2)The Dildo - simply put, t is a threat on two fronts, 1) It fucks your woman better, for longer, and can be cleaned along with the dishes, and 2) when times are hard, it lures you to the dark, bent side of the force.
1)Greenwich mean time - everyone, and I mean everyone knowns that this can fuck your day up worse than getting sucked off by Gonzarlo the Gay Gardener.
[edit] Benedict Arnolds
Abdul, the bastard, he said that he would be my best friend forever, he said that he would be my best man at my wedding! He said that he was only going away for a few days, just a little business trip with some guys from work, just a few days in New York he said. The Bastard.
